Monday, December 24, 2001
I've been given a wonderful Sancmas present this year. I found Julia slump-drunk in the corner of The Parrot and Pie two weeks ago, and since then it has been non-stop sex with her! She's a fantastic girl. Big blonde breasts. Likes a drink. Always smiling. Fuck the Queen's Sancmas speech, I'll be enjoying Julia's Sancmas teeth (wrapped round my cock)
But enough about my life...
MERRY SANCMAS TO YOU ALL
DS
Matthew 9:03 PM
Thursday, December 13, 2001
new from the "Sanction Silk Collection" - adult entertainment for the emotionally stunted.
Polly Filler - "no gap too small"
witness an insane cock count (but hetrosexually) as polly takes a cock between each finger and toe in an utterly improbable group sess.
Matthew 10:15 AM
Wednesday, December 12, 2001
From Reuters
Sanction planning to adopt Romanian orphan child.
Celebrity favourite Dave Sanction has announced plans to adopt a Romanian orphan for Christmas. The child, Davoghe Sancescu, is currently sitting in a big red package, that Sanction will open after reciting the Dave Sanction's Christmas Speech to his followers, on Christmas Day at 15.10 hours.
It is currently unknown why Sanction has chosen to adopt the child.
Matthew 10:51 PM
Monday, December 10, 2001
on SancTV - a night of fundraising fun - "Sanction In Need"
Causes include;
Warwick Buy-off Guarantee - Sanction Resarch Corp have estimated that a bung of some 100 pounds should be sufficent to allay any other candidates noble motivations.
Lets help the wretched! - Sanction's humanatarian programme - all money goes towards establishing Sanction Churches in deprived areas and rerouting all water supplies to a tap locked within.
entertainment includes;
Osama Bin Laughter - Dave Sanctions new comedy creation is not afraid to utterly rip apart his cultural background- with a level of racism made acceptable by the current climate. Example; "you know our women are all covered up?...its a bit of a lucky dip...you never know what your going to get...all the lads pray to alllah that they are the one who will have a Pamala Anderson...its always another f---ing [censored]".
Miscarriage!- Gungy gameshow where pubescent boys rush around collecting fried-egg sized embryos from hemoraging [sic] latex virginas. The winner then has to climb up a mock birth apparatus and chip a trapped egg from a folopian [utterly sic.] tube with a pick axe - but hurry! if you take to long the egg will swell and the whole thing will explode! If successful, the winner will recieve a placement at a doctors surgery as "specialist cleaner" - employed to dive around and keep the floor clean. Hosted by Germaine Greer. [disclaimer- this piece of entertainment was commisioned before the countess of wessex's tragic birth trouble - considering here status as unpopular royal, Sanction has decided to run with it, splicing her face into the intro]
Poignent footage includes;
Dave Cam - sanction vists afganistan, iraq, nazi germany et al and a face cam records all of his responses to the stuff he sees - shrugs, flirtations all captured on tape.
Sanctsu Rememberes- home video footage of sanction with bear pal.
Matthew 9:23 AM
Saturday, December 08, 2001
The News- "Dave Sanction "Jesus head up arse" comment causes massive religous uproar"
Matthew 4:14 PM
Friday, December 07, 2001
Sanction launches 10 step christmas conversion programme (and some rationales)
Dave Sanction, in a press release to everyone, has outlined a strategy ("valid from the smallest family to the largest mego-corp") to convert this year's festivities towarss Sanction-orienrtation.
He justified it thus;
*Sanction has better clothes than jesus.
*The Virgin Mary vs The Freasian Mary - Sanction argues that Jesus' Mary's virginity was never proven and appeals to common sense - "come on lads how many times have you been led on as such only to find out the "gaping gulf" between promise and reality". He also doubts wether virginity is any kind of virtue- "where's the partying, the romance?". He considers his mother as altogether more praise worthy due to the "quirky pub-talk" qualities of being a cow.
*Sanction appeals to the out-of-dateness of Christ's teaching- claiming the spiritual life has progressed hand in hand with that of major label soft rock; "would Jesus be a Smokie fan I ask myself? No I reply to myself, hes to up his arse to consider that anyone else may have some answers. He would definitly not worship me."
Matthew 10:17 AM
Thursday, December 06, 2001
I spent the whole night dreaming about Sanction United Football Club. The team doesn't currently exist, but today I'll contact a few old mates in the industry and discover whether or not there is a possibility of getting my dream become reality. This wouldn't be some two-bit Neil Webb showcase on a playing field in Solihull, I'd want to be competing with the Manchester Uniteds, the Inter Milans and the Bayern Munichs on an immediate basis. Give me a week.....
DS
Matthew 9:58 AM
Wednesday, December 05, 2001
Alright? Been down the student union all afternoon buying beer for the lads and wine coolers for the ladies. Had a really good afternoon, told a few anecdotes about my car crash in Switzerland and some other funny stories. People sometimes suggest that the women of the University of Warwick are not particularly attractive, you know, too many nerds, too many glasses wearing types, too many foreign students...... This may well be the case, but there are still enough busty blondes to go round!
Met one this afternoon, although her huge breasts were partially obscured by the rubbery flaps of fat which dangled like tractor tyres from her lower chin down to her upper vaginal area. She was looking at me, smiling sluttishly, all afternoon. I had a long-term relationship with an extremely fat girl once (the ex-communications officer, Sherry Al-Ealah), and I wouldn't want to put my regions under such a monumental strain ever again. My renowned "Cock of Steel" could move mountains if I wanted it too, but I'm not sure whether or not it could survive another attack from Sherry Al-Titzilla or the Student Union Girl the ABOSOMable Snowman!!
DS
Matthew 6:15 PM
Monday, December 03, 2001
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Matthew 9:15 AM
Sunday, December 02, 2001
from The Sunday Sport
"Angry Dave Sanction Accusses Warwick Student Union of infecting George Harrison with cancer"
"My scars and resurrection are the news" he proclaimed, as a direct challenge to the legitamacy of the "Waricko-Hariso blanket coverage". He went on to attempt to undermine George Harrisons status as celebrity - seemingly confusing him with a combination of Harrison Ford and George Orwell (who he in turn confused with a pornographer); "that stunt he pulled jumping off the outflow pipe was well good, but to be honest he hasn't shot a good porno since Animal Farm". Dispite his wrath, he still managed to pose for this photo with the lovely Tara, pulling a goonish expression belying his internal anguish.
Matthew 12:25 PM
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