Thursday, January 31, 2002
No change in Sanction condition since Monday, doctors announce.
Dave Sanction, in his entirety, has been in a state of permanent status quo since Monday afternoon, when his ego was discovered lurking in his right elbow. Since that revelation, absolutely nothing of any note has happened at all.
Journalists cite the recent lack of activity for the recent lack of updates of his condition in the media.
Matthew 11:57 PM
Monday, January 28, 2002
from Science Today
"Dave Sanction Ego-Clot Brand New Thing"
Dave Sanction's Ego - thought disappeared - has been located in the elbow of his right arm. Doctors got suspicous when the said limb started to get uppity and elevating itself involutarily above Sanctions head. It has also claimed unspeakable privaleges for itself - declaring itself a republic and raising an army of ants which patrol its perimeter. It has also converted all below - forearm and hand - into a trunk-like penis. Doctors are planning to connect some tubing from brain to elbow and wisper nicities in an attempt to draw it out and return it to its home.
Matthew 11:17 AM
Saturday, January 26, 2002
From the Weekly World News
Dave Sanction in unprecedented 30 second ego boost of massive proportions!
Dave Sanction stunned fellow patients on Friday as he suddenly became an egomaniac again, for a spell of about thirty seconds.
In a speech that made Mohammed Ali look like a frail old lady, Sanction danced around the room, hopping from one hospital bed to another whilst waving his hands around frantically in the air.
He told patients that "my EGO has gone to GOD which is only one letter away from an anagram of EGO, the missing letter is the LETTER 'D' from the word DAVE, of the name DAVE SANCTION." An bystander then threw Sanction a plastic football which he kicked straight out the window and into the top left corner of the goal at Loftus Road, a full two miles away. He rushed across the ward to 96 year old Mavis Strong and cured her cancer by stroking her chin. Finally he broke the long-jump world record by leaping just over nine metres into the sandpit in the creche provided for brain damaged children.
Then Sanction returned to his bed and mumbled the words 'that's how I used to be', before nurses helped him into his wheelchair and pushed him to the toilets. After his shit, nurses wiped his bottom and cleaned the toilet seat on which he left urine.
Matthew 4:35 PM
Wednesday, January 23, 2002
From the Daily Sport
"Here w-ego Here w-ego Here w-ego."
Sanction to try out life as a top paid soccer star in attempt to win back ego.
Matthew 8:14 PM
Sanction Walks to Bathroom with Aid of Nurses - improvements very noticible say hospital staff.
Dave Sanction then returned from the bathroom, still heavily aided, and told reporters of his decision not to travel to Switzerland for an ego transplant. He explained "I was in a car crash there last year which should have taken my life. I wish it had taken my life, the world would have been better off without me. I couldn't bear travel back to the country that cheated the people of the world my hopeless and pointless death."
Sanction's friend, and interim leader of the Church of Sanction, The Rev. Andrew Utter, told reporters that there were signs that the Dave Sanction of old was on the way back. "He has shown an enormous appetite for beer recently, sometimes drinking seven or eight cans in one sitting."
His preferred brand of beer is CARLING.
Matthew 4:52 PM
Tuesday, January 22, 2002
press release from Double Hard Trouble records
"the size of my tears" ego-sadness collaboration between DS and DS (Dave Sanction, Dave Stewart)
"as part of his ego-reconsititution programme Sanction has joined forces with fellow sufferer Dave Stewart for this haunting duet....
[more to follow]
Matthew 10:39 AM
Thursday, January 17, 2002
Dave Sanction enrolls on 12 step ego reconstitution programme...
1) Drag Yourself From Out Of The Debris - tatoo your name on your penis and worship a primative idol.
2) Develop A Group Ego - 1 week on the road with Crazy Town.
3) Detatch Your Ego Into Its Rightful Self-Box - 24 hours in the Mirror Vault - inescapable projections of your wonder at every turn.
4) Talk About Your Ego-trouble to Global Media - the first of several "express your weakness back toward a healthy narcisim" steps.
5) Sing About Your Ego-Trouble and Shift Millions of Units - see Robbie Williams' "singin' the blues" direction.
6) Take All Of The Worlds Suffering Within Your Heart - know you have all the insights into everything
7)Stick to a strict masturbation schedule
8)
9)
10)
11)
12)
the last steps do not apply as you have all the ansewrs anyway to pretty much everything as it is.
Matthew 10:34 AM
Wednesday, January 16, 2002
Dave Sanction is to spend eight weeks playing tamborines for the Jesus Army after he is released from hospital. As part of the arrangement, Mr Sanction will receive basic food and board along with spiritual guidance and some towels. He has already agreed to shave his head but will also be expected to give up alcohol, drugs and sexual intercourse.
When asked about the situation Mr Sanction looked up from his hospital meal and declared that he was surprised that anybody would want to have him around at all.
Matthew 5:33 PM
Tuesday, January 15, 2002
From CNN.com
Sony pulls plug on Dave Sanction computer game. Originally scheduled for a May release on the Playstation, "Sanction's Great Adventure", aimed for 7-11 year old kids, has been scrapped due to Sanction's massive loss of status since his ego burst.
Director of Sales, Kazu Mitoshi, told reporters that "two weeks ago we would have expected Sanction's Great Adventure to become the biggest selling video game of our time. However, since Sanction's ego burst, we would be lucky to shift more than five or six units. Not five or six hundred thousand units. Five or six units. His name is a log turd sinking in the sewer"
Dave Sanction is still likely to recieve at least a $14 million payout from the initial deal.
Matthew 11:30 PM
Monday, January 14, 2002
Dave Sanction impotent! Penile erection rendered impossible with zero-ego. Mixed reaction from the ladies.
Matthew 1:43 PM
Oh Autumn! Dave Sanction worships the season of decay.
Matthew 11:55 AM
Saturday, January 12, 2002
University of Warwick Student Union deny any wrongdoing.
"He did it to himself", claimed Students with Disabilities Campaign Convener Suzanne Kenner. Her view was echoed by Jai Breitnauer, the Student Services and Communications Officer, who too told reporters that "he did it to himself."
They were responding to allegations that Mr Sanction was severely drugged whilst eating his traditional Thursday afternoon meal in the Cooler diner, in order to discredit his Presidential campaign.
When pressed for comments on the situation, Mr Sanction, resembling a flaky brown leaf in the late autumn, simply mumbled something incomprehensible about a childhood field.
Matthew 2:41 PM
shell-of-a-man Sanction speaks of childhood field
...report to follow
Matthew 12:12 PM
Friday, January 11, 2002
From Reuters
Doctors outline Sanction's condition to huge wide-eyed crowds at press conference.
"Mr Sanction has suffered a collapsed ego on a massive scale of one hundred percent total damage. His injuries are believed to have been caused primarily by excessive success and his inability to cope with his own brilliance, although doctors have also suggested that his extraordinarily fertility has probably taken a toll on his mind, the part of the body that affects the ego the most."
Dave Sanction is likely to be shipped to Switzerland next week where he will undergo ERT (ego replacement therapy) His collapsed ego will be ideallly be replaced by one that previously belonged to a man who died at some sort of peak. One possible ego-donor is Zurich financier George Zwoll, who died last week at the age of 87, whilst making passionate love to Chinese-American teen model Samantha Xu, 14.
Matthew 1:44 PM
Thursday, January 10, 2002
Dave Sanction hospitalised!
"Star Suffering From Total Ego Collapse"
Former confidently spoken mantra; "All things are unto myself" becomes a pathetically slurred "All things undo myself". He is collapsed man - a boneless body.
Matthew 1:58 PM
Monday, January 07, 2002
sanction sorrow statement....
I am very sorrowful. I hate projecting the front I do (pornograhpy, celebrity). Its all a lie. I am sorrow.
Matthew 8:05 PM
Saturday, January 05, 2002
Dave Sanction "Silk Collection" present www.cock2holeratio.com
Got a favourite equation you would like to see acted out in sex? Enter your sum and our on stand-by team of math graduates/porn stars will bestow. Launched in association with www.homeworkhelp.com.
Matthew 4:32 PM
Was spotted by TVs Jonathan Ross on the way to university today. He pretended not to notice me but his sudden fidgeting and sweating gave the game away. He didn't have the guts to walk up and speak to me. He just continued walking down the street occasionally turning his head to confirm what he had just seen.
DS
Matthew 1:15 PM
Thursday, January 03, 2002
new year's eve review
18:00 down the students union with my campaign team and a bevy of beauties - intake 3 pints of bitter
19:00 over to the cruise/cruz's for a private prayer meeting (them toward me) and cocktails - intake 2 cocktails, output one scrotum-load.
20:00 Lou Reeds "Big Cat Prostitute Party" with the Strokes, Kate Moss et al - intake two shots of heroin via a syringe-toothed tigeress.
21:00 Romantic tussel with my "regular" girlfriend the lumpen-mary in a dingy warwick corner - output one scrotum-load.
22:00 Lead church service/Rock In the New Year light show - output - much spoken truth, input - many souls
23:00 Elton Johns "Hallabaulou-baboon" - mix with TV glamour girls - do great imitation of that thing what that guy does thats funny off that TV show what we all watch - input - bottled beer
0:00 Telaport between all my levels in strobe like rapidity to finish
Matthew 10:49 AM
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