Wednesday, December 03, 2003
Sanc TV announce christmas schedule
6:00 - 10:00 AM Sanction's Sackload For Kids
A garish mix of one-off christmassy cartoons, gungings and hyper-pop.
10:00 - 12:00 Sanction's Christmas Presents - Low-budget reworking of the former Noel-Edmunds-as-jesus vehicle. Sanction wisks a group of retarded children off to meet Santa at Milton Keynes shopping centre, followed by a fun hour on the snow-slope (for those who can afford it). Sanction buys a Pensioner one of those discount phone cards so he can enjoy a twenty minute call with his half brother in Australia. Sanction vists the children's ward at Newcastle General and presents each kid with a kiss, handshake and signed photo.
12:00 - 1:00
Sanction's Speech - The usual incoherant rambling about nothing in particular, delivered with a shocking lack of perspective as to its importance.
1:00 - 10:00 I love Sanction!
Celebrity talking head soundbites.
10:00 - Close Sanction's Stockingload For Adults
Featuring... Stuck In Mrs Claus' Chimney, Ruldoph the Red Knobbed Blackman, Santa's Little Yelpers, Angel On Top Of The Me, Settling Brown for the Family Christmas Rimmer, The Queen's Peach, Only Girls and Horses.
Matthew 3:38 PM
Sunday, November 23, 2003
Dave Sanction announces Grand Opening of new internet site.
Fully-Clothed-Nudes.org
... set to launch next Tuesday.
Matthew 6:46 PM
Thursday, November 20, 2003
sanction manction raided!
- police find indecent child.
- Sanction passes buck Jackson-ward.
- "yep, ok" is how it ended.
Matthew 2:23 AM
Saturday, November 15, 2003
Dave Sanction calls for changes in the law.
"Let me drink-up, smoke-ass, cock-out, grope-tit, vamp-dress, tramp-down, wank-rape, torture-shower, fiddle-flick, perv-stare, klepto-fascise, bio-goggle, klap-trap, vibro-dil, nonce-nozzle, shit-stuff, sperm-wine, bazooka-charm, negro-fry, beach-volleyball, granny-strangle, cunt-handshake, necro-crucify and lesbo-capitulate legally from now onwards", demands Student Union Presidential candidate.
Matthew 9:39 PM
Monday, October 27, 2003
ITV commision "What's the Score Sanction?"
radical and contrived new football scores service in which top pundit Andy Townsend has to repeatedly question host Dave Sanction in order to glean goal and incident news . A spoken vidiprinter if you like.
Matthew 9:51 PM
Thursday, October 09, 2003
Dave Sanction Denies Rumours Of Suicide By Calling Press Conference and Slitting Own Throat. (Reuters)
Matthew 4:08 PM
Thursday, April 10, 2003
Dave Sanction's Penis Visible From Moon, Queen Says.
Matthew 8:30 PM
Wednesday, March 12, 2003
Sanction Club-feed
<12:45 12/3/03>
Join Dave Sanction's "Well Into Pussy" Club!
Join Dave Sanction's "Too Much Gay on TV" Club!
Join Dave Sanction's "Lets Spend The Iraq Money On Sending the Immigrants Back" Club !
Join Dave Sanction's "Decent Cocks in Public" Club!
Join Dave Sanction's "Skool Daze" Club!
Join Dave Sanction's "I Am a Fit Girl" Club!
New clubs generated 24/7 at www.everyoneismorevitalthantheolympicbid.com
Matthew 12:47 PM
Thursday, March 06, 2003
Dave Sanction’s Television Review
Living With Michael Jackson, A Martin Bashir Interview with the King of Pop, On ITV 1
Lack ‘O Blacko (Wacko Jacko aka Michael Jackson) and I have led surprisingly similar lives. As children we were both beaten and molested by our fathers. We were both born with unique talents, him – popular music and dance, and Sanction – dignity and valour. We have both been falsely accused of rape. Lack ‘O was accused of finger-fetching an eleven year old boy. I was falsely accused of sexually assaulting three schoolgirls, and in a separate incident, presenter John Leslie.
The media has unfairly hounded us both. We’ve never known anything other than super-stardom. Lack ‘O was a multi-millionstar by the age of ten. I was born through the Messianic tunnel. We both have had giant golden statues erected in celebration of our form. Both of us suffer from rare skin conditions. His skin turns from black to white. My skin cannot be pierced, penetrated or scarred.
As lead singer of the Sanction 5 I had over ninety number one hits in forty nations. He made his name as the squeaky voiced African singing with his bro’s. We have both had children with whom our relationships are uneasy. Dave Sanction Jr wears a John Malkovich mask (received at a screening of Being John Malkovich at the University of Warwick Arts Centre) at all times. Lack ‘O’s children wear little multi-coloured feathered masks to protect their identity.
We both suffered children with overweight publicity whores, whom we have both since part company with. Debbie Rowe, we know now, was a surrogate mother for Lack ‘O’s children. I screwed Sherri in order to become President of the Student Union, and our baby almost got lost in her belly. Both women were merely accessories to our courage and careers.
Both Lack ‘O and Dave Sanction have had famous pets. I owned, and loved, Sanctsu the Panda. Lack ‘O owned Bubbles, a pet chimpanzee. Both animals were Chinese. Both pets died under suspicious circumstances. Lack ‘O was accused of choking his monkey, and Beijing accused me of deliberately starving the Panda to avenge the massacre of 13,000 Church of Sanction worshippers in Shanghai. The truth is that the tabloids killed both pets.
We’ve both had plastic surgery; me on my cock (to make it smaller, more manageable), him on everything. Lack ‘O appeared in the motion picture "Moonwalker". I appeared in the classic "Sanction Rides Again" and am currently making "Sanction Rides Again, Again".
We are both friends with the magician Uri Geller. We are both planning to Live Forever.
Martin Kashmir (‘Kashmir’ since he resembles the India/Pakistan border, and is just as aggressive) hassled Lack ‘O in such a way that reminded me of the way Terry Wogan treated me on my 1994 BBC1 chat show appearance. Terry "Sulk Hogan" (alcoholic, tubby, Irish, not a wrestler) Wogan treated me like the Son of God backstage, but then lampooned me as soon as the camera began rolling. He’d been on the vodka-gin, and was drunk as a girl, the daft old Murphy.
Anyway, Kashmir chided Lack ’O for his ongoing love affairs with young boys. Well, it would be dishonest of me to claim that the scene featuring Wacko’s arm around that young lad didn’t pull my paedophilic muscle. In fact, on several occasions I’ve been with young Mexican boys myself. Come round to my bathroom and I’ll show you a veritable shanty-town of willing young Latino participants.
The difference between Lack ‘O and Dave Sanction is that I actually get stuff done. Whilst Lack ‘O was singing "Heal the World" I was actually out there healing the world. Whilst Lack ‘O was singing "Dirty Diana", I was actually dating a girl called Diana, although she did come from a middle-class Norfolk background. Whilst he sang "Man in the Mirror" I was actually a mirror salesman (for a week when I was fifteen). He dreams of being Invincible. I, Dave Sanction, actually am invincible. The tabloids, the ex-girlfriends and the Chinese government will all try and knock me down but they will fail.
I AM INVINCIBLE. I AM DAVE SANCTION. AND THAT WAS MY TV REVIEW.
Matthew 11:08 PM
Wednesday, January 22, 2003
Iraqee Sanctions to Headline Dave Sanction's "Peado Pop" Student Union Tour
- "the backstage rider is going to be a small thing" confirms Sanction
- full line up dependent on "ongoing police investigations" - "we're hoping that a few top name acts will be disgraced in the coming weeks and then fall in to our disgraced-price bracket. I've heard that a certain mister Elton J and a mister P Collins have been causght with their pants down, up to their knees in kids. Here's hoping!"
- "we are hoping to beak in some fresh new talent as well on this tour", said Sanction at today's launch, "but enough about backstage! Seriously though, our opening act will be Mc Sydney Cook who is attempting to make a sucess of that difficult crossover from Peado to Popstar. But his fun-rolling track "Is it Jam or is it Juice?" is a real floor filler.."
Matthew 11:40 AM
a week in Iraqee Sanctions' media
Iraqee Sanctions' Lifted!
Strong man elevates entire band over his head as they sit in a mini cooper.
Iraqee Sanctions' "responsible for the deaths of thousands of children" says John Pilger
Sanction lays blame squarely at the door of HMV security services for gross instore-signing mismanagement.
Iraqee Sanctions' Frustrate The Passage Of Vital Medical Aid
Band play improptu gig in the middle of Great Ormond Street hospital.
Matthew 11:31 AM
Sanction Considers It Opportune Time to Promote the Iraqee Sanctions
Always one to guage the promotional wind, Dave Sanction has determined that the time is right for him to launch his musical-tribute-act-to-his-non-musical-life - the Iraqee Sanctions. At the press conference he staged yestaday, Mr Sanction appeared with a bald pate and germanic-belgian accent akin to those endured by Hans Blix - in order to announce "the discovery of songs of mass(ive) excellence";
"yestaday me and my team arrived at an Abbey Road address and discovered thirteen empty CD tracks which were of sufficient size and baring to accomodate songs of the most potent and effecting nature - the "Sanction Seal" on the CD front only confirmed me in this opinion. Further examination of the recording equipment yielded the song-heads themselves - such was the purity of the distilled contents thereon I have concluded that the unleashing of just one track, when fired by a long-range CD distributor, would wipe out all the players and haters the world over".
The comic effect that was produced when this well spoken European dignitry was made to speak in street slang - "the players and haters" - was a phenomenon your correspondent can only compare to that occasion when Aliester McGowan took his Sven Goran Eriksson impersonation down the disco to "ave it in largeness, ya!". Sanction's next trick was to parody George W Bush - who seemingly condemened the band as "evil doers". Confused, Sanction had to spend some time explaining to his audience that Evil was the latest word - like bad and wicked before it - to cross over and come to mean bodacious.
Matthew 11:26 AM
Tuesday, January 21, 2003
"Art is the reduction of the external apparatus into a
form whereby it becomes the embodiment of spirit and
freedom" - Hegel on Sanction.
Matthew 10:38 PM
Wednesday, January 01, 2003
2003 - Chinese Year of the Sanc.
Matthew 9:50 PM
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