Friday, November 30, 2001
Sanction announces total car crash/rape/dead panda physical/psychological/imagined damage statistics.
November statistics.
Car crash body percentage burns - 0.000000001%
Percentage Dave Sanction cock - 6.2% (October - 6.15%)
Car crash bruises - 4 (Sanction now has seven bruises in total)
Location of Car Crash bruises - Knees and elbows
Mental trauma caused by crash/death of fellow passengers - too negilible to calculate.
Percentage increase in weekly personal suffering during Sanction rape case - 0.1%
Percentage increase in conviction of belief of personal immortality - 145% (October increase - 41%)
Number of times raped in life - Have never been raped.
Mental trauma caused by death of Sanctsu - I'm very annoyed by Sanctsu's death.
Number of women kissed - 21 (October - 8)
Number of female breasts fondled - 7 (October - 13)
Faith in UK judicial system - Up 33% after court case, but it had fallen 73% before initial imprisonment ruling.
Likelyhood of winning next Student Union Presidential Election - 100%
Matthew 10:47 PM
Rumours of my death were greatly exaggerated. I am alive, happy and doing rather well. The odd bruise or cut here or there but nothing major. Not everybody survived yesterday's crash however, including the ol' Beatle George Harrison who heard a rumour that I had been hurt and died on the spot. The other four people in the car also perished. I have been invited to various funerals in Lausanne and Zurich next week but sadly I already have plans. I'm lecturing at Loughborough on Monday afternoon (The Decline of the Athlete: Sport, science and Sanctionism) and giving a talk for World Aids Day to homosexual students in York on Tuesday (Prevention is Better than Cure: a chance to change). On Wednesday I'm getting that tattoo I was meant to get three months ago, the one that will increase my height quite dramatically. And on Thursday I have Mr Qu visiting me in the Mancsion to talk about pandas. Thus, sadly, no funerals next week. And by the way, thanks to all of you who preyed for me last night. It means a lot to me. Cheers!
DS
Matthew 10:28 PM
Breaking news. 12.31am. London.
Dave Sanction sole survivor in horrific Swiss car crash.
British celebrity Dave Sanction has survived a car crash in the Swiss Alps in which his four fellow passengers died after tumbling off the edge of a cliff. Witnesses say that the car exploded before it veered off the edge. Mr Sanction has been found sleeping in a bush on the inside of the road. He is only slightly bruised. Police believe that the impact of the explosion caused Mr Sanction to fly through the space left by the right hand door and land softly on a nearby bush. It is believed that he was the only passenger not wearing a seatbelt. Mr Sanction has suffered a difficult November, a month in which he has spent a week in jail and lost his beloved pet panda Sanctsu, and as some people believe, he was brutally gang raped on a Coventry street corner. He is expected to return home to England tomorrow. Police do not yet know the cause of the explosion in the vehicle, and they are refusing to rule out terrorism as a possible cause. The identities of the victims is as yet undisclosed.
Matthew 12:51 AM
Thursday, November 29, 2001
A message from a Pastor of the Church of Sanction, Andy Utter.
Given the urgency of this situation I would like to remind you all to turn to page 156.2 of the Sancbles.
For those of you without a book, I reprint the following verse that should be recited loudly and continuously until further news on our leader is received.
Lord Sanction, give strength to yourself.
We prey you live long and in perfect health.
And if the immortal is to concede to the evil will.
Sanction will be our leader, forever, until.
Oh good Sanction, may you forever live
And in my shorter life, my whole life I will give
To your glorious Name, and your body so strong.
May you heal fast and prosper, may your life be so long.
We prey for good news.
Matthew 7:34 PM
Breaking News. 19.02pm. London.
David Sanction feared dead in Swiss car crash.
Swiss police have confirmed that a vehicle carrying British celebrity David Sanction and four Swiss companions has been involved in a major crash in the Swiss alps near the Crans-Montana resort. One witness has told reporters that the car suddenly burst into flames and veered over the edge of the cliff. There are unlikely to be any survivers.
More news to follow.
Matthew 7:11 PM
Alright? I'm over in Zurich visiting the family vaults. I'm in an internet cafe with my interpreter Heidi. She's sipping coffee and looking sexy and I'm handing out a few "Chruch of Sanction" flyers (in Deutch!!) and writing to friends. On the plane over here I happened to sit right next to singer/songwriter Stephen Merritt, and within the space of eighty minutes I managed to persuade him to call his new band the "The Heart Sanctions", which will certainly do no harm to my cause. Heidi is fantastic. She speaks English, French and German. I'm not the world's greatest linguist, but I'm the world's greatest lover and can say "do you want a shag from Sanction, love" in eight different languages!!! Jokes aside, I have some important work to do while I am in Zurich. Let's just say that the Sanction family doesn't keep their riches in the Barclays. And some say that this will be the most expensive Warwick Presidential Election campaign ever staged..... Will reveal all soon. These Swiss are weird aren't they? I'm going skiing tomorrow!!!!
Love,
DS
Matthew 1:27 PM
Wednesday, November 28, 2001
From the "Have A Merry Sancmas-Compassion Edition" songbook
Do They Know Its Sancmastime? (if so what the fuck are they doing?)
In Kabul it is snowing
but not snow- BOMBS [bomb sound effect]
as soon as they stop sending us their anthrax
we'll hault the onslaught
It really is a simple equation
comply and it will be cool
you can reintegrate into the global community
and celebrate Sancmas time too
It really is in your own hands, Abdullah
you are to blame
For the twang of pain in my heart
When I see a (brown) baby dead
[chorus]Are the Muslims all stupid?
Can they not read the words?
Allah is dead
only Sanction is true
So shake off the Turban
And go shave that beard
and I'll pour you a pint
because Sancmastime is here
Matthew 9:22 AM
Tuesday, November 27, 2001
From the "Have A Merry Sancmas" family songbook.
The snow piles up thick on the lawn.
The kids wake at the crack of the dawn.
Under the tree the kids are looking
In the oven the turkey is cooking
The family will gather today
To sit round the table and prey
For the blessing that they all crave
From a man called Sanction, Dave.
On this day several years ago
The lawn was a-covered in snow
And Mrs Sanction gave birth to a boy
And the whole world was filled with joy.
So have a merry Sancmas my friends
And from Sanction his love he sends
All the people will laugh and play.
When Sanction smiles on Sancmas day!
Matthew 10:04 PM
Monday, November 26, 2001
By the reporters of Pandaworld.com and the Chinese News bureau
Sanction panda burial attracts crowd of thousands in Beijing.
Over nine thousand people have attended the burial of Sanctsu, a rare breed of Chinese panda that starved to death under the ownership of English celebrity-plus Dave Sanction. Sanctsu tragically starved to death in a cage while his owner was imprisoned before a court case. The dead panda was flown back to China for a burial service in Beijing, the Chinese capital, which nearly ten thousand Chinese elites attended. The death of Sanctsu, a male panda that Mr Sanction was looking after until a suitable female partner was found, is likely to have dire consequences for the future of the species.
The Chinese government announced in an official statement that "David Sanction is the enemy of the Chinese people and of panda lovers around the globe."
Dave Sanction, using a videophone, told those who assembled for the burial that "I am extremely saddened by Sanctsu's tragic death. However, it was not the fault of Dave Sanction. I had left seven days worth of bamboo in Sanctsu's cage the day before I was taken by police. However, Sanctsu was so distraught by my arrest he could barely sleep, smile or move, let alone eat. He died because he thought he was going to forever lose his owner. He died of a broken heart. And I was wrongly jailed in the first place. Ladies and gentlemen, Dave Sanction is a friend of the Chinese people. Your true enemy is the West Midlands Police Force who have no respect for the ancient traditions of over one-third of the world's population. The great nation of China should ensure that she uses all her resources to deliver a quick and resounding justice against this ignorant and rascist police force!"
Sanction analysts are considering this speech as perhaps the greatest he has ever given, and expect that it will pave the way for the Church of Sanction to start operating in China.
Matthew 3:38 PM
Great to be out it is. Just intime for Sancmas. My forthcoming project is to make the populace aware of the sheer miracle of my birth. If we all turn to page 123.6 of our Sancbles we will read;
...And thus did the cow-couple enter the shed
And blessed mother daisy did down rest her head
And holy-father Xii-stud did clear the ground of filth
And out bestowed Sanction covered in after-birth
And out rushed dear farmer with wife and their brood
And towards dear, sweet Sanction did they say these words
"oh what are you what are you you bestial fiend"
And banished him to Hollywood where he could'nt succeed...
Matthew 10:13 AM
Friday, November 23, 2001
New from the Sanction Book Club- "Sucking Myself Off- a week and a bit in prison"
In this new volume Dave Sanction recounts in real time the truth of life behind bars.
*gasp as Sanction reveals the truth behind widespread buggery in a candid discussion of sexual politics;
"lads need to get stuff off there chest as it were, so there is an unspoken consensus that a nightly fuck fest is Sanctioned. However, you can split the lads into basically two groups- those who administer and those who recieve the full benefits. Understandably, gay sex being a pragmatic necessity for the hetros, the former group is more sizable. Some of the cock-to-hole ratios are unspeakably weighted- think of a whale living in a wood worms home."
*shock as Sanction reveals the method for Candalabra synthesis- the hot new prison drug that metaliscises your brain;
"basically you melt down your cutlery using a lighter (any metal object really- bronze is esp. good I hear), mix in your porridge oats wait to cool and snort. It produces an effect very simular to the excavation of Tutankarmuns (sic) tomb."
*be prepared to rewrite English language theory books as Sanction introduces Triclyopes- an innovative new way to express the totality of a situation from multiple viewpoints.
[in this passage sentances marked [1] are from Sanction-eye-view, marked [2] from fellow inmates, marked [3] that of a pack of cigarettes]
"[2] The light stepped forth from the mattress, dressed like a ragged god [1] I got up as usual [3] if only he would have an anxiety and require of me my service! [1] I told that rude joke about the chicken crossing the road to get to the brothel [2] oh the mirth! oh the merriment! may my incarceration never end [3] to have one of my number grace those lips from whence issued such finery- oh that I could have a mouth to share in this wonder!"
Matthew 11:42 AM
Some bad news. My pet panda, Sanctsu, has died of starvation while I was in prison. News such as this really does put the whole rape case ordeal in perspective. I loved Sanctsu and now he is gone. DS
Matthew 11:14 AM
From Reuters newswire
Dave Sanction innocent, probably raped - now faces charges of perjury.
At the end of a gruelling twelve hour session in court, Judge Simon Finkelstein ruled that Dave Sanction had lied to the police and to the court, confessing his guilt when he was probably the victim of rape himself. On Thursday in Coventry County Court, Dave Sanction, providing his own defence, told the jury that he brutally raped three women on Saturday night on a street corner in residential Coventry. He pleaded guilty on three charges of rape but believed he could evoke the Royal Rape Exemption Act of 1674. He told the court that since he was a religious leader, and had worked for the UN in Afghanistan and Kosovo, that his imprisonment would be a "societal disaster" and a "tragedy for the victims of landmines" all over the world. Under the Rape Exemption Act, Mr Sanction told the court, persons who would cause more damage going to prison and not raping then if they were to stay in society and continue raping, were given a special exemption. The judge called for recess and six hours later declared that Mr Sanction's aforementioned act was completely fictional, and wouldn't save Sanction's skin.
Mr Sanction looked dejected and confused. At 5.32pm the judge called a spokesperson from the West Midlands Police to the stand. He showed the jury CCTV footage of the incident itself, evidence only discovered during the court recess. The shocking footage showed Mr Sanction walking home alone, playing air guitar and singing aloud, when suddenly two masked men jumped out from a bush and brutally attacked him. It isn't clear from the video footage whether or not the men penetrated Mr Sanction's regions or not. Mr Sanction at first denied the man on the screen was him, but after seeing a close up of his yellow Donnay hood, conceeded that although the man was him, the men were friends and they were only playacting.
Two hours later the jury determined that Mr Sanction was not guilty on two charges of rape, but will have to stand trial for perjury since he repeatedly lied to the police and to the court. It is also expected that a new investigation will attempt to determine who attacked Mr Sanction, and whether or not Mr Sanction was raped.
Questioned outside the court, a victorious but oddly subdued Mr Sanction told reporters "I would sooner rape one thousand innocent women than be touched indecently by a single man. I may be free, but I must clear my name. I'm rapeproof"
Sanction was escorted home by armed police at 10.40pm on Thursday night. At 11.30 on Thursday night, local residents reported the sound of gunfire coming from his residence.
Matthew 12:56 AM
Thursday, November 22, 2001
fanother selection from the hit (to be produced by Johnny King).
I was on the way to a models house
and you were one the street
you tripped me up and begged me to bestow you a treat
I was in the midst of a celebrity-sex schedule
and my time was near full
[delaladelaladadeladado]
... but I condescended to fuck you
["the bridge"]
it took a few minutes right there in the street
but I grew to respect the fact that you were[silent t]
a junkie who would do anything on command
and now that you love me I am quite glad.
[deep voiced spoken monologue as music descends to barry white deep funk love groove]
"hey baby...it was a year ago today that you brazen self abasement jolted me from my celebrity circle. It made me stop and realise - why pay lipservice to respecting a career when I could become someones whole life....you love me...good for you!"
[delededededodado]
Your love for me is not rape
and neither's mine for you
Its consensual sex through reasonable force
legitimised by ongoing psychological torch (torture)
So tie a yellow ribbon
And I'll be home soon
come to think of it
tie yourself to the bed right now
and wait for my return
[bum-de-le-le-le-le-crash]
Matthew 12:04 PM
Wednesday, November 21, 2001
So I didn't win the election today.... I had been hoping to become the new President of the West Midlands Prisoners Union but some greasy fraud-man beat me to it. I don't care a single shit! The prisoners are a bunch of hopeless, layabout, good-for-nothing thugs anyway, and wouldn't recognise a great man if he were eight foot tall. There isn't a single ounce of intelligence in this place!
I think I'm the only political prisoner here. Once upon a time in this world, great men were sent to jail where they built up their political resolve and eventually became powerful political leaders. Think of Nelson Mandela, Malcolm X and Adolf Hitler (soon you will be able to add Dave Sanction to that illustrious list)
But the reason why I didn't win this election is because the people in prison these days are all losers. Just take a look at my pathetic cellmates - Big Fat Bob, Charlie "The Predator" Smith, Leeroy "The Shadow" Ougale, Carnal John, Jonathan "Cocksucking" Aitken and Harry the Rapist - I mean, can you really see any of these idiots becoming Great Men? Exactly. And that's why they voted for the other candidate! Because all prisoners are stupid. Get me back to the University of Warwick! I'm a student's man, not a prisoner's man. I'm a ladies man. I'm Dave Sanction.
Matthew 3:18 PM
It is well known that creative things can come out of suffering. You just have to look at all that art stuff whats about the place. I have written this song which encapsulates how it must feel for Mary to know that she loves me (and that I pay lipservice to reciprocating the feeling). Here are some initial verses;
the Prison-Heart song
oh there are bars inbetween us
and do you have the key?
and I know you are waiting
because you're lucky to have me
[even] If I had raped you [this is not an admission of guilt on the case pending]
you or your mum
you'd stand outside the prison gates
waiting and beggin for more-some
Oh you are one a million
because Sanction choose you
to pine for him dayly
[musical break]...and he occasionally thinks of you too
Matthew 11:35 AM
Tuesday, November 20, 2001
From The Journal of British Prison Reform
Celebrity prisoner Dave Sanction in semen stained pillow case uproar.
Dave Sanction is likely to become President of the West Midlands Prisoners Union, despite having been behind bars only five days, thanks to the strength of his "no more semen stained pillow cases" campaign.
"I've been given one pillow case to last the whole week, and there are three huge Bill Clintons scattered in such a unbiased manner so that I can't rest my face for the night without coming into contact with dried bits of old gay enthusiasm." Mr Sanction appears to have the support of many of his fellow prisoners. "Most of the lads agree with me on this one. One man woke up in the morning to find old sperm encrusted on his lips. It's gone beyond a joke." Mr Sanction is promising to "sort 'em out" if elected President of the West Midlands Prisoners Union in elections on Wednesday afternoon. "If elected President tomorrow, I'll demand the proper cleaning of all prison bedding across the West Midlands", shouted Sanction to deafening cheers.
Mr Sanction declined an interview with our reporter because he was "frizzed off his face on candalbra".
Matthew 11:04 PM
the drug situation in here is crazy. Im getting frizzed off my face on candalabra every day.
Matthew 11:20 AM
Monday, November 19, 2001
"Sanction to Plead Guilty to Lesser Charge of "Rough Sex"
"Claims he used resonable means to overcome an unnecessary frigidity"
"Will use "C'mon your honour, we've all been tempted. Ain''t we lads [knowing wink to jury]" argument"
"Will use great friend Uri Geller to prove innocence through mind bending"
"will cross examine his accusser over a pint of beer."
"Will be out in time for christmas."
Matthew 4:12 PM
From Associated Press
Sanction Court Case Set for Thursday
Dave Sanction will appear in Coventry County Court on Thursday morning pleading innocence against charges of rape. It is expected that he will provide his own defence. Sanction spokesperson Andy Utter claimed that "Mr Sanction is extremely confident that the jury will find him innocent of any wrongdoing. He is looking forward to being able to get on with a normal life." Meanwhile, Berlin police are investigating reports of an suicide of a 16 year old girl who wrote in a note to her family (translated) "it cannot be true.... If Sanction has really done this than my life is no longer worth living. If my heroes are murderers and rapists I should kill myself now, before I do harm to others." It is believed that Katerine Huter owned $2000 of Sanction memorabilia at the time of her death, including several bottles of unused hair gel she found in the rubbish bins outside the Sanction Manction.
Matthew 3:15 PM
Well I have about two minutes left online. Lights out is at 2am and they wake us up at 8am. The only other person in this room is a fat woman with a broom. Since I am here on rape charges, they tie me to the chair while I surf the net. Do they really think that I'm going to rape that oversized cleaner??? Makes me laugh. Emailed Mrs Sanction, my mother. Told her that I'm on a UN mission to Pakistan. She'll believe me. Spent most of the last hour wasting my time on internet bulletin boards since it is so difficult to get some good debate in here. Still, its a fairly liberal prison, and I'm being looked after very well until the date of my trial. If I'm actually convicted I will be moved somewhere else. But that won't happen. The Student Union needs me.
Matthew 1:29 AM
Sunday, November 18, 2001
Wow. I hadn't had a traditional English breakfast in months. But this morning, whilst detained at Her Majesty's Pleasure, I enjoyed two sausages, two rashers of bacon, egg, beans, tomato and toast. Not bad at all. Played some footy with the lads this morning. There's some real wasted talent in here. Scotty should be playing for United! Yeah, its alright in here. Wednesday and Thursdays we get beer. Robbie next door keeps playing that great Eric Clapton MTV Unplugged album which is great. There are lots of blacks here but I get on fine with them, in fact i'm probably more of an animal than they are!
wish you were here
Dave Sanction
Matthew 2:08 PM
Saturday, November 17, 2001
Its alright in here really...great lads, love the beer and with great page threes on the wall and all. I'm sharing a cell with the star of a film that is being shot about an ex-boxer, wrongly convicted for IRA terrorism. I'm playing his wise sidekick.
Matthew 12:47 PM
Friday, November 16, 2001
I am on one of the prison computers. I arrived here at around lunchtime. I will hopefully appear in court in a few days time to prove my innocence. This is a low security prison for people who are accused of serious crimes but obviously didn't committ them! I will not be here for long, I assure you.
DS
Matthew 9:19 PM
"Sanction to evoke rape-exemption clause"
"Utterly fictional "responsibility-reducer" article unlikely to save his skin"
Matthew 3:44 PM
From Newswire
Dave Sanction Jailed!
West Midlands police have confirmed that at 10.14am this morning, Dave Sanction was arrested and put behind bars. It is expected today's events are linked to last Saturday night, when Sanction was discovered bruised and tied to a lamppost in Earlsdon, Coventry. At first it was assumed that Dave Sanction had been the victim of rape, but in recent days new evidence has suggested that in fact Sanction had attempted to commit the rape himself, and his targets were able to fight back and restrain him.
More news to follow...
Matthew 3:41 PM
Thursday, November 15, 2001
Firstly let me dispell some nasty rumours. I am not in hiding, as the Daily Star have suggested. I am currently sipping from a pint glass full of beer on my favourite chair in the Sanction Manction. I am enjoying a wonderful life and am looking to do some campaigning down the Union this Saturday. I do not fear Radio Warwick and the Warwick Boar, the twin propaganda machines of the evil pre-Sanction Student Union Empire. They can threaten me all they want but at the end of the day their threats will be hollow because I WILL BE the next president, with or without a conviction for rape.
Matthew 7:15 PM
Tuesday, November 13, 2001
From MegaCelebrity.com
New edition of Heat! magazine available in three different Sanction Rape! covers.
Customers can expect to see Triple Sanction when they browse the news stands this week, since Heat! magazine will be printing three collectable covers, to mark the possible rape of/by Dave Sanction. It is hoped that readers will purchase the magazine according to what they personally believe happened in Coventry on Saturday night, although Heat! admit that they do not expect a 'scientific' poll to be conducted since "Sancmaniacs and community leaders" were likely to buy all three.
Details are as follows.
Cover 1 - "Who Raped Dave Sanction?" in big letters with Sanction grinning in background.
Cover 2 - "Who did Dave Sanction Rape?" in big letters with Sanction grinning in background.
Cover 3 - "Was Dave Sanction involved in Rape?" in big letters with Sanction grinning in background.
At least two of the three covers are expected to be highly collectible in a few years time, similar to the "Gore defeats Bush" late edition newspapers printed in some US cities at the time of the Florida recount last year.
Matthew 5:35 PM
Dave Sanction Issue Definitive Rape Statement; "All That You Have Read is True"
Matthew 1:42 PM
Coventry Evening Post report
West Midlands police chief says "We're close to cracking the American Airlines New York crash case, but the Sanction rape mystery leaves us very confused"
Ted Augent, the head of the West Midlands police (Violent Crime branch) has admitted that his force have no idea of what actually happened in the Sanction rape case. His confession comes soon after a local student, a Miss Jennifer Hallsworthy, contacted the local police force to suggest that it was actually Dave Sanction who tried to do the raping. She claimed that the three girls manage to confine him by tying him to a tree with an elastic strap, and by gagging his mouth with a hairband and staples.
Her evidence was immediately countered by the Gay Liberation Action Directive (GLAD), who claimed that three of their male members raped Mr Sanction to "liberate him of his unnatural heterosexuality". The message, sent to the local police in a known GLAD code, contained the threatening declaration that "...we will continue to rape Mr Sanction until he abandons his homophobic election policies and the damn coward comes out of his closet."
Meanwhile, the West Midlands police force have been confused by all the conflicting evidence, and due to 'brain hurtings' have taken the day off choosing to watch the television reports of the plane crash in New York. "The lads have been debating this all day, and we've come to the conclusion that it was a mechanical error on the plane", stated Mr Augent, "but as for the Sanction rape case, we haven't got a fucking clue."
Matthew 12:51 AM
Monday, November 12, 2001
From Associated Press
Sanction denies being victim of rape, admits being "victim of three busty blonde virgins"
Dave Sanction has adamently denied that he was the victim of a brutal rape on Saturday night, claiming that at the time of the alleged incident he was "entertaining three busty blonde virgins at the Sanction Manction" and that he only tied himself to a tree and gagged himself because he was "using physical metaphors to demonstrate to these three ladies the importance of my first noble truth."
He refutes claims that he was forced to engage in an act of gay sex claiming that he 'has no access points" for such an incident to take place. If Dave Sanction did fake his own rape as a publicity stunt it wouldn't be the first time he attempted such a stunt - in 1998 he hit fellow University of Warwick student union presidential candidate Martin Biggs in the face, making the front cover of the Student Union and raising his profile dramatically.
Matthew 4:57 PM
"Dave Sanction Back Tracks on Rape Denial"
"It was a metaphor" he says "to introduce my first noble truth- Life is Rape".
Matthew 2:20 PM
Raped! Me? Yeh right. Another dirty trick to cast negative aspertions. Why this cannot be true;
1) I am unrapable. I am so far from being gay that I have no access points. It is physically impossible to force anything into any of my holes. The assault-cock would swerve away to the air beside my thighs.
2)Murdochy is a bud and Reuters is firstly pro-sanction and secondly a newswire.
Matthew 9:28 AM
Sunday, November 11, 2001
From Reuters celebrity newsdesk
Dave Sanction Raped!
Uncomfirmed reports suggest that University of Warwick presidential candidate Dave Sanction was brutally beaten and raped in the Coventry suburb of Earlsdon at around 8pm last night. Sanction newsfeed confirmed that an "incident of an unpleasant nature had occured" but would not report any further details. However, reports from Warwickshire County Police state that a man of "Sanction proportions" was untied from a tree, ungagged, and taken into immediate care.
Matthew 11:22 PM
Thursday, November 08, 2001
Thats more like it! Proper news! As if i'd condescend to ruffle a pleb. Case dismissed your honour!
DS
Matthew 11:39 AM
Wednesday, November 07, 2001
From the garish cover of Nods Winks And Glances - "your weekly digest of preliminary celebrity contacts"
"Dave Sanction gives Geri Halliwell "the look" at cancerous dog benefit diner - but will it lead to mutual gential swallowing? - eight page editorial thesis"
Matthew 9:02 PM
Official Statement from Sanction H.Q
Dave Sanction would like to personally confirm that he had nothing to do the previous posting on this website. He believes that it was posted by Student Union employed hackers to discredit his Presidential campaign.
Mr Sanction reacted angrily to a statement by Miss J Hallsworthy, who claimed that Mr Sanction lifted up her skirt with one hand against her will, and proceeded to spill his pint of beer over her breasts with the other hand, claiming that "once again the Student Union dirty tricks machine has gone into overdrive."
Dave Sanction is currently locked in negotiations with Blogger.com over the possibility of having the post removed.
DSHQ
Matthew 7:19 PM
Yeah!!!! Whoo!!! I'm totally pissed, absolutely hammered right off my face on booze. Went down the union with the lads tonight. Took a peek down some girls skirt. Spilled a pint of beer on some girls tits by accident. Yeah.... my head hurts.... saw some lesbos snogging. drank 8 pints tonight... i'm a man..!! yeah
i'm dying for a fuck. christ. if only that fit lesbo was in the manction... need to vomit... bye
Matthew 1:16 AM
Tuesday, November 06, 2001
Email to Smokie interpreted by Soft Rock Standards Council
Alright mates!
Dave Sanction here. Your number one fan. I own all your records. I have so much money that I have even employed sound-a-like bands to make records that I've written sound like you! I'd love you to play a gig in the Sanction Manction, my house in the midlands. I won't offer you any money but I'm running to be President at the University of Warwick student union and (hint hint) I'm sure I can find you a few Marys (virgins) to keep you all happy.
Yours,
Dave Sanction
Matthew 1:08 PM
Monday, November 05, 2001
Fooled you! Unbelievable! Year after year people forget to look out for the Annual Dave Sanction Fireworks Day Joke (AnnDavSanFirDayJok) You'll all be stumbling back into your homes wondering if perhaps you went to the wrong pub. Fooled you! I did NOT even go to the Rat and Parrot pub tonight. I sat in the Sanction Manction laughing away whilst you pleaded to the barman "where is Mr Sanction?".
PLUS - it is a double joke! I am not really Bin Laden, Bush, WTC, Israel etc. It was all part of my joke. Fooled you all!!!! Who knows what I'll do next! This is not to say that I should not be taken seriously. I make jokes on one designated day of the year precisely so that people take me very seriously at all other times. Although give me a couple of beers down the ol' union bar and I'll tell you stories that will bring hilarious tears to your eyes. I'm a funny man, but I'm no joker. I'm good at chess, but I'm no political pawn. I enjoy my football, but I'm no David Beckham (I'm more a Neil Webb style player). I'm the leader of an organised religion, but I'm no Jesus.
I'm Dave Sanction.
Matthew 8:48 PM
Alright?? Sanction here, actually doing the typing, for some exclusive news "from the horse's mouth." There has been much speculation concerning the extent of my role in the War on Terrorism. In a statement exclusive to this site let me concede that I am behind everything. Everything. The whole lot. I am George W Bush. I am Osama Bin Laden. I am the Northern Alliance. I am the World Trade Center. I am the Anthrax attacks. I am the Muslims. I am the Christians. I am the state of Israel. I am the oppressed Palestinian peoples.
I am Dave Sanction. And due to the unexpected gravity of this announcement I will be holding a press conference at the Rat and Parrot pub in Royal Leamington Spa at 8pm tonight to explain matters further.
DS
Matthew 5:18 PM
"Sanction Condescends to First Hand Blogger Posting"
"Will post a diary-style entry and not rely on global media to plot his movements"
"preceeds the launch of Sanction Web- a subscription service, weekly tossing forth direct-experiance info-nugets and sedating the scurrying hoards"
Matthew 2:10 PM
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