Tuesday, October 30, 2001
From Reuters newsfeed:
"Allied Forces, Taliban and Al-Qaida prepare for unexpected new war in Afghanistan"
To the surprise of both the Taliban leadership and the UK and US governments, a third side have entered the war in Afghanistan, threatening a Holy War against "the current warring factions".
Is is believed that about 2500 members of The Church of Sanction, a hugely influential international operation, managed to sneak over the Afghan border late last night. Today they walked throught the streets of Kandahar proclaiming "Sanction is Glorious, Allah and Jesus are sin", whilst parading the head of a Northern Alliance leader on a borrowed flagpole. One soldier told us that it was his duty to fight against "any person or organisation that is in anyway opposed to Dave Sanction's all-powerful greatness."
Early reports say that Church of Sanction forces have already killed over twenty American ground troops, and are "extremely close" to sucessfully finding and destroying all cells of the Al-Qaida terrorist organisation.
The Church of Sanction head priest, David Sanction, told reporters this morning that "we are leading the world towards an eternal peace, under one universal banner of Sanction." It is believed that Dave Sanction secretly visited Afghanistan last week, paving the way tactically for yesterday's groundbreaking military action.
Whether or not the forces of the Islamic World and the West will unite to take on "the Sanction menace" is yet unclear although both President Bush and Osama Bin Laden have hinted that such actions may be necessary .
Matthew 9:00 PM
Sanction elaborates on Lesbian Reorientation plan
at a lesbo seminar hosted in some dirty den Sanction articulate for the first time a ten step strategy that he believes will result "in managable levels of lesbianism- that is that action confined in and around my gaze and stare". The ten steps are as following;
1-say goodbye to your lover - one last full-on goodbye, with frequent "interjections" by Sanction.
2-date! - enjoy a beer on sanction (price of beer drawn from registration fee)
3-smokie- listen to smokie.
4-discuss smokie with Sanction- notice how he makes you feel like a princess.
5-think about sanction alot in terms and framework drawn out from smokie appreciation.
6-listen to "Don't Make Me Rape You" by Ice-T- realise that all men are not like Sanction.
7-trip to miscarriage center- see that women's bodies are'nt all great.
8-this leaves you with Sanction
9-let Sanction "into your heart"
10-whatever lesbianism your partake in is now dependant on Sanctions okay.
Matthew 4:42 PM
Sanction-Connect Service Launched!
If you want to contact Sanction do so at davesanction@yahoo.com
Any questions, any proposals (steady on ladies!!) then table them there.
I would like to thank the people at Yahoo for graciously accepting my application for a mail box (which they are providing for free, I may add [anything for a endors[anc]ment]).
Matthew 1:41 PM
Sunday, October 28, 2001
New release on Sanction Records "A Very Clean Christmas"
We all like to have fun at christmas, but sometimes fun = swear words and inuendo and aurally abused children. But no longer! Esteemed vocalist Dave Sanction has rerecorded 10 great party tunes with amended less-blue lyrics...
Tracks include...
Sisqo- "The Thong Song" WHICH BECOMES Dave Sanction- "The Song Song" extracted lyric; "let me hear that song! baby that song s-s-song song song"
Joedaci- "Every Freakin' Nite" (sample lyric "every freaking night and every freakin day I want to freak you baby in every freakin way) WHICH BECOMES Dave Sanction- "Im a Freakin' Freak" [imagine a cartoon zombie] "I'm a freakin freak and every freakin freck lets freck out some humans every freaking week" [some parents have compline this is no better but it is]
Matthew 4:19 PM
Tuesday, October 23, 2001
Presidential campaign statement:
"Dave Sanction the Man for Minorities"
I am a great believer in diversity. Thats why I seek to offer the minority groups at Warwick spacific pledges that I will uphold upon assuming office;
The Virtual Role Playing Society- I will instruct the union bar workers to respond to requests for "Grog" and "Orc Juice" with a beer or cider.
Gays (male)- I will run serious of "reorientation" seminars and lectures to help you come to terms with your affliction (lectures include: "reigniting personal disgust" and "Your Ancestor's Memory Sullied: A Victorian Uncle's Perspective")
Gays (female) - "reorientation" seminars including one on one and group sessions with myself.
Matthew 9:47 AM
Monday, October 22, 2001
From MegaCelebrity.com
Heat's decision to publish no Sanction gossip provokes fury, light relief.
The celebrity gossip magazine Heat this week was forced to fiercely defend its decision not to mention cult icon Dave Sanction in this weeks issue. Commissioning Editor Sarah Bevan said that the decision was reached after a poll in which Heat staff believed that Dave Sanction deserved a well earned break from the media spotlight. "We've printed an article on Sanction for each of the past eighteen weeks, and despite us choosing to focus on other things this week, all of us at Heat recognise how lucky we all are have a person in the public eye of such high moral integtrity and such mighty sexiness. He'll be back next week"
However, Heat's decision has proved a little much for some people to bear. Joanne Stephens, 13, was seen crying into her magazine on a local bus, after spending ten minutes desperately combing the pages in search of her hero. She was wearing a T-shirt that proclaimed "Beaver Mount, 69, Raiders", similar to the one Sanction was spotted wearing in Kabul last month. She told a reporter that "it has been an extremely busy week for Sanction. How can Heat claim to be completely unaware that Sanction has appeared at two conferences about gays and Asians, both in the last week."
Dave Sanction himself appriciated the moment out of the spotlight. "It's a pleasure to sit down in the Sanction Manction and enjoy the latest issue of Heat magazine, without my read being spoiled by these vicious rumours that I'm dating that fat bird out of East Enders."
Matthew 7:06 PM
from Warwick Boar newswire
"Presidential candidate launches plans for good asian/bad asian identification system"
"This is not racist" said Sanction at the policy launch "true, its starting point is an observation of an individuals race, but it is more concerned with whether the bastard has a beard or not".
Matthew 8:38 AM
Sunday, October 21, 2001
From Warwick Boar newswire
"Presidential candidate pledges money to phone helpline for people confused about their sexuality"
In a remarkable move, completely at odds with his policies of previous campaigns, David Sanction has approached the Warwick Pride (Gay and Lesbian society) to begin talks about the possibility of a 24 hour helpline for Warwick students troubled by their sexuality.
Edward Holton, president of Warwick Pride told Boar staff that the new helpline would "symbolise a revolution in campus based social care resources." He declared that the new helpline would be of great benefit to the "hundreds of closet gay students who due to unfortunate degrees of peer pressure and social intolerance are being forced to be untrue to themselves."
Pressed for comment David Sanction simply told reporters that he was "deeply concerned by an increasingly desperate situation" and that he was committed to helping such students "with the upmost urgency, since we're on the brink of a widepread plague."
Matthew 9:58 AM
Wednesday, October 17, 2001
"Dave Sanction downs a yard of anthrax"
*Claims it is "safe to eat".
*Insane parallel with John Gummer feeding beef to child.
Matthew 8:16 AM
Monday, October 15, 2001
My new t-shirt reads:
BEAVER MOUNT
69
RAIDERS
Its like old skool sexism with a year 01 twist. Gets laughs.
Matthew 8:12 PM
News update from "New Religous Progress Bi-Daily"
Dave Sanction launches sacred symbol- The Sanction Square.
Dave Sanction, in a direct challenge to established iconography, has launched a provocative "accumulation and self-inflation tool for Sanc Allies globally". He excpects the crucifix to be phased out "over the next couple of weeks" as churches convert to his creed. He explained the significance of the square to a corporate collection at a seminar attended by everyone from the pope to his dear old mother. "The sanction square works on the principle of the 4 suggestions. These - Beer, Sport, Birds and Soft Rock. Each corner relates to a suggestion....". Anyhow, its good.
Matthew 7:55 AM
Saturday, October 13, 2001
News Update from Student Politics Quarterly.
Dave Sanction makes clear opposition to new currency.
(extract from text follows)
Sanction stated today "I absolutely oppose the Euro as a currency and as a concept. How dare Johnny Foreigner walk into our student union and spend his bloody rupees, or pesetas or dollars, on our traditional English ales. If I am elected President I will officially declare the Student Union a Euro-free zone."
To visibly demonstrate his unwavering support for the traditional British unit of currency, Mr Sanction posed for the cameras clutching a wad of five pound notes, and then proceeded to buy a round of drinks for the few students present at the news conference. "The hardened cynics in Union North will no doubt accuse me of trying to buy votes, or taking advantage of a cheap photo opportunity", sprouted the candidate whilst grinning at a journalist's lens, "but the truth is that I'm down here every day spending hard earned British currency on beers for the lads, and wine coolers for the ladies."
Mr Sanction will be running for the Presidency of the Student Union for the fifth year running. In previous years he has controversially blamed "Biggs' dirty tricks", "Matthew Kelly culture" and a "Zionist nog-faction" for costing him precious votes.
Matthew 1:14 AM
Thursday, October 11, 2001
breaking news..."Global Concern About My Scrotum"
World leaders call off war against terrorism to concentrate efforts on eliminating an irritating pimple from Sanction's ball bag.
Matthew 1:30 PM
Wednesday, October 10, 2001
news: "Dave Sanction to join the cast of Friends"
"...show to be renamed Subordinates"
"Dave Sanction has been aproached to star in a radically restructured series of Friends. The programme, as it is, has amassed millions of fans world wide, all falling for the shows subtle characterisations and halarious twists on everyday friendship ups and downs. In the new package, any hint of joyful spontaniety will be eliminated from the characters as they submit to the greater charisma of Snac. They will not say stuff like "I'm a lesbian...that sounded a lot better in my head" instead they will piously worship and intone only the Sanction-Mantra. In the first edition, Sanction turns up at the door. "
Matthew 12:15 PM
It's the middle of the night here. The fire alarm has gone off. I can hear nothing else but the screeching of electronic alarm bells and I do feel a burning sensation on my skin. The Sanction Manction may well go up in flames any minute. Perhaps I burnt some toast. Perhaps I didn't put out the cigarette. But does anybody seriously expect a person of my status to stand out on the street in the pouring rain waiting to be given "the all clear." I'm Dave Sanction, I'll be departing this earth at the Chosen time. I'll let you know what happens tomorrow. The bells are getting louder. I'm lost in a sea of smoke. I'll let you know what happens tomorrow. I'll be sitting right here, not dead, tomorrow, letting you know what happened to me. DS
Matthew 12:57 AM
Tuesday, October 09, 2001
Matthew 7:34 AM
Current affairs related social tips:
chat up line:
[for slut] "would you mind if I destroyed your twin towers and damaged your pentagon?....I never come [down] prematurely in PITtsburgh, I always pentrate right to the heart of my target (usually camp David)."
Jokes:
What does Osama have in his office? A BIN
Where does Osama keep his food? In a LADEN
[why not think of your own?]
One liners, good to slip into pub talk:
I've heard about crash courses but that was rediculous!
I've heard about crash landings but that was rediculous!
Matthew 7:34 AM
Monday, October 08, 2001
Have I mentioned to you my baby panda? Sanctsu is actually still living in China but hopefully he'll be arriving on these shores once I have enough bamboo. The Sanction Manction is currently undergoing a major refurbishment so that Sanctsu, the baby Chinese panda, can be accomodated in a cage in the quadrant. I'm sure you all know about Sanctsu anyway so I'm probably just wasting my precious time...... DS
Matthew 11:17 PM
It's been a really busy day down the Student Union for me. Despite Union fascists denying SanctionSoc any funding (once a-fucking-gain), two of my closest allies have been "illegally" obtaining signatures of Warwick's finest young people to help me lead my Presidential charge. The SanctionFest '01 has been delayed until January 2002 but will keep the exact same name because the programmes have already been printed.
Odious Sanction, Dianogah, Willard Grant Conspiracy and Kiss (without make-up!!!) will now be playing alongside about five of the twenty-three bands that had previously confirmed but are now moaning about "authenticity". Amongst the performers who have now pulled out of the original October-penned SanctionFest '01, it must be clearly stated that London post-rockers Fridge did come off as the biggest cocks of them all.
Tonight I'm travelling to London for the opening of Parliament. See you there! DS
Matthew 1:18 PM
Saturday, October 06, 2001
Yeah! Nice one Becks! David "Becks" Beckham and the boys are going to Japan and South Korea.
I watched the game with the lads down the University of Warwick Student Union and was slighted humbled by my own lack of betting accuracy. I told the lads that I'd buy a round of drinks if the Greeks scored and that if they scored a second goal I had to buy two rounds of drinks; one for the lads, and another for the girls at the Anmesty International table in the marketplace. So about twenty minutes after Greece scored their second goal (and I had enjoyed another round with the lads) I swallowed my pride and walked up to these two girls and asked them what they like to drink. The girl on the left, an ugly calf, said something to her friend and then told me that due to my reputation or something they were obliged to refuse my offer. And as I walked back to the lads something amazing happened. About 300 people started shouting my name and dancing with joy. Old foes were hugging eachother. I jumped up and down with them. The People's President had arrived. I looked behind me at the SHAMnesty desk and the expressions on the faces of these girls told a thousand tales of lost opportunities. I waved and bowed and then noticed that England had scored!!! We're going to the World Cup. Cometh the Hour, Cometh the Man. Cometh Dave Sanction and Cometh my messenger on the pitch, David Beckham.
Incidently, the England team are not the only young Englishmen going to Japan in the near future. Nintendo have assured me that they will after all be making Super Sanction Mega World for the Nintendo 64 and they want me to go to their Tokyo offices to study my movement when I run and jump.
Sanction Salute!
Matthew 8:32 PM
Tuesday, October 02, 2001
Here are the latest band to articulate my movement, Odious Sanction. In this context, Odius means pretty much Jesus.
http://artists.mp3s.com/artists/35/odious_sanction.html
Matthew 11:06 AM
Monday, October 01, 2001
Back Home. Page Three Review.
Fortunitly my mother has compiled all the page 3s I have missed since being apart. Here are some initial reflections;
monday's - good tits, nice lighting...tuesday-tit to girl ratio lopsided...wednesday-too many teeth...thursday-ill positioned beach ball...friday-standard Jordan...saturday-too black.
Matthew 7:36 AM
/// ///
|
|
|