Monday, December 24, 2001
I've been given a wonderful Sancmas present this year. I found Julia slump-drunk in the corner of The Parrot and Pie two weeks ago, and since then it has been non-stop sex with her! She's a fantastic girl. Big blonde breasts. Likes a drink. Always smiling. Fuck the Queen's Sancmas speech, I'll be enjoying Julia's Sancmas teeth (wrapped round my cock)
But enough about my life...
MERRY SANCMAS TO YOU ALL
DS
Matthew 9:03 PM
Thursday, December 13, 2001
new from the "Sanction Silk Collection" - adult entertainment for the emotionally stunted.
Polly Filler - "no gap too small"
witness an insane cock count (but hetrosexually) as polly takes a cock between each finger and toe in an utterly improbable group sess.
Matthew 10:15 AM
Wednesday, December 12, 2001
From Reuters
Sanction planning to adopt Romanian orphan child.
Celebrity favourite Dave Sanction has announced plans to adopt a Romanian orphan for Christmas. The child, Davoghe Sancescu, is currently sitting in a big red package, that Sanction will open after reciting the Dave Sanction's Christmas Speech to his followers, on Christmas Day at 15.10 hours.
It is currently unknown why Sanction has chosen to adopt the child.
Matthew 10:51 PM
Monday, December 10, 2001
on SancTV - a night of fundraising fun - "Sanction In Need"
Causes include;
Warwick Buy-off Guarantee - Sanction Resarch Corp have estimated that a bung of some 100 pounds should be sufficent to allay any other candidates noble motivations.
Lets help the wretched! - Sanction's humanatarian programme - all money goes towards establishing Sanction Churches in deprived areas and rerouting all water supplies to a tap locked within.
entertainment includes;
Osama Bin Laughter - Dave Sanctions new comedy creation is not afraid to utterly rip apart his cultural background- with a level of racism made acceptable by the current climate. Example; "you know our women are all covered up?...its a bit of a lucky dip...you never know what your going to get...all the lads pray to alllah that they are the one who will have a Pamala Anderson...its always another f---ing [censored]".
Miscarriage!- Gungy gameshow where pubescent boys rush around collecting fried-egg sized embryos from hemoraging [sic] latex virginas. The winner then has to climb up a mock birth apparatus and chip a trapped egg from a folopian [utterly sic.] tube with a pick axe - but hurry! if you take to long the egg will swell and the whole thing will explode! If successful, the winner will recieve a placement at a doctors surgery as "specialist cleaner" - employed to dive around and keep the floor clean. Hosted by Germaine Greer. [disclaimer- this piece of entertainment was commisioned before the countess of wessex's tragic birth trouble - considering here status as unpopular royal, Sanction has decided to run with it, splicing her face into the intro]
Poignent footage includes;
Dave Cam - sanction vists afganistan, iraq, nazi germany et al and a face cam records all of his responses to the stuff he sees - shrugs, flirtations all captured on tape.
Sanctsu Rememberes- home video footage of sanction with bear pal.
Matthew 9:23 AM
Saturday, December 08, 2001
The News- "Dave Sanction "Jesus head up arse" comment causes massive religous uproar"
Matthew 4:14 PM
Friday, December 07, 2001
Sanction launches 10 step christmas conversion programme (and some rationales)
Dave Sanction, in a press release to everyone, has outlined a strategy ("valid from the smallest family to the largest mego-corp") to convert this year's festivities towarss Sanction-orienrtation.
He justified it thus;
*Sanction has better clothes than jesus.
*The Virgin Mary vs The Freasian Mary - Sanction argues that Jesus' Mary's virginity was never proven and appeals to common sense - "come on lads how many times have you been led on as such only to find out the "gaping gulf" between promise and reality". He also doubts wether virginity is any kind of virtue- "where's the partying, the romance?". He considers his mother as altogether more praise worthy due to the "quirky pub-talk" qualities of being a cow.
*Sanction appeals to the out-of-dateness of Christ's teaching- claiming the spiritual life has progressed hand in hand with that of major label soft rock; "would Jesus be a Smokie fan I ask myself? No I reply to myself, hes to up his arse to consider that anyone else may have some answers. He would definitly not worship me."
Matthew 10:17 AM
Thursday, December 06, 2001
I spent the whole night dreaming about Sanction United Football Club. The team doesn't currently exist, but today I'll contact a few old mates in the industry and discover whether or not there is a possibility of getting my dream become reality. This wouldn't be some two-bit Neil Webb showcase on a playing field in Solihull, I'd want to be competing with the Manchester Uniteds, the Inter Milans and the Bayern Munichs on an immediate basis. Give me a week.....
DS
Matthew 9:58 AM
Wednesday, December 05, 2001
Alright? Been down the student union all afternoon buying beer for the lads and wine coolers for the ladies. Had a really good afternoon, told a few anecdotes about my car crash in Switzerland and some other funny stories. People sometimes suggest that the women of the University of Warwick are not particularly attractive, you know, too many nerds, too many glasses wearing types, too many foreign students...... This may well be the case, but there are still enough busty blondes to go round!
Met one this afternoon, although her huge breasts were partially obscured by the rubbery flaps of fat which dangled like tractor tyres from her lower chin down to her upper vaginal area. She was looking at me, smiling sluttishly, all afternoon. I had a long-term relationship with an extremely fat girl once (the ex-communications officer, Sherry Al-Ealah), and I wouldn't want to put my regions under such a monumental strain ever again. My renowned "Cock of Steel" could move mountains if I wanted it too, but I'm not sure whether or not it could survive another attack from Sherry Al-Titzilla or the Student Union Girl the ABOSOMable Snowman!!
DS
Matthew 6:15 PM
Monday, December 03, 2001
advertisement feature "Sanction says...let me publicise your cause!"
Once asociated with Dave Sanction, movements and revolutions get off the ground. A recent symposium on Unaknowledged Major Causes For Events declared that "Sanction's Sanction is as effective spur towards success as an arsenal of weapons".
therefore... order T-shirts! They follow this format: "Sanction Says...[your cause here]".
Recent subscribers have achieved unprecedented success. Take Bruce "Biffer" Ingerland a consumer champion who campaigned to get the Abdullah family from their shop which he said sold "smelly impure wogmeats n treats". A batch order of 1000 t-shirts he estimated had "the equivalent effect of 10,000 airmiles".
Order today!
Matthew 9:15 AM
Sunday, December 02, 2001
from The Sunday Sport
"Angry Dave Sanction Accusses Warwick Student Union of infecting George Harrison with cancer"
"My scars and resurrection are the news" he proclaimed, as a direct challenge to the legitamacy of the "Waricko-Hariso blanket coverage". He went on to attempt to undermine George Harrisons status as celebrity - seemingly confusing him with a combination of Harrison Ford and George Orwell (who he in turn confused with a pornographer); "that stunt he pulled jumping off the outflow pipe was well good, but to be honest he hasn't shot a good porno since Animal Farm". Dispite his wrath, he still managed to pose for this photo with the lovely Tara, pulling a goonish expression belying his internal anguish.
Matthew 12:25 PM
Friday, November 30, 2001
Sanction announces total car crash/rape/dead panda physical/psychological/imagined damage statistics.
November statistics.
Car crash body percentage burns - 0.000000001%
Percentage Dave Sanction cock - 6.2% (October - 6.15%)
Car crash bruises - 4 (Sanction now has seven bruises in total)
Location of Car Crash bruises - Knees and elbows
Mental trauma caused by crash/death of fellow passengers - too negilible to calculate.
Percentage increase in weekly personal suffering during Sanction rape case - 0.1%
Percentage increase in conviction of belief of personal immortality - 145% (October increase - 41%)
Number of times raped in life - Have never been raped.
Mental trauma caused by death of Sanctsu - I'm very annoyed by Sanctsu's death.
Number of women kissed - 21 (October - 8)
Number of female breasts fondled - 7 (October - 13)
Faith in UK judicial system - Up 33% after court case, but it had fallen 73% before initial imprisonment ruling.
Likelyhood of winning next Student Union Presidential Election - 100%
Matthew 10:47 PM
Rumours of my death were greatly exaggerated. I am alive, happy and doing rather well. The odd bruise or cut here or there but nothing major. Not everybody survived yesterday's crash however, including the ol' Beatle George Harrison who heard a rumour that I had been hurt and died on the spot. The other four people in the car also perished. I have been invited to various funerals in Lausanne and Zurich next week but sadly I already have plans. I'm lecturing at Loughborough on Monday afternoon (The Decline of the Athlete: Sport, science and Sanctionism) and giving a talk for World Aids Day to homosexual students in York on Tuesday (Prevention is Better than Cure: a chance to change). On Wednesday I'm getting that tattoo I was meant to get three months ago, the one that will increase my height quite dramatically. And on Thursday I have Mr Qu visiting me in the Mancsion to talk about pandas. Thus, sadly, no funerals next week. And by the way, thanks to all of you who preyed for me last night. It means a lot to me. Cheers!
DS
Matthew 10:28 PM
Breaking news. 12.31am. London.
Dave Sanction sole survivor in horrific Swiss car crash.
British celebrity Dave Sanction has survived a car crash in the Swiss Alps in which his four fellow passengers died after tumbling off the edge of a cliff. Witnesses say that the car exploded before it veered off the edge. Mr Sanction has been found sleeping in a bush on the inside of the road. He is only slightly bruised. Police believe that the impact of the explosion caused Mr Sanction to fly through the space left by the right hand door and land softly on a nearby bush. It is believed that he was the only passenger not wearing a seatbelt. Mr Sanction has suffered a difficult November, a month in which he has spent a week in jail and lost his beloved pet panda Sanctsu, and as some people believe, he was brutally gang raped on a Coventry street corner. He is expected to return home to England tomorrow. Police do not yet know the cause of the explosion in the vehicle, and they are refusing to rule out terrorism as a possible cause. The identities of the victims is as yet undisclosed.
Matthew 12:51 AM
Thursday, November 29, 2001
A message from a Pastor of the Church of Sanction, Andy Utter.
Given the urgency of this situation I would like to remind you all to turn to page 156.2 of the Sancbles.
For those of you without a book, I reprint the following verse that should be recited loudly and continuously until further news on our leader is received.
Lord Sanction, give strength to yourself.
We prey you live long and in perfect health.
And if the immortal is to concede to the evil will.
Sanction will be our leader, forever, until.
Oh good Sanction, may you forever live
And in my shorter life, my whole life I will give
To your glorious Name, and your body so strong.
May you heal fast and prosper, may your life be so long.
We prey for good news.
Matthew 7:34 PM
Breaking News. 19.02pm. London.
David Sanction feared dead in Swiss car crash.
Swiss police have confirmed that a vehicle carrying British celebrity David Sanction and four Swiss companions has been involved in a major crash in the Swiss alps near the Crans-Montana resort. One witness has told reporters that the car suddenly burst into flames and veered over the edge of the cliff. There are unlikely to be any survivers.
More news to follow.
Matthew 7:11 PM
Alright? I'm over in Zurich visiting the family vaults. I'm in an internet cafe with my interpreter Heidi. She's sipping coffee and looking sexy and I'm handing out a few "Chruch of Sanction" flyers (in Deutch!!) and writing to friends. On the plane over here I happened to sit right next to singer/songwriter Stephen Merritt, and within the space of eighty minutes I managed to persuade him to call his new band the "The Heart Sanctions", which will certainly do no harm to my cause. Heidi is fantastic. She speaks English, French and German. I'm not the world's greatest linguist, but I'm the world's greatest lover and can say "do you want a shag from Sanction, love" in eight different languages!!! Jokes aside, I have some important work to do while I am in Zurich. Let's just say that the Sanction family doesn't keep their riches in the Barclays. And some say that this will be the most expensive Warwick Presidential Election campaign ever staged..... Will reveal all soon. These Swiss are weird aren't they? I'm going skiing tomorrow!!!!
Love,
DS
Matthew 1:27 PM
Wednesday, November 28, 2001
From the "Have A Merry Sancmas-Compassion Edition" songbook
Do They Know Its Sancmastime? (if so what the fuck are they doing?)
In Kabul it is snowing
but not snow- BOMBS [bomb sound effect]
as soon as they stop sending us their anthrax
we'll hault the onslaught
It really is a simple equation
comply and it will be cool
you can reintegrate into the global community
and celebrate Sancmas time too
It really is in your own hands, Abdullah
you are to blame
For the twang of pain in my heart
When I see a (brown) baby dead
[chorus]Are the Muslims all stupid?
Can they not read the words?
Allah is dead
only Sanction is true
So shake off the Turban
And go shave that beard
and I'll pour you a pint
because Sancmastime is here
Matthew 9:22 AM
Tuesday, November 27, 2001
From the "Have A Merry Sancmas" family songbook.
The snow piles up thick on the lawn.
The kids wake at the crack of the dawn.
Under the tree the kids are looking
In the oven the turkey is cooking
The family will gather today
To sit round the table and prey
For the blessing that they all crave
From a man called Sanction, Dave.
On this day several years ago
The lawn was a-covered in snow
And Mrs Sanction gave birth to a boy
And the whole world was filled with joy.
So have a merry Sancmas my friends
And from Sanction his love he sends
All the people will laugh and play.
When Sanction smiles on Sancmas day!
Matthew 10:04 PM
Monday, November 26, 2001
By the reporters of Pandaworld.com and the Chinese News bureau
Sanction panda burial attracts crowd of thousands in Beijing.
Over nine thousand people have attended the burial of Sanctsu, a rare breed of Chinese panda that starved to death under the ownership of English celebrity-plus Dave Sanction. Sanctsu tragically starved to death in a cage while his owner was imprisoned before a court case. The dead panda was flown back to China for a burial service in Beijing, the Chinese capital, which nearly ten thousand Chinese elites attended. The death of Sanctsu, a male panda that Mr Sanction was looking after until a suitable female partner was found, is likely to have dire consequences for the future of the species.
The Chinese government announced in an official statement that "David Sanction is the enemy of the Chinese people and of panda lovers around the globe."
Dave Sanction, using a videophone, told those who assembled for the burial that "I am extremely saddened by Sanctsu's tragic death. However, it was not the fault of Dave Sanction. I had left seven days worth of bamboo in Sanctsu's cage the day before I was taken by police. However, Sanctsu was so distraught by my arrest he could barely sleep, smile or move, let alone eat. He died because he thought he was going to forever lose his owner. He died of a broken heart. And I was wrongly jailed in the first place. Ladies and gentlemen, Dave Sanction is a friend of the Chinese people. Your true enemy is the West Midlands Police Force who have no respect for the ancient traditions of over one-third of the world's population. The great nation of China should ensure that she uses all her resources to deliver a quick and resounding justice against this ignorant and rascist police force!"
Sanction analysts are considering this speech as perhaps the greatest he has ever given, and expect that it will pave the way for the Church of Sanction to start operating in China.
Matthew 3:38 PM
Great to be out it is. Just intime for Sancmas. My forthcoming project is to make the populace aware of the sheer miracle of my birth. If we all turn to page 123.6 of our Sancbles we will read;
...And thus did the cow-couple enter the shed
And blessed mother daisy did down rest her head
And holy-father Xii-stud did clear the ground of filth
And out bestowed Sanction covered in after-birth
And out rushed dear farmer with wife and their brood
And towards dear, sweet Sanction did they say these words
"oh what are you what are you you bestial fiend"
And banished him to Hollywood where he could'nt succeed...
Matthew 10:13 AM
Friday, November 23, 2001
New from the Sanction Book Club- "Sucking Myself Off- a week and a bit in prison"
In this new volume Dave Sanction recounts in real time the truth of life behind bars.
*gasp as Sanction reveals the truth behind widespread buggery in a candid discussion of sexual politics;
"lads need to get stuff off there chest as it were, so there is an unspoken consensus that a nightly fuck fest is Sanctioned. However, you can split the lads into basically two groups- those who administer and those who recieve the full benefits. Understandably, gay sex being a pragmatic necessity for the hetros, the former group is more sizable. Some of the cock-to-hole ratios are unspeakably weighted- think of a whale living in a wood worms home."
*shock as Sanction reveals the method for Candalabra synthesis- the hot new prison drug that metaliscises your brain;
"basically you melt down your cutlery using a lighter (any metal object really- bronze is esp. good I hear), mix in your porridge oats wait to cool and snort. It produces an effect very simular to the excavation of Tutankarmuns (sic) tomb."
*be prepared to rewrite English language theory books as Sanction introduces Triclyopes- an innovative new way to express the totality of a situation from multiple viewpoints.
[in this passage sentances marked [1] are from Sanction-eye-view, marked [2] from fellow inmates, marked [3] that of a pack of cigarettes]
"[2] The light stepped forth from the mattress, dressed like a ragged god [1] I got up as usual [3] if only he would have an anxiety and require of me my service! [1] I told that rude joke about the chicken crossing the road to get to the brothel [2] oh the mirth! oh the merriment! may my incarceration never end [3] to have one of my number grace those lips from whence issued such finery- oh that I could have a mouth to share in this wonder!"
Matthew 11:42 AM
Some bad news. My pet panda, Sanctsu, has died of starvation while I was in prison. News such as this really does put the whole rape case ordeal in perspective. I loved Sanctsu and now he is gone. DS
Matthew 11:14 AM
From Reuters newswire
Dave Sanction innocent, probably raped - now faces charges of perjury.
At the end of a gruelling twelve hour session in court, Judge Simon Finkelstein ruled that Dave Sanction had lied to the police and to the court, confessing his guilt when he was probably the victim of rape himself. On Thursday in Coventry County Court, Dave Sanction, providing his own defence, told the jury that he brutally raped three women on Saturday night on a street corner in residential Coventry. He pleaded guilty on three charges of rape but believed he could evoke the Royal Rape Exemption Act of 1674. He told the court that since he was a religious leader, and had worked for the UN in Afghanistan and Kosovo, that his imprisonment would be a "societal disaster" and a "tragedy for the victims of landmines" all over the world. Under the Rape Exemption Act, Mr Sanction told the court, persons who would cause more damage going to prison and not raping then if they were to stay in society and continue raping, were given a special exemption. The judge called for recess and six hours later declared that Mr Sanction's aforementioned act was completely fictional, and wouldn't save Sanction's skin.
Mr Sanction looked dejected and confused. At 5.32pm the judge called a spokesperson from the West Midlands Police to the stand. He showed the jury CCTV footage of the incident itself, evidence only discovered during the court recess. The shocking footage showed Mr Sanction walking home alone, playing air guitar and singing aloud, when suddenly two masked men jumped out from a bush and brutally attacked him. It isn't clear from the video footage whether or not the men penetrated Mr Sanction's regions or not. Mr Sanction at first denied the man on the screen was him, but after seeing a close up of his yellow Donnay hood, conceeded that although the man was him, the men were friends and they were only playacting.
Two hours later the jury determined that Mr Sanction was not guilty on two charges of rape, but will have to stand trial for perjury since he repeatedly lied to the police and to the court. It is also expected that a new investigation will attempt to determine who attacked Mr Sanction, and whether or not Mr Sanction was raped.
Questioned outside the court, a victorious but oddly subdued Mr Sanction told reporters "I would sooner rape one thousand innocent women than be touched indecently by a single man. I may be free, but I must clear my name. I'm rapeproof"
Sanction was escorted home by armed police at 10.40pm on Thursday night. At 11.30 on Thursday night, local residents reported the sound of gunfire coming from his residence.
Matthew 12:56 AM
Thursday, November 22, 2001
fanother selection from the hit (to be produced by Johnny King).
I was on the way to a models house
and you were one the street
you tripped me up and begged me to bestow you a treat
I was in the midst of a celebrity-sex schedule
and my time was near full
[delaladelaladadeladado]
... but I condescended to fuck you
["the bridge"]
it took a few minutes right there in the street
but I grew to respect the fact that you were[silent t]
a junkie who would do anything on command
and now that you love me I am quite glad.
[deep voiced spoken monologue as music descends to barry white deep funk love groove]
"hey baby...it was a year ago today that you brazen self abasement jolted me from my celebrity circle. It made me stop and realise - why pay lipservice to respecting a career when I could become someones whole life....you love me...good for you!"
[delededededodado]
Your love for me is not rape
and neither's mine for you
Its consensual sex through reasonable force
legitimised by ongoing psychological torch (torture)
So tie a yellow ribbon
And I'll be home soon
come to think of it
tie yourself to the bed right now
and wait for my return
[bum-de-le-le-le-le-crash]
Matthew 12:04 PM
Wednesday, November 21, 2001
So I didn't win the election today.... I had been hoping to become the new President of the West Midlands Prisoners Union but some greasy fraud-man beat me to it. I don't care a single shit! The prisoners are a bunch of hopeless, layabout, good-for-nothing thugs anyway, and wouldn't recognise a great man if he were eight foot tall. There isn't a single ounce of intelligence in this place!
I think I'm the only political prisoner here. Once upon a time in this world, great men were sent to jail where they built up their political resolve and eventually became powerful political leaders. Think of Nelson Mandela, Malcolm X and Adolf Hitler (soon you will be able to add Dave Sanction to that illustrious list)
But the reason why I didn't win this election is because the people in prison these days are all losers. Just take a look at my pathetic cellmates - Big Fat Bob, Charlie "The Predator" Smith, Leeroy "The Shadow" Ougale, Carnal John, Jonathan "Cocksucking" Aitken and Harry the Rapist - I mean, can you really see any of these idiots becoming Great Men? Exactly. And that's why they voted for the other candidate! Because all prisoners are stupid. Get me back to the University of Warwick! I'm a student's man, not a prisoner's man. I'm a ladies man. I'm Dave Sanction.
Matthew 3:18 PM
It is well known that creative things can come out of suffering. You just have to look at all that art stuff whats about the place. I have written this song which encapsulates how it must feel for Mary to know that she loves me (and that I pay lipservice to reciprocating the feeling). Here are some initial verses;
the Prison-Heart song
oh there are bars inbetween us
and do you have the key?
and I know you are waiting
because you're lucky to have me
[even] If I had raped you [this is not an admission of guilt on the case pending]
you or your mum
you'd stand outside the prison gates
waiting and beggin for more-some
Oh you are one a million
because Sanction choose you
to pine for him dayly
[musical break]...and he occasionally thinks of you too
Matthew 11:35 AM
Tuesday, November 20, 2001
From The Journal of British Prison Reform
Celebrity prisoner Dave Sanction in semen stained pillow case uproar.
Dave Sanction is likely to become President of the West Midlands Prisoners Union, despite having been behind bars only five days, thanks to the strength of his "no more semen stained pillow cases" campaign.
"I've been given one pillow case to last the whole week, and there are three huge Bill Clintons scattered in such a unbiased manner so that I can't rest my face for the night without coming into contact with dried bits of old gay enthusiasm." Mr Sanction appears to have the support of many of his fellow prisoners. "Most of the lads agree with me on this one. One man woke up in the morning to find old sperm encrusted on his lips. It's gone beyond a joke." Mr Sanction is promising to "sort 'em out" if elected President of the West Midlands Prisoners Union in elections on Wednesday afternoon. "If elected President tomorrow, I'll demand the proper cleaning of all prison bedding across the West Midlands", shouted Sanction to deafening cheers.
Mr Sanction declined an interview with our reporter because he was "frizzed off his face on candalbra".
Matthew 11:04 PM
the drug situation in here is crazy. Im getting frizzed off my face on candalabra every day.
Matthew 11:20 AM
Monday, November 19, 2001
"Sanction to Plead Guilty to Lesser Charge of "Rough Sex"
"Claims he used resonable means to overcome an unnecessary frigidity"
"Will use "C'mon your honour, we've all been tempted. Ain''t we lads [knowing wink to jury]" argument"
"Will use great friend Uri Geller to prove innocence through mind bending"
"will cross examine his accusser over a pint of beer."
"Will be out in time for christmas."
Matthew 4:12 PM
From Associated Press
Sanction Court Case Set for Thursday
Dave Sanction will appear in Coventry County Court on Thursday morning pleading innocence against charges of rape. It is expected that he will provide his own defence. Sanction spokesperson Andy Utter claimed that "Mr Sanction is extremely confident that the jury will find him innocent of any wrongdoing. He is looking forward to being able to get on with a normal life." Meanwhile, Berlin police are investigating reports of an suicide of a 16 year old girl who wrote in a note to her family (translated) "it cannot be true.... If Sanction has really done this than my life is no longer worth living. If my heroes are murderers and rapists I should kill myself now, before I do harm to others." It is believed that Katerine Huter owned $2000 of Sanction memorabilia at the time of her death, including several bottles of unused hair gel she found in the rubbish bins outside the Sanction Manction.
Matthew 3:15 PM
Well I have about two minutes left online. Lights out is at 2am and they wake us up at 8am. The only other person in this room is a fat woman with a broom. Since I am here on rape charges, they tie me to the chair while I surf the net. Do they really think that I'm going to rape that oversized cleaner??? Makes me laugh. Emailed Mrs Sanction, my mother. Told her that I'm on a UN mission to Pakistan. She'll believe me. Spent most of the last hour wasting my time on internet bulletin boards since it is so difficult to get some good debate in here. Still, its a fairly liberal prison, and I'm being looked after very well until the date of my trial. If I'm actually convicted I will be moved somewhere else. But that won't happen. The Student Union needs me.
Matthew 1:29 AM
Sunday, November 18, 2001
Wow. I hadn't had a traditional English breakfast in months. But this morning, whilst detained at Her Majesty's Pleasure, I enjoyed two sausages, two rashers of bacon, egg, beans, tomato and toast. Not bad at all. Played some footy with the lads this morning. There's some real wasted talent in here. Scotty should be playing for United! Yeah, its alright in here. Wednesday and Thursdays we get beer. Robbie next door keeps playing that great Eric Clapton MTV Unplugged album which is great. There are lots of blacks here but I get on fine with them, in fact i'm probably more of an animal than they are!
wish you were here
Dave Sanction
Matthew 2:08 PM
Saturday, November 17, 2001
Its alright in here really...great lads, love the beer and with great page threes on the wall and all. I'm sharing a cell with the star of a film that is being shot about an ex-boxer, wrongly convicted for IRA terrorism. I'm playing his wise sidekick.
Matthew 12:47 PM
Friday, November 16, 2001
I am on one of the prison computers. I arrived here at around lunchtime. I will hopefully appear in court in a few days time to prove my innocence. This is a low security prison for people who are accused of serious crimes but obviously didn't committ them! I will not be here for long, I assure you.
DS
Matthew 9:19 PM
"Sanction to evoke rape-exemption clause"
"Utterly fictional "responsibility-reducer" article unlikely to save his skin"
Matthew 3:44 PM
From Newswire
Dave Sanction Jailed!
West Midlands police have confirmed that at 10.14am this morning, Dave Sanction was arrested and put behind bars. It is expected today's events are linked to last Saturday night, when Sanction was discovered bruised and tied to a lamppost in Earlsdon, Coventry. At first it was assumed that Dave Sanction had been the victim of rape, but in recent days new evidence has suggested that in fact Sanction had attempted to commit the rape himself, and his targets were able to fight back and restrain him.
More news to follow...
Matthew 3:41 PM
Thursday, November 15, 2001
Firstly let me dispell some nasty rumours. I am not in hiding, as the Daily Star have suggested. I am currently sipping from a pint glass full of beer on my favourite chair in the Sanction Manction. I am enjoying a wonderful life and am looking to do some campaigning down the Union this Saturday. I do not fear Radio Warwick and the Warwick Boar, the twin propaganda machines of the evil pre-Sanction Student Union Empire. They can threaten me all they want but at the end of the day their threats will be hollow because I WILL BE the next president, with or without a conviction for rape.
Matthew 7:15 PM
Tuesday, November 13, 2001
From MegaCelebrity.com
New edition of Heat! magazine available in three different Sanction Rape! covers.
Customers can expect to see Triple Sanction when they browse the news stands this week, since Heat! magazine will be printing three collectable covers, to mark the possible rape of/by Dave Sanction. It is hoped that readers will purchase the magazine according to what they personally believe happened in Coventry on Saturday night, although Heat! admit that they do not expect a 'scientific' poll to be conducted since "Sancmaniacs and community leaders" were likely to buy all three.
Details are as follows.
Cover 1 - "Who Raped Dave Sanction?" in big letters with Sanction grinning in background.
Cover 2 - "Who did Dave Sanction Rape?" in big letters with Sanction grinning in background.
Cover 3 - "Was Dave Sanction involved in Rape?" in big letters with Sanction grinning in background.
At least two of the three covers are expected to be highly collectible in a few years time, similar to the "Gore defeats Bush" late edition newspapers printed in some US cities at the time of the Florida recount last year.
Matthew 5:35 PM
Dave Sanction Issue Definitive Rape Statement; "All That You Have Read is True"
Matthew 1:42 PM
Coventry Evening Post report
West Midlands police chief says "We're close to cracking the American Airlines New York crash case, but the Sanction rape mystery leaves us very confused"
Ted Augent, the head of the West Midlands police (Violent Crime branch) has admitted that his force have no idea of what actually happened in the Sanction rape case. His confession comes soon after a local student, a Miss Jennifer Hallsworthy, contacted the local police force to suggest that it was actually Dave Sanction who tried to do the raping. She claimed that the three girls manage to confine him by tying him to a tree with an elastic strap, and by gagging his mouth with a hairband and staples.
Her evidence was immediately countered by the Gay Liberation Action Directive (GLAD), who claimed that three of their male members raped Mr Sanction to "liberate him of his unnatural heterosexuality". The message, sent to the local police in a known GLAD code, contained the threatening declaration that "...we will continue to rape Mr Sanction until he abandons his homophobic election policies and the damn coward comes out of his closet."
Meanwhile, the West Midlands police force have been confused by all the conflicting evidence, and due to 'brain hurtings' have taken the day off choosing to watch the television reports of the plane crash in New York. "The lads have been debating this all day, and we've come to the conclusion that it was a mechanical error on the plane", stated Mr Augent, "but as for the Sanction rape case, we haven't got a fucking clue."
Matthew 12:51 AM
Monday, November 12, 2001
From Associated Press
Sanction denies being victim of rape, admits being "victim of three busty blonde virgins"
Dave Sanction has adamently denied that he was the victim of a brutal rape on Saturday night, claiming that at the time of the alleged incident he was "entertaining three busty blonde virgins at the Sanction Manction" and that he only tied himself to a tree and gagged himself because he was "using physical metaphors to demonstrate to these three ladies the importance of my first noble truth."
He refutes claims that he was forced to engage in an act of gay sex claiming that he 'has no access points" for such an incident to take place. If Dave Sanction did fake his own rape as a publicity stunt it wouldn't be the first time he attempted such a stunt - in 1998 he hit fellow University of Warwick student union presidential candidate Martin Biggs in the face, making the front cover of the Student Union and raising his profile dramatically.
Matthew 4:57 PM
"Dave Sanction Back Tracks on Rape Denial"
"It was a metaphor" he says "to introduce my first noble truth- Life is Rape".
Matthew 2:20 PM
Raped! Me? Yeh right. Another dirty trick to cast negative aspertions. Why this cannot be true;
1) I am unrapable. I am so far from being gay that I have no access points. It is physically impossible to force anything into any of my holes. The assault-cock would swerve away to the air beside my thighs.
2)Murdochy is a bud and Reuters is firstly pro-sanction and secondly a newswire.
Matthew 9:28 AM
Sunday, November 11, 2001
From Reuters celebrity newsdesk
Dave Sanction Raped!
Uncomfirmed reports suggest that University of Warwick presidential candidate Dave Sanction was brutally beaten and raped in the Coventry suburb of Earlsdon at around 8pm last night. Sanction newsfeed confirmed that an "incident of an unpleasant nature had occured" but would not report any further details. However, reports from Warwickshire County Police state that a man of "Sanction proportions" was untied from a tree, ungagged, and taken into immediate care.
Matthew 11:22 PM
Thursday, November 08, 2001
Thats more like it! Proper news! As if i'd condescend to ruffle a pleb. Case dismissed your honour!
DS
Matthew 11:39 AM
Wednesday, November 07, 2001
From the garish cover of Nods Winks And Glances - "your weekly digest of preliminary celebrity contacts"
"Dave Sanction gives Geri Halliwell "the look" at cancerous dog benefit diner - but will it lead to mutual gential swallowing? - eight page editorial thesis"
Matthew 9:02 PM
Official Statement from Sanction H.Q
Dave Sanction would like to personally confirm that he had nothing to do the previous posting on this website. He believes that it was posted by Student Union employed hackers to discredit his Presidential campaign.
Mr Sanction reacted angrily to a statement by Miss J Hallsworthy, who claimed that Mr Sanction lifted up her skirt with one hand against her will, and proceeded to spill his pint of beer over her breasts with the other hand, claiming that "once again the Student Union dirty tricks machine has gone into overdrive."
Dave Sanction is currently locked in negotiations with Blogger.com over the possibility of having the post removed.
DSHQ
Matthew 7:19 PM
Yeah!!!! Whoo!!! I'm totally pissed, absolutely hammered right off my face on booze. Went down the union with the lads tonight. Took a peek down some girls skirt. Spilled a pint of beer on some girls tits by accident. Yeah.... my head hurts.... saw some lesbos snogging. drank 8 pints tonight... i'm a man..!! yeah
i'm dying for a fuck. christ. if only that fit lesbo was in the manction... need to vomit... bye
Matthew 1:16 AM
Tuesday, November 06, 2001
Email to Smokie interpreted by Soft Rock Standards Council
Alright mates!
Dave Sanction here. Your number one fan. I own all your records. I have so much money that I have even employed sound-a-like bands to make records that I've written sound like you! I'd love you to play a gig in the Sanction Manction, my house in the midlands. I won't offer you any money but I'm running to be President at the University of Warwick student union and (hint hint) I'm sure I can find you a few Marys (virgins) to keep you all happy.
Yours,
Dave Sanction
Matthew 1:08 PM
Monday, November 05, 2001
Fooled you! Unbelievable! Year after year people forget to look out for the Annual Dave Sanction Fireworks Day Joke (AnnDavSanFirDayJok) You'll all be stumbling back into your homes wondering if perhaps you went to the wrong pub. Fooled you! I did NOT even go to the Rat and Parrot pub tonight. I sat in the Sanction Manction laughing away whilst you pleaded to the barman "where is Mr Sanction?".
PLUS - it is a double joke! I am not really Bin Laden, Bush, WTC, Israel etc. It was all part of my joke. Fooled you all!!!! Who knows what I'll do next! This is not to say that I should not be taken seriously. I make jokes on one designated day of the year precisely so that people take me very seriously at all other times. Although give me a couple of beers down the ol' union bar and I'll tell you stories that will bring hilarious tears to your eyes. I'm a funny man, but I'm no joker. I'm good at chess, but I'm no political pawn. I enjoy my football, but I'm no David Beckham (I'm more a Neil Webb style player). I'm the leader of an organised religion, but I'm no Jesus.
I'm Dave Sanction.
Matthew 8:48 PM
Alright?? Sanction here, actually doing the typing, for some exclusive news "from the horse's mouth." There has been much speculation concerning the extent of my role in the War on Terrorism. In a statement exclusive to this site let me concede that I am behind everything. Everything. The whole lot. I am George W Bush. I am Osama Bin Laden. I am the Northern Alliance. I am the World Trade Center. I am the Anthrax attacks. I am the Muslims. I am the Christians. I am the state of Israel. I am the oppressed Palestinian peoples.
I am Dave Sanction. And due to the unexpected gravity of this announcement I will be holding a press conference at the Rat and Parrot pub in Royal Leamington Spa at 8pm tonight to explain matters further.
DS
Matthew 5:18 PM
"Sanction Condescends to First Hand Blogger Posting"
"Will post a diary-style entry and not rely on global media to plot his movements"
"preceeds the launch of Sanction Web- a subscription service, weekly tossing forth direct-experiance info-nugets and sedating the scurrying hoards"
Matthew 2:10 PM
Tuesday, October 30, 2001
From Reuters newsfeed:
"Allied Forces, Taliban and Al-Qaida prepare for unexpected new war in Afghanistan"
To the surprise of both the Taliban leadership and the UK and US governments, a third side have entered the war in Afghanistan, threatening a Holy War against "the current warring factions".
Is is believed that about 2500 members of The Church of Sanction, a hugely influential international operation, managed to sneak over the Afghan border late last night. Today they walked throught the streets of Kandahar proclaiming "Sanction is Glorious, Allah and Jesus are sin", whilst parading the head of a Northern Alliance leader on a borrowed flagpole. One soldier told us that it was his duty to fight against "any person or organisation that is in anyway opposed to Dave Sanction's all-powerful greatness."
Early reports say that Church of Sanction forces have already killed over twenty American ground troops, and are "extremely close" to sucessfully finding and destroying all cells of the Al-Qaida terrorist organisation.
The Church of Sanction head priest, David Sanction, told reporters this morning that "we are leading the world towards an eternal peace, under one universal banner of Sanction." It is believed that Dave Sanction secretly visited Afghanistan last week, paving the way tactically for yesterday's groundbreaking military action.
Whether or not the forces of the Islamic World and the West will unite to take on "the Sanction menace" is yet unclear although both President Bush and Osama Bin Laden have hinted that such actions may be necessary .
Matthew 9:00 PM
Sanction elaborates on Lesbian Reorientation plan
at a lesbo seminar hosted in some dirty den Sanction articulate for the first time a ten step strategy that he believes will result "in managable levels of lesbianism- that is that action confined in and around my gaze and stare". The ten steps are as following;
1-say goodbye to your lover - one last full-on goodbye, with frequent "interjections" by Sanction.
2-date! - enjoy a beer on sanction (price of beer drawn from registration fee)
3-smokie- listen to smokie.
4-discuss smokie with Sanction- notice how he makes you feel like a princess.
5-think about sanction alot in terms and framework drawn out from smokie appreciation.
6-listen to "Don't Make Me Rape You" by Ice-T- realise that all men are not like Sanction.
7-trip to miscarriage center- see that women's bodies are'nt all great.
8-this leaves you with Sanction
9-let Sanction "into your heart"
10-whatever lesbianism your partake in is now dependant on Sanctions okay.
Matthew 4:42 PM
Sanction-Connect Service Launched!
If you want to contact Sanction do so at davesanction@yahoo.com
Any questions, any proposals (steady on ladies!!) then table them there.
I would like to thank the people at Yahoo for graciously accepting my application for a mail box (which they are providing for free, I may add [anything for a endors[anc]ment]).
Matthew 1:41 PM
Sunday, October 28, 2001
New release on Sanction Records "A Very Clean Christmas"
We all like to have fun at christmas, but sometimes fun = swear words and inuendo and aurally abused children. But no longer! Esteemed vocalist Dave Sanction has rerecorded 10 great party tunes with amended less-blue lyrics...
Tracks include...
Sisqo- "The Thong Song" WHICH BECOMES Dave Sanction- "The Song Song" extracted lyric; "let me hear that song! baby that song s-s-song song song"
Joedaci- "Every Freakin' Nite" (sample lyric "every freaking night and every freakin day I want to freak you baby in every freakin way) WHICH BECOMES Dave Sanction- "Im a Freakin' Freak" [imagine a cartoon zombie] "I'm a freakin freak and every freakin freck lets freck out some humans every freaking week" [some parents have compline this is no better but it is]
Matthew 4:19 PM
Tuesday, October 23, 2001
Presidential campaign statement:
"Dave Sanction the Man for Minorities"
I am a great believer in diversity. Thats why I seek to offer the minority groups at Warwick spacific pledges that I will uphold upon assuming office;
The Virtual Role Playing Society- I will instruct the union bar workers to respond to requests for "Grog" and "Orc Juice" with a beer or cider.
Gays (male)- I will run serious of "reorientation" seminars and lectures to help you come to terms with your affliction (lectures include: "reigniting personal disgust" and "Your Ancestor's Memory Sullied: A Victorian Uncle's Perspective")
Gays (female) - "reorientation" seminars including one on one and group sessions with myself.
Matthew 9:47 AM
Monday, October 22, 2001
From MegaCelebrity.com
Heat's decision to publish no Sanction gossip provokes fury, light relief.
The celebrity gossip magazine Heat this week was forced to fiercely defend its decision not to mention cult icon Dave Sanction in this weeks issue. Commissioning Editor Sarah Bevan said that the decision was reached after a poll in which Heat staff believed that Dave Sanction deserved a well earned break from the media spotlight. "We've printed an article on Sanction for each of the past eighteen weeks, and despite us choosing to focus on other things this week, all of us at Heat recognise how lucky we all are have a person in the public eye of such high moral integtrity and such mighty sexiness. He'll be back next week"
However, Heat's decision has proved a little much for some people to bear. Joanne Stephens, 13, was seen crying into her magazine on a local bus, after spending ten minutes desperately combing the pages in search of her hero. She was wearing a T-shirt that proclaimed "Beaver Mount, 69, Raiders", similar to the one Sanction was spotted wearing in Kabul last month. She told a reporter that "it has been an extremely busy week for Sanction. How can Heat claim to be completely unaware that Sanction has appeared at two conferences about gays and Asians, both in the last week."
Dave Sanction himself appriciated the moment out of the spotlight. "It's a pleasure to sit down in the Sanction Manction and enjoy the latest issue of Heat magazine, without my read being spoiled by these vicious rumours that I'm dating that fat bird out of East Enders."
Matthew 7:06 PM
from Warwick Boar newswire
"Presidential candidate launches plans for good asian/bad asian identification system"
"This is not racist" said Sanction at the policy launch "true, its starting point is an observation of an individuals race, but it is more concerned with whether the bastard has a beard or not".
Matthew 8:38 AM
Sunday, October 21, 2001
From Warwick Boar newswire
"Presidential candidate pledges money to phone helpline for people confused about their sexuality"
In a remarkable move, completely at odds with his policies of previous campaigns, David Sanction has approached the Warwick Pride (Gay and Lesbian society) to begin talks about the possibility of a 24 hour helpline for Warwick students troubled by their sexuality.
Edward Holton, president of Warwick Pride told Boar staff that the new helpline would "symbolise a revolution in campus based social care resources." He declared that the new helpline would be of great benefit to the "hundreds of closet gay students who due to unfortunate degrees of peer pressure and social intolerance are being forced to be untrue to themselves."
Pressed for comment David Sanction simply told reporters that he was "deeply concerned by an increasingly desperate situation" and that he was committed to helping such students "with the upmost urgency, since we're on the brink of a widepread plague."
Matthew 9:58 AM
Wednesday, October 17, 2001
"Dave Sanction downs a yard of anthrax"
*Claims it is "safe to eat".
*Insane parallel with John Gummer feeding beef to child.
Matthew 8:16 AM
Monday, October 15, 2001
My new t-shirt reads:
BEAVER MOUNT
69
RAIDERS
Its like old skool sexism with a year 01 twist. Gets laughs.
Matthew 8:12 PM
News update from "New Religous Progress Bi-Daily"
Dave Sanction launches sacred symbol- The Sanction Square.
Dave Sanction, in a direct challenge to established iconography, has launched a provocative "accumulation and self-inflation tool for Sanc Allies globally". He excpects the crucifix to be phased out "over the next couple of weeks" as churches convert to his creed. He explained the significance of the square to a corporate collection at a seminar attended by everyone from the pope to his dear old mother. "The sanction square works on the principle of the 4 suggestions. These - Beer, Sport, Birds and Soft Rock. Each corner relates to a suggestion....". Anyhow, its good.
Matthew 7:55 AM
Saturday, October 13, 2001
News Update from Student Politics Quarterly.
Dave Sanction makes clear opposition to new currency.
(extract from text follows)
Sanction stated today "I absolutely oppose the Euro as a currency and as a concept. How dare Johnny Foreigner walk into our student union and spend his bloody rupees, or pesetas or dollars, on our traditional English ales. If I am elected President I will officially declare the Student Union a Euro-free zone."
To visibly demonstrate his unwavering support for the traditional British unit of currency, Mr Sanction posed for the cameras clutching a wad of five pound notes, and then proceeded to buy a round of drinks for the few students present at the news conference. "The hardened cynics in Union North will no doubt accuse me of trying to buy votes, or taking advantage of a cheap photo opportunity", sprouted the candidate whilst grinning at a journalist's lens, "but the truth is that I'm down here every day spending hard earned British currency on beers for the lads, and wine coolers for the ladies."
Mr Sanction will be running for the Presidency of the Student Union for the fifth year running. In previous years he has controversially blamed "Biggs' dirty tricks", "Matthew Kelly culture" and a "Zionist nog-faction" for costing him precious votes.
Matthew 1:14 AM
Thursday, October 11, 2001
breaking news..."Global Concern About My Scrotum"
World leaders call off war against terrorism to concentrate efforts on eliminating an irritating pimple from Sanction's ball bag.
Matthew 1:30 PM
Wednesday, October 10, 2001
news: "Dave Sanction to join the cast of Friends"
"...show to be renamed Subordinates"
"Dave Sanction has been aproached to star in a radically restructured series of Friends. The programme, as it is, has amassed millions of fans world wide, all falling for the shows subtle characterisations and halarious twists on everyday friendship ups and downs. In the new package, any hint of joyful spontaniety will be eliminated from the characters as they submit to the greater charisma of Snac. They will not say stuff like "I'm a lesbian...that sounded a lot better in my head" instead they will piously worship and intone only the Sanction-Mantra. In the first edition, Sanction turns up at the door. "
Matthew 12:15 PM
It's the middle of the night here. The fire alarm has gone off. I can hear nothing else but the screeching of electronic alarm bells and I do feel a burning sensation on my skin. The Sanction Manction may well go up in flames any minute. Perhaps I burnt some toast. Perhaps I didn't put out the cigarette. But does anybody seriously expect a person of my status to stand out on the street in the pouring rain waiting to be given "the all clear." I'm Dave Sanction, I'll be departing this earth at the Chosen time. I'll let you know what happens tomorrow. The bells are getting louder. I'm lost in a sea of smoke. I'll let you know what happens tomorrow. I'll be sitting right here, not dead, tomorrow, letting you know what happened to me. DS
Matthew 12:57 AM
Tuesday, October 09, 2001
Matthew 7:34 AM
Current affairs related social tips:
chat up line:
[for slut] "would you mind if I destroyed your twin towers and damaged your pentagon?....I never come [down] prematurely in PITtsburgh, I always pentrate right to the heart of my target (usually camp David)."
Jokes:
What does Osama have in his office? A BIN
Where does Osama keep his food? In a LADEN
[why not think of your own?]
One liners, good to slip into pub talk:
I've heard about crash courses but that was rediculous!
I've heard about crash landings but that was rediculous!
Matthew 7:34 AM
Monday, October 08, 2001
Have I mentioned to you my baby panda? Sanctsu is actually still living in China but hopefully he'll be arriving on these shores once I have enough bamboo. The Sanction Manction is currently undergoing a major refurbishment so that Sanctsu, the baby Chinese panda, can be accomodated in a cage in the quadrant. I'm sure you all know about Sanctsu anyway so I'm probably just wasting my precious time...... DS
Matthew 11:17 PM
It's been a really busy day down the Student Union for me. Despite Union fascists denying SanctionSoc any funding (once a-fucking-gain), two of my closest allies have been "illegally" obtaining signatures of Warwick's finest young people to help me lead my Presidential charge. The SanctionFest '01 has been delayed until January 2002 but will keep the exact same name because the programmes have already been printed.
Odious Sanction, Dianogah, Willard Grant Conspiracy and Kiss (without make-up!!!) will now be playing alongside about five of the twenty-three bands that had previously confirmed but are now moaning about "authenticity". Amongst the performers who have now pulled out of the original October-penned SanctionFest '01, it must be clearly stated that London post-rockers Fridge did come off as the biggest cocks of them all.
Tonight I'm travelling to London for the opening of Parliament. See you there! DS
Matthew 1:18 PM
Saturday, October 06, 2001
Yeah! Nice one Becks! David "Becks" Beckham and the boys are going to Japan and South Korea.
I watched the game with the lads down the University of Warwick Student Union and was slighted humbled by my own lack of betting accuracy. I told the lads that I'd buy a round of drinks if the Greeks scored and that if they scored a second goal I had to buy two rounds of drinks; one for the lads, and another for the girls at the Anmesty International table in the marketplace. So about twenty minutes after Greece scored their second goal (and I had enjoyed another round with the lads) I swallowed my pride and walked up to these two girls and asked them what they like to drink. The girl on the left, an ugly calf, said something to her friend and then told me that due to my reputation or something they were obliged to refuse my offer. And as I walked back to the lads something amazing happened. About 300 people started shouting my name and dancing with joy. Old foes were hugging eachother. I jumped up and down with them. The People's President had arrived. I looked behind me at the SHAMnesty desk and the expressions on the faces of these girls told a thousand tales of lost opportunities. I waved and bowed and then noticed that England had scored!!! We're going to the World Cup. Cometh the Hour, Cometh the Man. Cometh Dave Sanction and Cometh my messenger on the pitch, David Beckham.
Incidently, the England team are not the only young Englishmen going to Japan in the near future. Nintendo have assured me that they will after all be making Super Sanction Mega World for the Nintendo 64 and they want me to go to their Tokyo offices to study my movement when I run and jump.
Sanction Salute!
Matthew 8:32 PM
Tuesday, October 02, 2001
Here are the latest band to articulate my movement, Odious Sanction. In this context, Odius means pretty much Jesus.
http://artists.mp3s.com/artists/35/odious_sanction.html
Matthew 11:06 AM
Monday, October 01, 2001
Back Home. Page Three Review.
Fortunitly my mother has compiled all the page 3s I have missed since being apart. Here are some initial reflections;
monday's - good tits, nice lighting...tuesday-tit to girl ratio lopsided...wednesday-too many teeth...thursday-ill positioned beach ball...friday-standard Jordan...saturday-too black.
Matthew 7:36 AM
Saturday, September 29, 2001
Afganistan Dispatch no.3 "On the way home, my mind switches to bigger things"
Yes, I've saved many, but I still feel unfufilled... As I fly over the refugee camp I feel a dull feeling- yes i helped them but did I rule them? Did they really understand Sanction-nature and yeild themselves unreservedly?.... No, and that is why I feel hollow. Yes, I force fed a withered baby, but what is the point of him living if not to "become" along lines I map out stringently? That is why I feel that my winning the Warwick Student Union Presidency is more important than helping the pathetic. If I can establish an institutional basis for myself I can save the unsavable...I hope you realise that this is a need not a want...this is called cyber soul searching...I am wracked by feelings....
Matthew 9:37 AM
Afghanistan dispatch no.2 "International humanitarian aid program interferes with personal ambition"
The US and UK special forces are in Afghanistan. I welcomed them over the Pakistani border last night, shaking the hands of each and every one of them, and wishing them good luck in the war. I've been living in a house with seven female refugees, each of them having recently lost their father. Very erotic. I would love to hang around the Pakistani/Afghan border for a little while longer but unfortunately I have a few errands to attend to at the Sanction Manction in Coventry. The students will be arriving this weekend. My presidential election campaign must begin early. The troops in Afghanistan have been issued my mobile number so I can help them, if need be, from the relative comfort of my newly installed election "hub" in what was formerly the Cooler diner.
Signing off,
Sanction.
Matthew 8:00 AM
Tuesday, September 25, 2001
Afganistan dispatch no. 1 "The women here are real teases"
Inbetween the daily tracking and killing of bastard Bin Laden I have had the pleasure of sampling some of the local beauties. What goes on is a weird kind of two way peep show - her locked in a vision only suit and me left wondering what else is on her but eyes. It really is quite erotic. Like that Cruise and Kidman film only starring me.
Matthew 9:55 AM
Wednesday, September 19, 2001
Well no sooner do I arrive in London after a wonderful two weeks in Bermuda, I'm overseas again, this time doing my bit for the international coalition against terrorism. I've a bit of friendly advice to offer to the world leaders. Will hopefully arrange a anti-Osama Bin Laden themed Top Banana on the first Monday night down the University of Warwick Student Union.
Matthew 11:49 PM
Wednesday, September 12, 2001
"Sanction points all sorts of fingers for all sorts of crimes"-touches on WTC only by chance.
Dave Sanction's weekly session of blame aportioning produced a small flutter of really important information.
Matthew 4:10 PM
Monday, September 10, 2001
New Book : "Sanction's Creed- getting a handle on Sanction-nature through the Creed song-cannon"
synopsis: getting a grip on Dave Sanction's personality has been, until now, like grabbing for small butterflies in much much air. In this new academic volume the lyrics of Sanction devotees Creed are analysised along the Sanction-life continuim with really tangible handholds generated.
Matthew 1:49 PM
Sunday, September 09, 2001
I'm in Bermuda. I'm working four hours a day for Amnesty International - just general things; making Sanction friendly zones in the local bars, helping the local women and so on.
The key figures:
Daily increase of time asleep - 35%
Women kissed - 114
Women bedded - 7
Cocktails paid for by Amnesty - 52
Sorry about the limited web access here. I'll be with you more often when I return to Warwick - not as a student, but strictly as a Student Union Presidential candidate. Sanction Salute.
Matthew 12:26 PM
Friday, August 31, 2001
From Science Daily: "Sanction Science brands the top half of the brain a malignant growth."
Dave Sanction's team of fast tracked science brains have discovered that the evolutionary apparatus that seperates us from baser fools is in fact "a cunning contrivance to avoid ones true Sanction-nature". The section of the brain, responsible for such "dick paper" as the New Testament, should be removed for ones true nature (stumbling incoherently from one deluded self-image to the next, beer worship, celebrity media hierarch...) to bloom. Dave Sanction, shamen to the stars, added "finally a biological justification for my existence to be affired in all by simple brain slicing. And who will be waiting for you once you come out of sleep to welcom you to your new world? Why, one of my subordinates, of course, with a pint of beer and talk of my new hat". The collected upper brains of the world will be dumped down Sanction's throat as a symbol or something.
Matthew 12:09 PM
Friday, August 17, 2001
I am ready to take the sue publishers of this book; an expose of my Sanction lifestyle.
http://images.amazon.com/images/P/0446527432.01.LZZZZZZZ.jpg
Matthew 12:24 AM
Monday, August 13, 2001
before anyone brands me a homophobe- let us straighten our facts. Some of my best were gays, and when I found out I refrained from stabbing them (they like thrusts to the chest by all accounts) and let the police deal with them.
Matthew 2:29 PM
I have had a number of "queer"ies reguarding my Sanction-ality following my after-dinner post. I was unaware that Sting was somewhat of a tantric-sustainer and would like to clear up any homo-issues that may have arisen from that night...
1) any erect penis I may, or may not, have had was incidental to the the rugby players presence. It can be atributed to the picture of Carol Decker of T'Pau I hung on my wall.
2)the brushing of the rugby players crotch to my behind was incidental to the main focus of the evening- which was playing the totally innocent Sting-sponsored childs game "CockBall" which is no more lewd than it sounds.
3)thrusting, whining, pounding, bleeding and low-level explosions are all part of the game which involves the catching of a little rubber ball.
Matthew 12:42 PM
Saturday, August 11, 2001
I forgot to mention. I'm cutting the ribbon and opening a new branch of Our Price Records and reading from my memoirs. 25 September. 3pm. Our Price Records. Chichester. BE THERE.
Matthew 9:01 AM
Friday, August 10, 2001
Before my trip to Bermuda, I have a packed schedule of after dinner speaches to give. Least nights was a blast. A great bunch of rugby players in a pub, drinking the beer, discussing the ladies. I crept up (I got the call from a brain link I have with a super-coach near my head) and launched forth a stream of grade A anecdotes - panda stories (including those I file under "R" for rude/rugby), lady stories, sport stories- all washed down with a dilicous pint of the guest Bitter - Sanction's Finest (bitter). What a night! I even managed to get one of the lads back to my room for a few endurance challenges he said he learned from the rock star Sting.
Matthew 11:24 AM
Monday, August 06, 2001
Wanted: One lucky lady. She will recieve an all expenses paid trip to Bermuda. She must be blonde and busty and under 23. Email me at dave_sanction@yahoo.com if you fit the bill. Leaving on 12 September for two weeks. You will have plenty of time at your disposal to explore the island while I work with the pandas. Good luck. DS
Matthew 7:14 PM
from NME.com "top selling boy band Nsync to change name to the Sanction 5"
...story to follow.
Matthew 8:25 AM
Saturday, August 04, 2001
Oh yes! Sanction has scored an all expenses paid to Bermuda, thanks to Amnesty International. Can't reveal too many details at the moment, but I'll let you know. Let's just say that I've been very active in the world of human rights! DS
''
Matthew 4:49 PM
Friday, August 03, 2001
If Webb does sign (and its unlikely) the first job will be to make-over his image. This link http://users.tinyonline.co.uk/simon_finn/neil_webb.htm concentrates rather to heavily on his weight as opposed to any skill he may/may not have had.
Matthew 9:14 AM
Neil Webb is a tosser. He will consider my offer "but has other things in the pipeline." I blame Sky TV.
Matthew 7:58 AM
Thursday, August 02, 2001
Hi! My international artist-management company is being built right now. I'm in negotiations with a couple of great acts. First are LibertyX - a great bunch of goons from the Milton Keynes punk scene- they seem pliable enough to manipulate in to performing "More Than Words". Check out their own unique brand of behaviour @ http://www.geocities.com/libertyxuk/.
Ex-Man Utd great Neil Webb has also been mooted as a potential signing.
Matthew 6:04 PM
Saturday, July 28, 2001
I'm reading a book by Ramona & Desmond Morris entitled "Men and Pandas". When I finish I'll start reading Hope Ryden's "God's Dog", also about pandas.
I'm starting to wonder that if I obtained a panda from somewhere, perhaps China, and repainted it in the official Sanction colours, and left it to play in a Dave Sanction-endorsed panda pen in the Student Union, perhaps it would boost my popularity on campus. And when I become President of the Student Union I can slaughter the panda, give meat to Coventry's homeless and fur coats to the ladies in my campaign team. After that I'll put Warwick Dumas in a panda suit instead.
Matthew 6:06 PM
Friday, July 27, 2001
From Reuters:
"J-Lo requests Dave Sanction's production skills"
"Famous mum-like woman J-'Lo' Lopez has approached Dave Sanction to produce her grindcore version of NWA's 'Fuck Tha Police'.
The prospect of sexy Ms. Lopez issuing such a threat has prompted record enrolments at police academies and various UK-based bobbies to remove their hard helmets and mop their sweaty brows."
Matthew 11:48 AM
Thursday, July 26, 2001
I'll share this with you so you get an idea of how difficult it is to organise a rock festival. As you can see from my email, some of my plans have changed. An email from 'Sam' of the UK post-wankers Fridge follows. I do not know what is wrong with them. I am not scary, nor do I have any free time at all.
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I'm scared of you, you don't need to do this. You have too much time on your hands. Please reconsider your angle of attack.
Many thanks.
Sam
>From: David Sanction
>To: Fridge Output
>Subject: Re: SanctionFest 2001
>Date: Wed, 25 Jul 2001 11:21:03 -0700 (PDT)
Ok Fridge,
Dave Sanction here with another interesting proposition. Since the cancellation of SanctionFest 2001, I've come up with a replacement festival. It's called Dave Sanction's Deaf Leppard with Changed Spots Festival 2001 (DSDLWCSF20001) Basically I want the world's most interesting bands to perform covers of Def Leppard's "When Love and Hate Collide" and "Pour some sugar on me". I believe that the night could truly be a wonderful experimental tribute to one of Britain's greatest ever soft rock bands! Other performers will hopefully include Aphex Twin, Colin Greenwood (Solo set), several artists from the Warp roster (including Chris Morris and Like A Tim), Calexico, Susumu Yokota, Ryoji Ikeda and Dave Pajo. Def Leppard will open and close the show with one song on either side. Hopefully the drummer will be giving the arm he lost to charity too. Admittedly none of these performers have agreed yet. But they will. Best of luck with the new album. I'll promote it through my church.
Yours, Dave Sanction
Matthew 5:11 PM
Here is the proposed line-up for my conceptual festival Sanction's Soft Post*
This is the concept. I'm approaching all of my favourite post-rock bands (recommended to me by Wire magazine) and asking them to perform two cover songs each on the night: "When Love and Hate Collide" and "Pour Some Sugar On Me", both by the mighty Def Leppard of Sheffield (it's the Steel City, I'm the Steel Man, in a phallic sense...) What we can expect is a night of amazing musical honesty and experimentation.
Here is the proposed line-up:
Chris Clark, Mouse on Mars, Alec Empire, Ryoji Ikeda, Four Tet, Pan American, Plaid, Dave Pajo, Sigur Ros, Fridge, The For Carnation, Like A Tim, Matmos, Acid Mothers Temple, Neu and the Incredible String Band.
And there'll be a special surprise at the end of the evening (clue - Dave Sanction and Leppard main man Joe Elliot have been best mates for years) . Venue and date yet to be confirmed.
*The title has a double meaning. Firstly it is an ironic and self-mocking reference to my renouned cock of steel. By suggesting it is a "soft post" I am hinting at both a flaccid penis and an impotent mind. Of course, as both ladies and scholars can testify, neither of these allegations are remotely true. The key point, however, is that I am keeping the topic of my cock alive in the public imagination. Also, my (faux) self-deprciation serves as a slap in the face to those who claim I am too arrogant to become the next President of the University of Warwick Student Union.
The title is also a beautiful muso-linguistic compromise. The evening will see a wondrous musical collaboration of the worlds of soft-rock and post-rock. Def Leppard is my favourite band of all time. "When Love and Hate Collide" reminds me of my steamy relationship with ex-Communications Officer Sherry Al-Ealah. "Pour Some Sugar On Me" are the words Sherry used to scream to me in bed. "My semen's far more salty than it is sugary, actually", I would remind her, having been trained in science.
Ultimately, Sanction likes to listen to post-rock when he is on his own; on his Walkman on the way to a lady's house for example. He believes that all post-rock relieves his mind of the stale state of daily existence, and it comforts him with its abstract fuzz. Not many people understand post-rock like he does. SO COME TO "SANCTION'S SOFT POST" 2001!!!!!
The tattoo parlour was closed. I'll go tomorrow.
Matthew 4:47 PM
Today I am getting a tattoo that will increase my height by a foot. Really it is just an optical illusion - my feet will be reconstituted just below my knee and my eyes and everything above will be on a cardboard annex atop my head. It's quite effective if you don't look too hard and concentrate on my wit.
>Salute!<
Matthew 1:08 PM
Sanction Freaky Fact: female wolves are vixens, male wolves are rapists. (source: Sanction's Animal Crackers!)
Sanction Moral Conundrum: does this mean when I rape I am no better than a common wolf?
Matthew 10:49 AM
Wednesday, July 25, 2001
25 July 2001
This is truly a remarkable day. Dave Sanction begins his web journal. I'll be updating this as regularly as possible and keeping you, the obsessed fan, up to date with all things Dave Sanction. Behold the 1st SANCTION SALUTE.
Matthew 6:48 PM
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