Tuesday, September 24, 2002
New 6-part BBC series -
"Dave Sanction the Social Documentarian Investigates"
Week 1
Join Dave Sanction as he attends a Breast Cancer Awareness rally in Washington D.C. Using a hidden camera to demonstrate the perverse nature of modern human, he crosses out the word "cancer" on his "Breast Cancer Awareness" ribbon using a big black marker pen, lets his dick hang out of his trouser-hole like a kanga caressing a Joey, and then proceeds to walk a mile through the centre of D.C with 10,000 pre or post-lump women, groping their titties and saying softly "I understand your pain."
Week 2
Join Dave Sanction in a hilarious, touching and enlightning conversation with Dick "The Dick" Dirby, owner of the world's biggest penis. Their conversation is largely anecdotal, comparative and self-referential, but ends on a rather shocking note when Dirby is informed via a phonecall that his wife has just been killed in a train crash.
Week 3
Join Dave Sanction as he attempts to answer that King Question of the Question World, namely; are gays more likely to score with women. Dave Sanction and his less attractive friend Brian take to the street with two different chat-up lines to see which one pays off the highest dividents. Day one - and the chat-up line is decidedly heterosexual - "alright ladies, fancy a bit a male meat, a spot of the ol' hetero-humping". Day two and Sanction and his friend don some orange lipstick and fagrags - "alright ladies, ever done it with a Gay?".
Week 4
Join Dave Sanction as he walks across Africa barefoot, asking the natives exactly what they are doing to stem the problem of modern-day racism.
Week 5
Join Dave Sanction as he spends six years documenting the life of Jose Charez a.k.a "The Peruvian Monkey Boy" - born with a furry tail and a little brown head. Admire Dave Sanction's documentarian longievity as he comes to the fascinating conclusion that Charez is an abnormality and should be shot in the head.
Week 6
Join Dave Sanction in the Sydney Zoo for the pilot of another possible six-part series entitiled "Them Animals- What Do They Think About The Issues That Matter". This week Dave Sanction spends four hours in lively debate with a mother hippo concerning the Israeli-Palestinian crisis.
WATCH "Dave Sanction the Social Documentarian Investigates" - NEXT WEEK!!!
Matthew 11:05 AM
Monday, September 23, 2002
From MusicBuzz
"Paul McCartney may have been 5th Beatle", claims former Beatle Dave Sanction.
Matthew 2:31 PM
Sunday, September 22, 2002
The Tower Twins The Movie to rival The Road to Perdition as hard wrought male trial and redemption story.
Matthew 11:00 AM
McDonalds launch the McSanc
* twelve inch sausage with attached pork ball parcels deleivered in a designer-denim zip up bag. The designer? Sergio Sanctio
* meat so hard as to break teeth upon biting. Sanction safety campaign advises consumers to "suck it".
* to replace simple hamburger as key component in Happy Meal.
Matthew 10:39 AM
"The Tower Twins" Phenomenon by Roger Cook (exerpt)
...the show
focuses on the lifes of brothers Chuck and Paul Tower, who also live in a tower, and in each episode find themselves in situation whereby they "collapse" in someway. In the first edition - aired yestaday - the twins had to cope with "the blues" as their respective crushes jilted them. In subsequent installments the boys will have to cope with the "impact" to their respective "Tower-lives" from forces as disperate as cancer, mind blowing philosophy and the no-sanction-posiibility. Sanction explained that while many - as a result of September 11th - felt nameless horror or Species shame "or whatever" - he felt "that the terrorists had gone someway to realising a metaphor worthy of my life". He expounded "sometimes, ya know, i feel collapsed as those towers - really sad like. What those guys failed to realise is that this is only a mometary thing to be fixed up with some beer or girls or something...i remember thinking yeah guys nice start but your only half there". The series is Sanction's attempt to "complete the picture through arts and laughs". Hence, in last nights episode the brothers love losses were made good as they both nailed a couple of models who were far nicer than their original pair. Indeed, throughout the series this seems to be the reliable route out of what Sanction calls "the blues" - beer and fit-girl-fucking. "What Im tryin to say is yo get back in da game dogg" explained Sanction. Many of the shows more laugh loaded moments come when the Twins meet their muslem neigbour - the improbably named Majohnny 's Albiggie - on the landing outside their flats. Majohnny's extremely ingratiating to the Towers - sweeping the dust from the carpet so "me friends american can ave a clean gettaway" - but in private curses their existence and plans to "unleash a thousand deaths upon them". Many liberals have complained that this extreme two-faces this character exhibits will only add to the climate of mistrust and fear. For Sanction, however, once an Asian, always an Al Quida; "if the beard fits..."
Matthew 9:49 AM
Saturday, September 21, 2002
Revealed by Hot Fuck International Gossip Wire Network 2450!
"The Tower Twins, Chuck and Paul, have Got Sanc too!"
Matthew 3:53 PM
From PostElectro-Garb.
Dave Sanction to travel to New York City's "Healathon" festival.
"Touch me and you will heal", Sanction sez.
Matthew 3:51 PM
"I GOT SANC" says the teenage girls of the world via their tight leather T-shirts.
"HE GOT SANC" says African-American movie director Spiker Lee in new blockbuster black moviette "He Got Sanc"
6,000,000 "I GOT SANC" (rhymes more with 'branch' than 'bank') t-shirts dropped on Iraq.
"SHE GOT SANC" t-shirts worn by yo fat mamma in da hood.
HAVE YOU GOT SANC?
Matthew 3:48 PM
Sanction produced sit-com "The Tower Twins" is hearlded as "totally now"
Matthew 1:22 PM
Friday, September 20, 2002
Sanction Beds Nieghbour's Daughter
* Women's groups express outragous jealousy.
* Suzanne Smith, 10, supplants Virgin Mary, J-lo as feminine ideal.
* Peadophiles hope pervy pass time will be upgraded to sacred status.
Matthew 7:21 PM
Thursday, September 19, 2002
Chinese declare the year 2003 and "all those thereafter" to be "The years of the Sanc".
*modernised fable to hearld Sanctions clear victory over the scummy animal kingdom.
* rats, horses, monkeys humilated by Sanction's fast legs
*wins animal race so clearly organizers okay it for him to eat his competitors in iconic "Feast of the Fools" parable.
*Chinese to formally sign over their rights to measure their own time on Thursday.
Matthew 8:26 AM
Sunday, September 15, 2002
From Modernitation.org
Sanction to temporarily convert self to automobile for 2004 World Technology Expo.
Sanction to be capable of top speeds of 260 mph. Sleek and sexy too.
Matthew 6:35 AM
Wednesday, September 04, 2002
Sanction speaks of his pride as his charges The Sanckes take over
"i know them all - they're great" said Sanction, decked out in ridiculous hipwear, "the drummer Fad, the singer Julian Gonewiththewinds and the lovely female bassist Nicola - and the father and son guitar duo, Albert sr and jr, prove you're never too old to rock 'n roll and pass down vital information".
Matthew 10:58 AM
/// ///
|
|
|