///Sanction's Hard Post///

Wednesday, December 03, 2003

Sanc TV announce christmas schedule

6:00 - 10:00 AM Sanction's Sackload For Kids

A garish mix of one-off christmassy cartoons, gungings and hyper-pop.

10:00 - 12:00 Sanction's Christmas Presents - Low-budget reworking of the former Noel-Edmunds-as-jesus vehicle. Sanction wisks a group of retarded children off to meet Santa at Milton Keynes shopping centre, followed by a fun hour on the snow-slope (for those who can afford it). Sanction buys a Pensioner one of those discount phone cards so he can enjoy a twenty minute call with his half brother in Australia. Sanction vists the children's ward at Newcastle General and presents each kid with a kiss, handshake and signed photo.

12:00 - 1:00

Sanction's Speech - The usual incoherant rambling about nothing in particular, delivered with a shocking lack of perspective as to its importance.

1:00 - 10:00 I love Sanction!

Celebrity talking head soundbites.

10:00 - Close Sanction's Stockingload For Adults

Featuring... Stuck In Mrs Claus' Chimney, Ruldoph the Red Knobbed Blackman, Santa's Little Yelpers, Angel On Top Of The Me, Settling Brown for the Family Christmas Rimmer, The Queen's Peach, Only Girls and Horses.

Matthew 3:38 PM

Sunday, November 23, 2003

Dave Sanction announces Grand Opening of new internet site.

Fully-Clothed-Nudes.org

... set to launch next Tuesday.

Matthew 6:46 PM

Thursday, November 20, 2003

sanction manction raided!

- police find indecent child.
- Sanction passes buck Jackson-ward.
- "yep, ok" is how it ended.

Matthew 2:23 AM

Saturday, November 15, 2003

Dave Sanction calls for changes in the law.

"Let me drink-up, smoke-ass, cock-out, grope-tit, vamp-dress, tramp-down, wank-rape, torture-shower, fiddle-flick, perv-stare, klepto-fascise, bio-goggle, klap-trap, vibro-dil, nonce-nozzle, shit-stuff, sperm-wine, bazooka-charm, negro-fry, beach-volleyball, granny-strangle, cunt-handshake, necro-crucify and lesbo-capitulate legally from now onwards", demands Student Union Presidential candidate.

Matthew 9:39 PM

Monday, October 27, 2003

ITV commision "What's the Score Sanction?"

radical and contrived new football scores service in which top pundit Andy Townsend has to repeatedly question host Dave Sanction in order to glean goal and incident news . A spoken vidiprinter if you like.

Matthew 9:51 PM

Thursday, October 09, 2003

Dave Sanction Denies Rumours Of Suicide By Calling Press Conference and Slitting Own Throat. (Reuters)

Matthew 4:08 PM

Thursday, April 10, 2003

Dave Sanction's Penis Visible From Moon, Queen Says.

Matthew 8:30 PM

Wednesday, March 12, 2003

Sanction Club-feed

<12:45 12/3/03>

Join Dave Sanction's "Well Into Pussy" Club!

Join Dave Sanction's "Too Much Gay on TV" Club!

Join Dave Sanction's "Lets Spend The Iraq Money On Sending the Immigrants Back" Club !

Join Dave Sanction's "Decent Cocks in Public" Club!

Join Dave Sanction's "Skool Daze" Club!

Join Dave Sanction's "I Am a Fit Girl" Club!



New clubs generated 24/7 at www.everyoneismorevitalthantheolympicbid.com

Matthew 12:47 PM

Thursday, March 06, 2003

Dave Sanction’s Television Review

Living With Michael Jackson, A Martin Bashir Interview with the King of Pop, On ITV 1



Lack ‘O Blacko (Wacko Jacko aka Michael Jackson) and I have led surprisingly similar lives. As children we were both beaten and molested by our fathers. We were both born with unique talents, him – popular music and dance, and Sanction – dignity and valour. We have both been falsely accused of rape. Lack ‘O was accused of finger-fetching an eleven year old boy. I was falsely accused of sexually assaulting three schoolgirls, and in a separate incident, presenter John Leslie.

The media has unfairly hounded us both. We’ve never known anything other than super-stardom. Lack ‘O was a multi-millionstar by the age of ten. I was born through the Messianic tunnel. We both have had giant golden statues erected in celebration of our form. Both of us suffer from rare skin conditions. His skin turns from black to white. My skin cannot be pierced, penetrated or scarred.

As lead singer of the Sanction 5 I had over ninety number one hits in forty nations. He made his name as the squeaky voiced African singing with his bro’s. We have both had children with whom our relationships are uneasy. Dave Sanction Jr wears a John Malkovich mask (received at a screening of Being John Malkovich at the University of Warwick Arts Centre) at all times. Lack ‘O’s children wear little multi-coloured feathered masks to protect their identity.

We both suffered children with overweight publicity whores, whom we have both since part company with. Debbie Rowe, we know now, was a surrogate mother for Lack ‘O’s children. I screwed Sherri in order to become President of the Student Union, and our baby almost got lost in her belly. Both women were merely accessories to our courage and careers.

Both Lack ‘O and Dave Sanction have had famous pets. I owned, and loved, Sanctsu the Panda. Lack ‘O owned Bubbles, a pet chimpanzee. Both animals were Chinese. Both pets died under suspicious circumstances. Lack ‘O was accused of choking his monkey, and Beijing accused me of deliberately starving the Panda to avenge the massacre of 13,000 Church of Sanction worshippers in Shanghai. The truth is that the tabloids killed both pets.

We’ve both had plastic surgery; me on my cock (to make it smaller, more manageable), him on everything. Lack ‘O appeared in the motion picture "Moonwalker". I appeared in the classic "Sanction Rides Again" and am currently making "Sanction Rides Again, Again".

We are both friends with the magician Uri Geller. We are both planning to Live Forever.

Martin Kashmir (‘Kashmir’ since he resembles the India/Pakistan border, and is just as aggressive) hassled Lack ‘O in such a way that reminded me of the way Terry Wogan treated me on my 1994 BBC1 chat show appearance. Terry "Sulk Hogan" (alcoholic, tubby, Irish, not a wrestler) Wogan treated me like the Son of God backstage, but then lampooned me as soon as the camera began rolling. He’d been on the vodka-gin, and was drunk as a girl, the daft old Murphy.

Anyway, Kashmir chided Lack ’O for his ongoing love affairs with young boys. Well, it would be dishonest of me to claim that the scene featuring Wacko’s arm around that young lad didn’t pull my paedophilic muscle. In fact, on several occasions I’ve been with young Mexican boys myself. Come round to my bathroom and I’ll show you a veritable shanty-town of willing young Latino participants.

The difference between Lack ‘O and Dave Sanction is that I actually get stuff done. Whilst Lack ‘O was singing "Heal the World" I was actually out there healing the world. Whilst Lack ‘O was singing "Dirty Diana", I was actually dating a girl called Diana, although she did come from a middle-class Norfolk background. Whilst he sang "Man in the Mirror" I was actually a mirror salesman (for a week when I was fifteen). He dreams of being Invincible. I, Dave Sanction, actually am invincible. The tabloids, the ex-girlfriends and the Chinese government will all try and knock me down but they will fail.

I AM INVINCIBLE. I AM DAVE SANCTION. AND THAT WAS MY TV REVIEW.

Matthew 11:08 PM

Wednesday, January 22, 2003

Iraqee Sanctions to Headline Dave Sanction's "Peado Pop" Student Union Tour

- "the backstage rider is going to be a small thing" confirms Sanction
- full line up dependent on "ongoing police investigations" - "we're hoping that a few top name acts will be disgraced in the coming weeks and then fall in to our disgraced-price bracket. I've heard that a certain mister Elton J and a mister P Collins have been causght with their pants down, up to their knees in kids. Here's hoping!"
- "we are hoping to beak in some fresh new talent as well on this tour", said Sanction at today's launch, "but enough about backstage! Seriously though, our opening act will be Mc Sydney Cook who is attempting to make a sucess of that difficult crossover from Peado to Popstar. But his fun-rolling track "Is it Jam or is it Juice?" is a real floor filler.."

Matthew 11:40 AM

a week in Iraqee Sanctions' media

Iraqee Sanctions' Lifted!

Strong man elevates entire band over his head as they sit in a mini cooper.

Iraqee Sanctions' "responsible for the deaths of thousands of children" says John Pilger

Sanction lays blame squarely at the door of HMV security services for gross instore-signing mismanagement.

Iraqee Sanctions' Frustrate The Passage Of Vital Medical Aid

Band play improptu gig in the middle of Great Ormond Street hospital.

Matthew 11:31 AM

Sanction Considers It Opportune Time to Promote the Iraqee Sanctions

Always one to guage the promotional wind, Dave Sanction has determined that the time is right for him to launch his musical-tribute-act-to-his-non-musical-life - the Iraqee Sanctions. At the press conference he staged yestaday, Mr Sanction appeared with a bald pate and germanic-belgian accent akin to those endured by Hans Blix - in order to announce "the discovery of songs of mass(ive) excellence";

"yestaday me and my team arrived at an Abbey Road address and discovered thirteen empty CD tracks which were of sufficient size and baring to accomodate songs of the most potent and effecting nature - the "Sanction Seal" on the CD front only confirmed me in this opinion. Further examination of the recording equipment yielded the song-heads themselves - such was the purity of the distilled contents thereon I have concluded that the unleashing of just one track, when fired by a long-range CD distributor, would wipe out all the players and haters the world over".

The comic effect that was produced when this well spoken European dignitry was made to speak in street slang - "the players and haters" - was a phenomenon your correspondent can only compare to that occasion when Aliester McGowan took his Sven Goran Eriksson impersonation down the disco to "ave it in largeness, ya!". Sanction's next trick was to parody George W Bush - who seemingly condemened the band as "evil doers". Confused, Sanction had to spend some time explaining to his audience that Evil was the latest word - like bad and wicked before it - to cross over and come to mean bodacious.

Matthew 11:26 AM

Tuesday, January 21, 2003

"Art is the reduction of the external apparatus into a
form whereby it becomes the embodiment of spirit and
freedom" - Hegel on Sanction.

Matthew 10:38 PM

Wednesday, January 01, 2003

2003 - Chinese Year of the Sanc.

Matthew 9:50 PM

Friday, November 22, 2002

Guy Debord amends his work from beyond the grave and publishes "The Society of the Spectacle of Sanction". He loves it all now.

Matthew 12:02 PM

Thursday, November 14, 2002

From PERSONAL PAST MONTHLY

Dave Sanction traces genesis of thought and blood back to Sanctities - the clown prince of Ancient Greece.

...A school photo of the Athenian Class of (whenever it was) - there's Socrates lost in thought and next to him, Aristophenes (sic) with a dreamy look befitting his poetic revery and look - over there - Plato - why, he looks ideal. But whose that at the back? Pulling the goonish expression? Why, its Sanctities, the self-styled "philosofarter", a lost graduate who has recently emerged from relative obscuirty to be installed as "The Greatest Greccian" in a BBC vote, thanks to work of the Ministry of Sanction-Geneology. Sanctities contribution to the thought-revolutions of his time tended toward a particular area - his ouput started from the premise that his name contained the word "tities" and expanded this point to consider the questions: How can this be best be used to my advantage? How can I swing people's reaction away from ridicule and towards playful ribbing?...

Matthew 7:22 PM

Thursday, November 07, 2002

From SnootyNews

Sancrtion supports Leslie, hearlds performance of Cindy, 21 from Surrey on Page 3
reports Dick T Rouble

Sanction's daily press conference - when he burdens us with useless opinions on non-news - was particularly
petty today.

first; a pathetic attempt at headline grabbing;

"Leslie is a laugh innt. When he wears that kilt at social events I can't help but laugh - "Oi! Leslie! What does a scotsman wear under his kilt?" I tend to shout at him. Once i even went over and tweaked the hem, as if to begin to look up, which OF COURSE I DIDNT DO. Now we all know what he has up there - a penis, as I expected."

then a silly pean to "beautiful boobies".

"I just want to assert on behalf of all red blooded guys out there - Cindy, 21 from Surrey certainly has beautiful boobies".

Matthew 12:39 PM

Saturday, November 02, 2002

Sanction retracts "I raped Ulrika too" statement. Stands by "I was raped by John Leslie" statement.

Matthew 12:02 AM

Wednesday, October 09, 2002

"Sanction makes key decision regarding removal of Muslims"

more on this story soon...

Matthew 6:01 PM

Sunday, October 06, 2002

Dave Sanction ego exact same size as Earth


* we all have a Sanction ego layer - SancLaw prepare lawsuits against psychics and quaker oats for mistaking thing owned by Sanc for Aura/Readybrek Glow.

Matthew 9:19 AM

Thursday, October 03, 2002

Dave Sanction recalls past life as "absolute global power-monarch/international playboy"

* Historians insert "very glossy" Sanction Age in to grand scheme of things.

* aparently a time of great pleanty - "especially up top, on the women" recalls Sanction

* social order thought to be first example of a Breastocracy operating under an Absolute Phallus.

* theory that Sanction may simply have been day dreaming discounted.

Matthew 4:59 PM

Tuesday, September 24, 2002

New 6-part BBC series -

"Dave Sanction the Social Documentarian Investigates"

Week 1
Join Dave Sanction as he attends a Breast Cancer Awareness rally in Washington D.C. Using a hidden camera to demonstrate the perverse nature of modern human, he crosses out the word "cancer" on his "Breast Cancer Awareness" ribbon using a big black marker pen, lets his dick hang out of his trouser-hole like a kanga caressing a Joey, and then proceeds to walk a mile through the centre of D.C with 10,000 pre or post-lump women, groping their titties and saying softly "I understand your pain."

Week 2
Join Dave Sanction in a hilarious, touching and enlightning conversation with Dick "The Dick" Dirby, owner of the world's biggest penis. Their conversation is largely anecdotal, comparative and self-referential, but ends on a rather shocking note when Dirby is informed via a phonecall that his wife has just been killed in a train crash.

Week 3
Join Dave Sanction as he attempts to answer that King Question of the Question World, namely; are gays more likely to score with women. Dave Sanction and his less attractive friend Brian take to the street with two different chat-up lines to see which one pays off the highest dividents. Day one - and the chat-up line is decidedly heterosexual - "alright ladies, fancy a bit a male meat, a spot of the ol' hetero-humping". Day two and Sanction and his friend don some orange lipstick and fagrags - "alright ladies, ever done it with a Gay?".

Week 4
Join Dave Sanction as he walks across Africa barefoot, asking the natives exactly what they are doing to stem the problem of modern-day racism.

Week 5
Join Dave Sanction as he spends six years documenting the life of Jose Charez a.k.a "The Peruvian Monkey Boy" - born with a furry tail and a little brown head. Admire Dave Sanction's documentarian longievity as he comes to the fascinating conclusion that Charez is an abnormality and should be shot in the head.

Week 6
Join Dave Sanction in the Sydney Zoo for the pilot of another possible six-part series entitiled "Them Animals- What Do They Think About The Issues That Matter". This week Dave Sanction spends four hours in lively debate with a mother hippo concerning the Israeli-Palestinian crisis.

WATCH "Dave Sanction the Social Documentarian Investigates" - NEXT WEEK!!!

Matthew 11:05 AM

Monday, September 23, 2002

From MusicBuzz

"Paul McCartney may have been 5th Beatle", claims former Beatle Dave Sanction.

Matthew 2:31 PM

Sunday, September 22, 2002

The Tower Twins The Movie to rival The Road to Perdition as hard wrought male trial and redemption story.

Matthew 11:00 AM

McDonalds launch the McSanc

* twelve inch sausage with attached pork ball parcels deleivered in a designer-denim zip up bag. The designer? Sergio Sanctio

* meat so hard as to break teeth upon biting. Sanction safety campaign advises consumers to "suck it".

* to replace simple hamburger as key component in Happy Meal.

Matthew 10:39 AM

"The Tower Twins" Phenomenon by Roger Cook (exerpt)

...the show
focuses on the lifes of brothers Chuck and Paul Tower, who also live in a tower, and in each episode find themselves in situation whereby they "collapse" in someway. In the first edition - aired yestaday - the twins had to cope with "the blues" as their respective crushes jilted them. In subsequent installments the boys will have to cope with the "impact" to their respective "Tower-lives" from forces as disperate as cancer, mind blowing philosophy and the no-sanction-posiibility. Sanction explained that while many - as a result of September 11th - felt nameless horror or Species shame "or whatever" - he felt "that the terrorists had gone someway to realising a metaphor worthy of my life". He expounded "sometimes, ya know, i feel collapsed as those towers - really sad like. What those guys failed to realise is that this is only a mometary thing to be fixed up with some beer or girls or something...i remember thinking yeah guys nice start but your only half there". The series is Sanction's attempt to "complete the picture through arts and laughs". Hence, in last nights episode the brothers love losses were made good as they both nailed a couple of models who were far nicer than their original pair. Indeed, throughout the series this seems to be the reliable route out of what Sanction calls "the blues" - beer and fit-girl-fucking. "What Im tryin to say is yo get back in da game dogg" explained Sanction. Many of the shows more laugh loaded moments come when the Twins meet their muslem neigbour - the improbably named Majohnny 's Albiggie - on the landing outside their flats. Majohnny's extremely ingratiating to the Towers - sweeping the dust from the carpet so "me friends american can ave a clean gettaway" - but in private curses their existence and plans to "unleash a thousand deaths upon them". Many liberals have complained that this extreme two-faces this character exhibits will only add to the climate of mistrust and fear. For Sanction, however, once an Asian, always an Al Quida; "if the beard fits..."

Matthew 9:49 AM

Saturday, September 21, 2002

Revealed by Hot Fuck International Gossip Wire Network 2450!

"The Tower Twins, Chuck and Paul, have Got Sanc too!"

Matthew 3:53 PM

From PostElectro-Garb.

Dave Sanction to travel to New York City's "Healathon" festival.

"Touch me and you will heal", Sanction sez.

Matthew 3:51 PM

"I GOT SANC" says the teenage girls of the world via their tight leather T-shirts.

"HE GOT SANC" says African-American movie director Spiker Lee in new blockbuster black moviette "He Got Sanc"

6,000,000 "I GOT SANC" (rhymes more with 'branch' than 'bank') t-shirts dropped on Iraq.

"SHE GOT SANC" t-shirts worn by yo fat mamma in da hood.

HAVE YOU GOT SANC?

Matthew 3:48 PM

Sanction produced sit-com "The Tower Twins" is hearlded as "totally now"

Matthew 1:22 PM

Friday, September 20, 2002

Sanction Beds Nieghbour's Daughter


* Women's groups express outragous jealousy.

* Suzanne Smith, 10, supplants Virgin Mary, J-lo as feminine ideal.

* Peadophiles hope pervy pass time will be upgraded to sacred status.

Matthew 7:21 PM

Thursday, September 19, 2002

Chinese declare the year 2003 and "all those thereafter" to be "The years of the Sanc".

*modernised fable to hearld Sanctions clear victory over the scummy animal kingdom.

* rats, horses, monkeys humilated by Sanction's fast legs

*wins animal race so clearly organizers okay it for him to eat his competitors in iconic "Feast of the Fools" parable.

*Chinese to formally sign over their rights to measure their own time on Thursday.

Matthew 8:26 AM

Sunday, September 15, 2002

From Modernitation.org

Sanction to temporarily convert self to automobile for 2004 World Technology Expo.

Sanction to be capable of top speeds of 260 mph. Sleek and sexy too.

Matthew 6:35 AM

Wednesday, September 04, 2002

Sanction speaks of his pride as his charges The Sanckes take over

"i know them all - they're great" said Sanction, decked out in ridiculous hipwear, "the drummer Fad, the singer Julian Gonewiththewinds and the lovely female bassist Nicola - and the father and son guitar duo, Albert sr and jr, prove you're never too old to rock 'n roll and pass down vital information".

Matthew 10:58 AM

Monday, August 19, 2002

www.allcatholic,allthetime.com

"Dave Sanction's gigantic cock error was the direct consequence of a misplaced faith in the wrong God", the Pope tells crowds in Krakow, Poland.

Matthew 4:02 AM

Sunday, August 18, 2002

From celebrity-untruths.com


God tells Dave Sanction - "There's only one penis and it belongs to you."

Last night Dave Sanction watched pre-recorded video footage of God speaking to him; in a dream that lasted about ten minutes and took place at 2.43am GMT. God told him that there is only one penis left in the entire universe, the rest having been wiped out by a deadly and extremely rapid plague of the evil dickloss virus Brannan's Head at approximately 12.56am that same night. Sanction was said to be delighted at the news, and soon after establishing that his deadly torpedo still fired silky lots precisely double the length of his pre-grounded distance ("that's twelve plus twenty-four, a massive thirty-six inch wifesplash ratio") he ordered a T-shirt from CafePress.com bearing the now-fabled words of God, "There's only one penis and it belongs to You." He will wear it in front of schoolchildren in Earlsdon today.

Addressing reporters outside his Coventry house in a special press conference he called in which to break the news, Mr Sanction revealed that newly-penisless men had little to worry about, that his "cock has always been, and always will be, the cock of the people" and that he felt "honoured that God had chosen his penis as the exclusive piece of male anatomy on earth." Being charged with the responsibility of maintaining the successful continuation of the human race didn't seem to trouble Sanction. "In the Age of Castration one can be quite satisfied that Sanction's Cosmic Bulge will take excellent care of the ladies, and make strong and healthy babies."

Matthew 6:09 PM

Saturday, August 17, 2002

From reputations.org

Dave Sanction in highly symbolic pop-cultural nickname challenge to fallen legend Michael Jackson.

Sanction 5 frontman/songwriter/dancer in shocking "I'm the goddamned King of Pop, arsehole" threat to "Lack O'Blacko" (Wacko Jacko) (Michael Jackson)

Matthew 7:55 PM

Friday, August 16, 2002

From headlinesunlimited.com

Sanction Laughs Off Significant New Evidence Connecting Him to the Murder of that 7-year old Girl always in the Tabloid Papers.

Matthew 7:12 AM

Tuesday, August 13, 2002

Dave Sanction offers pun-based support to Bush administration on Iraq.

"I don't give a "Sad Damn" about the civilian deaths", says Sanction. "It is obviously that Saddam is mad, bad and evil. Who's sane? (pronounced Huss-ain) Why, Dave Sanction's your man." ("your man" pronounced "Ir-an")

Matthew 7:41 PM

Friday, August 02, 2002

Alright beautiful ladies,
I'm here to have your babies.
You might find me outrageous,
But my charm is so contageous.

They call me Sanction, Dave.
And with the ladies I misbehave.
I'm so cool, yeah baby, so cool.
The coolest kid in school (University of Warwick)

---- ---- ----- ---- -----

Writing that poem took me the best part of the two months since my last "Blog" entry.

Love,

Dave Sanction.

Matthew 7:39 AM

Sunday, May 26, 2002

New Hardline Sanction lays into the "mealy mouthed, wishy wash, tea drinking, thought thinking, guardian reading, homo-loving, liberal mafia that frustrate my plans".

Matthew 2:33 PM

Saturday, May 25, 2002

From worldwidemusicallovers.org

Dave Sanction completes second musical.

Following the success of his amazing record-breaking number one smash musical hit "David Sanction's Superstar", which only recently opened in a forth Broadway theater, Dave Sanction is at it again with a new show entitled "The Rivers of Blood".

"It's my personal take on Britain's current immigration problems", said Sanction in a busy London press conference, "and it addresses the important issues in a stark, yet visually imaginative form." Sanction explained that the musical consisted enterely of an existential discussion between Dave Sanction and the Ghost of Enoch Powell, whilst immigrants conform to their inherent racial traits on either side of the stage.

"It is to be taken completely seriously, but with a smile", stated Sanction, who has written all the songs himself. "One of the songs involves a bunch of Bosnian pickpocket kids working the streets on London, and its like that scene from the movie Oliver, although the lyrics have been changed to reflect the current mood. Sanction boasts that the musical will feature "wiggers in nogspots, bum-chums in Japface, and Texans in charcoal."

The final Act of the musical will happen twice for extra emphasis. This will be followed by two ongoing scenes to run concurrently. In the first, all Britain's immigrants are seen being thrown back into their respective countries by a man with giant hands. In the second scene, Dave Sanction drives a specially calibrated tank over 100,000 immigrant people, squashing them into full size Union Jack flags.

In the last line of the play, the Ghost of Enoch says to Dave Sanction "You truly are a great man. My political heir and a national hero. Only you can stop the RIVERS OF BLOOD FROM FLOWING!" The play will debut on BBC4.

Matthew 3:40 PM

Tuesday, April 30, 2002

From DementedTissue.com

Dave Sanction to stand in UK local elections, force electorate to vote for him.

Dave Sanction will be standing in the forthcoming local elections, today published by, a controversial survey has revealed. Sanction will be representing the Independent Sanctionitical Party, on behalf of himself, for him, Dave Sanction, at the elections, today published.

He will be forcing the electorate to vote for him by following them one by one into voting booths, and making them tick the appropiate boxes whilst ramming a shotgun into their guts. A spokesperson for Sanction stated that 'this is not some existential, metaphoriphyisical cine-matic jawbuster - this is the real hardporn thing. If you don't vote for my main man Davey Sancy you will be shot in the cock-arse-ridden throat.'

Conservative opponent MP Colin Draincy, Sir, accused Dave Sanction of being an 'elaborate schemer with dangerous thoughts in his brain'. His thoughts, however, were dismissed by Conservative Central Office as 'retrograde faff'.

Matthew 3:17 PM

Thursday, April 11, 2002

Dave Sanction addresses nation "She is in a better place - Mourning an all together greater tragedy"

Amid this time of great saddness I want to assure you that the Queen Mum is suffering to. Her flight into Universal Sanction Consicousness has left her not "reunited with her beloved Bertie" (the Sun) but in full possession of shocking the truth.

When I say what this is the gravity of the content of what I am saying will not register to deeply on you but with death it will penetrate so deep man

Sanction Consciousness is like falling down a hole. It cloaks you in Sanction Simulators whereby you spirit experiances what i experiance - heighted consciousness all over the place.

This is not mad science this is mad truth!

The Queen Mother is locked in a painfull, hyper-realised awareness that every pasing second brings one [me] closer to death. That the light will one day leave this world, that rabbits will cry. In her life she was a follower - comparing me favorably to Jesus - but now she is locked into my every sorrow and joy.

She - as a self-loathing member of the royal institution - recognised more than anyone that earthly authorities exist soley to frustrate my plans

Vote Sanction for Union President - Its what the Queen Mum wants.

Matthew 1:57 PM

Monday, April 08, 2002

Queen addresses nation - "in these difficult times following the death of my mother I ask of you all to remember all that Dave Sanction has done recently for the University of Warwick student's union. Our nation will never have a better friend."

Matthew 8:06 PM

Thursday, April 04, 2002

From Reuters

Dave Sanction spending week with Israeli army.

Dave Sanction has been spotted driving military tanks around the holy town of Bethlehem today. Further investigations have resulted in claims that he has joined the Israeli army as a "free agent". Under the terms of his contract with the Israeli government, he is allowed to shoot at anything Arab or Christian, except Yassar Arafat himself, or foreign journalists.

The reasons for his excursion are as yet unclear, although it might have something to do with the 75 solid gold Church of Sanction religion monuments which arrived in Bethlehem sometime last week. Dave Sanction was reportedly seen driving his tank into several Jesus things and mosques last night.

Matthew 6:54 PM

Saturday, March 16, 2002

Dave Sanction Launches Pop-Reggee (sic) Idol

Dave Sanction hooks on to phenomena and steers it wholly new way - a vehcile to "revive the fortunes of some of the great pop-reggea acts of yestayear and introduce some great new acts". The artists featured;

"the old skool"
CJ Lewis
Pato Banton
Chaka Demus
Pliars (now estranged)
Bitty McClean

"the new skool"
Crazzee Little Rat Like That
Big Bum Pumper
Ol Dirty Bag Of Tricks
Davio Sanctionio

the tour will take in Coventry.

Matthew 1:06 PM

Sunday, March 10, 2002

Alrite fans! Good news. I've been up in Newcastle for the last two weeks recording with my joint top favourite band Smokie for their new album, the name of which I promised not to mention. I sing backing vocals on tracks 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8 and 10.

Matthew 3:06 PM

Tuesday, February 26, 2002

From Television and Industry magazine

Dave Sanction offered first, massive, post-rehabilitation job.

Dave Sanction has been chosen to fill in for Conan O'Brian as host of the Late Show on NBC when the O'Brian takes his two week annual leave in August. Dave Sanction will change the name of the show to:
"The. Way. I. Feel. Right. Now." It is expected that he will be a great success.

Matthew 12:21 PM

Cereal Abusers

"Dave Sanction waved a piece of paper yestaday and exclaimed "we invite these monsters into our houses and share our breakfast table with them - I say no longer!". He was referring to


"a honey coloured monster frequently living the high life on ski slopes and at football matches.

"a cartoon tiger

Matthew 8:55 AM

Monday, February 25, 2002

From the Leeds Student

"all our theory bounced off him" - Doctors speak of Dave Sanction Ego-immunity
by Dick Ryder

Freud wrote books about egos, sick stuff about wanting to bed your mum and gay stuff like that - what a laff all that stuff is and how we learn it round here (remember that Friends episode!). Anyhow student favourite Dave Sanction - fan of the beer, like us all! - did have some trouble with his self and all. He explains; "life is a struggle...there are many people struggling out there...the dreams we have as kids fade away". I think there are a lot of sad people in the world but for something called "the happy" that if we all swallow wholly we will all be okay. Sanction, anyway, was in a bed for a while suffering from what he called "adjustment to next level of everything" but doctors labelled "Delusion Crack to Avalanche". They put him away and fired words at him. Different interpretations are always interesting to look at and if we do here we shall be able to see how people on each side of the issue differently look at the thing (Dave Sanction's Ego) under our topic discussion...

Matthew 12:22 PM

Tuesday, February 12, 2002

From Warwick Boar

Dave Sanction accuses the Lesbigay society of attempting to ruin his campaign.

Presidential candidate Dave Sanction, who received only two votes in last week's election, has accused "gays of rigging the ballot boxes." He has argued that in fact he received well over 3,000 votes, easily enough to have won the election, but that 2,998 of the votes were discarded by lesbo-sym-path-etic vote counting types. Lesbigay deny his claims, arguing instead that Sanction was impeded by beginning his campaign with only twenty minutes of voting time left. "Nonsense", argued Dave Sanction, "I've been campaigning continuously for this job for six years. I'm not going to start standing on a bench shaking a sign at this point in my career. I demand a recount."

Matthew 3:13 PM

Friday, February 08, 2002

From WarwickPiazza.com

Dave Sanction rushes to campus Friday afternoon, catches last 35 minutes of election vote.

Dave Sanction appeared on campus in a last minute bid to become President, on Friday afternoon at 3.25pm, only thirty-five minutes before polling closed for the 2002 Student Union elections. Voting opened on Wednesday morning and record numbers of students have casted votes this year. Dave Sanction is standing as a 'write-in candidate', although organizers believe that he will somehow need to attract 2,000 as-yet-non-voters to write in his name in the next half hour if he is to stand any chance of winning.

Matthew 4:41 PM

Monday, February 04, 2002

Alright people! It's me, Dave Sanction himself, writing to you from the Sanction Mancsion. That's right, I managed to escape that loony hospital hell-house this morning!
It was easy, I used the trick employed by legendary Peruvian serial killer, what's his name, when he escaped from Lima maximum security - I sat absolutely motionless without saying a single word or doing a single thing for an entire week, and then earlier this morning, when nobody was looking I made a run for it. Andy Utter was waiting outside the hospital with my gataway car. I have no idea in which part of my body my ego currently resides, but I'm well aware that there is a Presidential election on at the Student's Union and I'll be goddamned if I'm not going to make it!
In other news, I'm getting penile erections again. Oh yeah, baby, my post is hard all day long......

DS

Matthew 10:31 AM

Friday, February 01, 2002

University of Warwick Students Union realise past errors - atone with extreme Sanction-attention programe

"One Sanction Week is not so much fun" said Dubber "as a sin-eradicating essential"

Monday - Academics Salute!

popular campus figures abdicate their intellect and revert to primative idol worship.

Tuesday- "Im with Sanction who the HELL are you?"

in order to solidify the new consensus oaths will be taken and objectors will be ridiculed.

Wednesday - "Group Sanc"

Workshops such as; "His heart is so wide - measuring his parts in metaphor", "atoning for
live PA from the Iraqee Sanctions.

Thursday - "Day's Silence"

Friday - "Club Sanction"

a fun end to the week.

Matthew 9:41 AM

Thursday, January 31, 2002

No change in Sanction condition since Monday, doctors announce.

Dave Sanction, in his entirety, has been in a state of permanent status quo since Monday afternoon, when his ego was discovered lurking in his right elbow. Since that revelation, absolutely nothing of any note has happened at all.
Journalists cite the recent lack of activity for the recent lack of updates of his condition in the media.

Matthew 11:57 PM

Monday, January 28, 2002

from Science Today

"Dave Sanction Ego-Clot Brand New Thing"

Dave Sanction's Ego - thought disappeared - has been located in the elbow of his right arm. Doctors got suspicous when the said limb started to get uppity and elevating itself involutarily above Sanctions head. It has also claimed unspeakable privaleges for itself - declaring itself a republic and raising an army of ants which patrol its perimeter. It has also converted all below - forearm and hand - into a trunk-like penis. Doctors are planning to connect some tubing from brain to elbow and wisper nicities in an attempt to draw it out and return it to its home.

Matthew 11:17 AM

Saturday, January 26, 2002

From the Weekly World News

Dave Sanction in unprecedented 30 second ego boost of massive proportions!

Dave Sanction stunned fellow patients on Friday as he suddenly became an egomaniac again, for a spell of about thirty seconds.
In a speech that made Mohammed Ali look like a frail old lady, Sanction danced around the room, hopping from one hospital bed to another whilst waving his hands around frantically in the air.
He told patients that "my EGO has gone to GOD which is only one letter away from an anagram of EGO, the missing letter is the LETTER 'D' from the word DAVE, of the name DAVE SANCTION." An bystander then threw Sanction a plastic football which he kicked straight out the window and into the top left corner of the goal at Loftus Road, a full two miles away. He rushed across the ward to 96 year old Mavis Strong and cured her cancer by stroking her chin. Finally he broke the long-jump world record by leaping just over nine metres into the sandpit in the creche provided for brain damaged children.
Then Sanction returned to his bed and mumbled the words 'that's how I used to be', before nurses helped him into his wheelchair and pushed him to the toilets. After his shit, nurses wiped his bottom and cleaned the toilet seat on which he left urine.

Matthew 4:35 PM

Wednesday, January 23, 2002

From the Daily Sport

"Here w-ego Here w-ego Here w-ego."

Sanction to try out life as a top paid soccer star in attempt to win back ego.

Matthew 8:14 PM

Sanction Walks to Bathroom with Aid of Nurses - improvements very noticible say hospital staff.

Dave Sanction then returned from the bathroom, still heavily aided, and told reporters of his decision not to travel to Switzerland for an ego transplant. He explained "I was in a car crash there last year which should have taken my life. I wish it had taken my life, the world would have been better off without me. I couldn't bear travel back to the country that cheated the people of the world my hopeless and pointless death."

Sanction's friend, and interim leader of the Church of Sanction, The Rev. Andrew Utter, told reporters that there were signs that the Dave Sanction of old was on the way back. "He has shown an enormous appetite for beer recently, sometimes drinking seven or eight cans in one sitting."

His preferred brand of beer is CARLING.

Matthew 4:52 PM

Tuesday, January 22, 2002

press release from Double Hard Trouble records

"the size of my tears" ego-sadness collaboration between DS and DS (Dave Sanction, Dave Stewart)

"as part of his ego-reconsititution programme Sanction has joined forces with fellow sufferer Dave Stewart for this haunting duet....

[more to follow]

Matthew 10:39 AM

Thursday, January 17, 2002

Dave Sanction enrolls on 12 step ego reconstitution programme...

1) Drag Yourself From Out Of The Debris - tatoo your name on your penis and worship a primative idol.
2) Develop A Group Ego - 1 week on the road with Crazy Town.
3) Detatch Your Ego Into Its Rightful Self-Box - 24 hours in the Mirror Vault - inescapable projections of your wonder at every turn.
4) Talk About Your Ego-trouble to Global Media - the first of several "express your weakness back toward a healthy narcisim" steps.
5) Sing About Your Ego-Trouble and Shift Millions of Units - see Robbie Williams' "singin' the blues" direction.
6) Take All Of The Worlds Suffering Within Your Heart - know you have all the insights into everything
7)Stick to a strict masturbation schedule
8)
9)
10)
11)
12)

the last steps do not apply as you have all the ansewrs anyway to pretty much everything as it is.

Matthew 10:34 AM

Wednesday, January 16, 2002

Dave Sanction is to spend eight weeks playing tamborines for the Jesus Army after he is released from hospital. As part of the arrangement, Mr Sanction will receive basic food and board along with spiritual guidance and some towels. He has already agreed to shave his head but will also be expected to give up alcohol, drugs and sexual intercourse.
When asked about the situation Mr Sanction looked up from his hospital meal and declared that he was surprised that anybody would want to have him around at all.

Matthew 5:33 PM

Tuesday, January 15, 2002

From CNN.com

Sony pulls plug on Dave Sanction computer game. Originally scheduled for a May release on the Playstation, "Sanction's Great Adventure", aimed for 7-11 year old kids, has been scrapped due to Sanction's massive loss of status since his ego burst.
Director of Sales, Kazu Mitoshi, told reporters that "two weeks ago we would have expected Sanction's Great Adventure to become the biggest selling video game of our time. However, since Sanction's ego burst, we would be lucky to shift more than five or six units. Not five or six hundred thousand units. Five or six units. His name is a log turd sinking in the sewer"
Dave Sanction is still likely to recieve at least a $14 million payout from the initial deal.

Matthew 11:30 PM

Monday, January 14, 2002

Dave Sanction impotent! Penile erection rendered impossible with zero-ego. Mixed reaction from the ladies.

Matthew 1:43 PM

Oh Autumn! Dave Sanction worships the season of decay.

Matthew 11:55 AM

Saturday, January 12, 2002

University of Warwick Student Union deny any wrongdoing.

"He did it to himself", claimed Students with Disabilities Campaign Convener Suzanne Kenner. Her view was echoed by Jai Breitnauer, the Student Services and Communications Officer, who too told reporters that "he did it to himself."
They were responding to allegations that Mr Sanction was severely drugged whilst eating his traditional Thursday afternoon meal in the Cooler diner, in order to discredit his Presidential campaign.
When pressed for comments on the situation, Mr Sanction, resembling a flaky brown leaf in the late autumn, simply mumbled something incomprehensible about a childhood field.

Matthew 2:41 PM

shell-of-a-man Sanction speaks of childhood field

...report to follow

Matthew 12:12 PM

Friday, January 11, 2002

From Reuters

Doctors outline Sanction's condition to huge wide-eyed crowds at press conference.

"Mr Sanction has suffered a collapsed ego on a massive scale of one hundred percent total damage. His injuries are believed to have been caused primarily by excessive success and his inability to cope with his own brilliance, although doctors have also suggested that his extraordinarily fertility has probably taken a toll on his mind, the part of the body that affects the ego the most."

Dave Sanction is likely to be shipped to Switzerland next week where he will undergo ERT (ego replacement therapy) His collapsed ego will be ideallly be replaced by one that previously belonged to a man who died at some sort of peak. One possible ego-donor is Zurich financier George Zwoll, who died last week at the age of 87, whilst making passionate love to Chinese-American teen model Samantha Xu, 14.

Matthew 1:44 PM

Thursday, January 10, 2002

Dave Sanction hospitalised!

"Star Suffering From Total Ego Collapse"

Former confidently spoken mantra; "All things are unto myself" becomes a pathetically slurred "All things undo myself". He is collapsed man - a boneless body.

Matthew 1:58 PM

Monday, January 07, 2002

sanction sorrow statement....

I am very sorrowful. I hate projecting the front I do (pornograhpy, celebrity). Its all a lie. I am sorrow.

Matthew 8:05 PM

Saturday, January 05, 2002

Dave Sanction "Silk Collection" present www.cock2holeratio.com

Got a favourite equation you would like to see acted out in sex? Enter your sum and our on stand-by team of math graduates/porn stars will bestow. Launched in association with www.homeworkhelp.com.

Matthew 4:32 PM

Was spotted by TVs Jonathan Ross on the way to university today. He pretended not to notice me but his sudden fidgeting and sweating gave the game away. He didn't have the guts to walk up and speak to me. He just continued walking down the street occasionally turning his head to confirm what he had just seen.
DS

Matthew 1:15 PM

Thursday, January 03, 2002

new year's eve review

18:00 down the students union with my campaign team and a bevy of beauties - intake 3 pints of bitter
19:00 over to the cruise/cruz's for a private prayer meeting (them toward me) and cocktails - intake 2 cocktails, output one scrotum-load.
20:00 Lou Reeds "Big Cat Prostitute Party" with the Strokes, Kate Moss et al - intake two shots of heroin via a syringe-toothed tigeress.
21:00 Romantic tussel with my "regular" girlfriend the lumpen-mary in a dingy warwick corner - output one scrotum-load.
22:00 Lead church service/Rock In the New Year light show - output - much spoken truth, input - many souls
23:00 Elton Johns "Hallabaulou-baboon" - mix with TV glamour girls - do great imitation of that thing what that guy does thats funny off that TV show what we all watch - input - bottled beer
0:00 Telaport between all my levels in strobe like rapidity to finish

Matthew 10:49 AM

Monday, December 24, 2001

I've been given a wonderful Sancmas present this year. I found Julia slump-drunk in the corner of The Parrot and Pie two weeks ago, and since then it has been non-stop sex with her! She's a fantastic girl. Big blonde breasts. Likes a drink. Always smiling. Fuck the Queen's Sancmas speech, I'll be enjoying Julia's Sancmas teeth (wrapped round my cock)
But enough about my life...
MERRY SANCMAS TO YOU ALL
DS

Matthew 9:03 PM

Thursday, December 13, 2001

new from the "Sanction Silk Collection" - adult entertainment for the emotionally stunted.

Polly Filler - "no gap too small"

witness an insane cock count (but hetrosexually) as polly takes a cock between each finger and toe in an utterly improbable group sess.

Matthew 10:15 AM

Wednesday, December 12, 2001

From Reuters

Sanction planning to adopt Romanian orphan child.

Celebrity favourite Dave Sanction has announced plans to adopt a Romanian orphan for Christmas. The child, Davoghe Sancescu, is currently sitting in a big red package, that Sanction will open after reciting the Dave Sanction's Christmas Speech to his followers, on Christmas Day at 15.10 hours.
It is currently unknown why Sanction has chosen to adopt the child.

Matthew 10:51 PM

Monday, December 10, 2001

on SancTV - a night of fundraising fun - "Sanction In Need"

Causes include;

Warwick Buy-off Guarantee - Sanction Resarch Corp have estimated that a bung of some 100 pounds should be sufficent to allay any other candidates noble motivations.

Lets help the wretched! - Sanction's humanatarian programme - all money goes towards establishing Sanction Churches in deprived areas and rerouting all water supplies to a tap locked within.

entertainment includes;

Osama Bin Laughter - Dave Sanctions new comedy creation is not afraid to utterly rip apart his cultural background- with a level of racism made acceptable by the current climate. Example; "you know our women are all covered up?...its a bit of a lucky dip...you never know what your going to get...all the lads pray to alllah that they are the one who will have a Pamala Anderson...its always another f---ing [censored]".

Miscarriage!- Gungy gameshow where pubescent boys rush around collecting fried-egg sized embryos from hemoraging [sic] latex virginas. The winner then has to climb up a mock birth apparatus and chip a trapped egg from a folopian [utterly sic.] tube with a pick axe - but hurry! if you take to long the egg will swell and the whole thing will explode! If successful, the winner will recieve a placement at a doctors surgery as "specialist cleaner" - employed to dive around and keep the floor clean. Hosted by Germaine Greer. [disclaimer- this piece of entertainment was commisioned before the countess of wessex's tragic birth trouble - considering here status as unpopular royal, Sanction has decided to run with it, splicing her face into the intro]

Poignent footage includes;

Dave Cam - sanction vists afganistan, iraq, nazi germany et al and a face cam records all of his responses to the stuff he sees - shrugs, flirtations all captured on tape.

Sanctsu Rememberes- home video footage of sanction with bear pal.

Matthew 9:23 AM

Saturday, December 08, 2001

The News- "Dave Sanction "Jesus head up arse" comment causes massive religous uproar"

Matthew 4:14 PM

Friday, December 07, 2001

Sanction launches 10 step christmas conversion programme (and some rationales)

Dave Sanction, in a press release to everyone, has outlined a strategy ("valid from the smallest family to the largest mego-corp") to convert this year's festivities towarss Sanction-orienrtation.

He justified it thus;

*Sanction has better clothes than jesus.
*The Virgin Mary vs The Freasian Mary - Sanction argues that Jesus' Mary's virginity was never proven and appeals to common sense - "come on lads how many times have you been led on as such only to find out the "gaping gulf" between promise and reality". He also doubts wether virginity is any kind of virtue- "where's the partying, the romance?". He considers his mother as altogether more praise worthy due to the "quirky pub-talk" qualities of being a cow.
*Sanction appeals to the out-of-dateness of Christ's teaching- claiming the spiritual life has progressed hand in hand with that of major label soft rock; "would Jesus be a Smokie fan I ask myself? No I reply to myself, hes to up his arse to consider that anyone else may have some answers. He would definitly not worship me."

Matthew 10:17 AM

Thursday, December 06, 2001

I spent the whole night dreaming about Sanction United Football Club. The team doesn't currently exist, but today I'll contact a few old mates in the industry and discover whether or not there is a possibility of getting my dream become reality. This wouldn't be some two-bit Neil Webb showcase on a playing field in Solihull, I'd want to be competing with the Manchester Uniteds, the Inter Milans and the Bayern Munichs on an immediate basis. Give me a week.....
DS

Matthew 9:58 AM

Wednesday, December 05, 2001

Alright? Been down the student union all afternoon buying beer for the lads and wine coolers for the ladies. Had a really good afternoon, told a few anecdotes about my car crash in Switzerland and some other funny stories. People sometimes suggest that the women of the University of Warwick are not particularly attractive, you know, too many nerds, too many glasses wearing types, too many foreign students...... This may well be the case, but there are still enough busty blondes to go round!
Met one this afternoon, although her huge breasts were partially obscured by the rubbery flaps of fat which dangled like tractor tyres from her lower chin down to her upper vaginal area. She was looking at me, smiling sluttishly, all afternoon. I had a long-term relationship with an extremely fat girl once (the ex-communications officer, Sherry Al-Ealah), and I wouldn't want to put my regions under such a monumental strain ever again. My renowned "Cock of Steel" could move mountains if I wanted it too, but I'm not sure whether or not it could survive another attack from Sherry Al-Titzilla or the Student Union Girl the ABOSOMable Snowman!!
DS

Matthew 6:15 PM

Monday, December 03, 2001

advertisement feature "Sanction says...let me publicise your cause!"

Once asociated with Dave Sanction, movements and revolutions get off the ground. A recent symposium on Unaknowledged Major Causes For Events declared that "Sanction's Sanction is as effective spur towards success as an arsenal of weapons".

therefore... order T-shirts! They follow this format: "Sanction Says...[your cause here]".

Recent subscribers have achieved unprecedented success. Take Bruce "Biffer" Ingerland a consumer champion who campaigned to get the Abdullah family from their shop which he said sold "smelly impure wogmeats n treats". A batch order of 1000 t-shirts he estimated had "the equivalent effect of 10,000 airmiles".

Order today!

Matthew 9:15 AM

Sunday, December 02, 2001

from The Sunday Sport

"Angry Dave Sanction Accusses Warwick Student Union of infecting George Harrison with cancer"

"My scars and resurrection are the news" he proclaimed, as a direct challenge to the legitamacy of the "Waricko-Hariso blanket coverage". He went on to attempt to undermine George Harrisons status as celebrity - seemingly confusing him with a combination of Harrison Ford and George Orwell (who he in turn confused with a pornographer); "that stunt he pulled jumping off the outflow pipe was well good, but to be honest he hasn't shot a good porno since Animal Farm". Dispite his wrath, he still managed to pose for this photo with the lovely Tara, pulling a goonish expression belying his internal anguish.

Matthew 12:25 PM

Friday, November 30, 2001

Sanction announces total car crash/rape/dead panda physical/psychological/imagined damage statistics.
November statistics.
Car crash body percentage burns - 0.000000001%
Percentage Dave Sanction cock - 6.2% (October - 6.15%)
Car crash bruises - 4 (Sanction now has seven bruises in total)
Location of Car Crash bruises - Knees and elbows
Mental trauma caused by crash/death of fellow passengers - too negilible to calculate.
Percentage increase in weekly personal suffering during Sanction rape case - 0.1%
Percentage increase in conviction of belief of personal immortality - 145% (October increase - 41%)
Number of times raped in life - Have never been raped.
Mental trauma caused by death of Sanctsu - I'm very annoyed by Sanctsu's death.
Number of women kissed - 21 (October - 8)
Number of female breasts fondled - 7 (October - 13)
Faith in UK judicial system - Up 33% after court case, but it had fallen 73% before initial imprisonment ruling.
Likelyhood of winning next Student Union Presidential Election - 100%

Matthew 10:47 PM

Rumours of my death were greatly exaggerated. I am alive, happy and doing rather well. The odd bruise or cut here or there but nothing major. Not everybody survived yesterday's crash however, including the ol' Beatle George Harrison who heard a rumour that I had been hurt and died on the spot. The other four people in the car also perished. I have been invited to various funerals in Lausanne and Zurich next week but sadly I already have plans. I'm lecturing at Loughborough on Monday afternoon (The Decline of the Athlete: Sport, science and Sanctionism) and giving a talk for World Aids Day to homosexual students in York on Tuesday (Prevention is Better than Cure: a chance to change). On Wednesday I'm getting that tattoo I was meant to get three months ago, the one that will increase my height quite dramatically. And on Thursday I have Mr Qu visiting me in the Mancsion to talk about pandas. Thus, sadly, no funerals next week. And by the way, thanks to all of you who preyed for me last night. It means a lot to me. Cheers!
DS

Matthew 10:28 PM

Breaking news. 12.31am. London.

Dave Sanction sole survivor in horrific Swiss car crash.

British celebrity Dave Sanction has survived a car crash in the Swiss Alps in which his four fellow passengers died after tumbling off the edge of a cliff. Witnesses say that the car exploded before it veered off the edge. Mr Sanction has been found sleeping in a bush on the inside of the road. He is only slightly bruised. Police believe that the impact of the explosion caused Mr Sanction to fly through the space left by the right hand door and land softly on a nearby bush. It is believed that he was the only passenger not wearing a seatbelt. Mr Sanction has suffered a difficult November, a month in which he has spent a week in jail and lost his beloved pet panda Sanctsu, and as some people believe, he was brutally gang raped on a Coventry street corner. He is expected to return home to England tomorrow. Police do not yet know the cause of the explosion in the vehicle, and they are refusing to rule out terrorism as a possible cause. The identities of the victims is as yet undisclosed.

Matthew 12:51 AM

Thursday, November 29, 2001

A message from a Pastor of the Church of Sanction, Andy Utter.

Given the urgency of this situation I would like to remind you all to turn to page 156.2 of the Sancbles.
For those of you without a book, I reprint the following verse that should be recited loudly and continuously until further news on our leader is received.

Lord Sanction, give strength to yourself.
We prey you live long and in perfect health.
And if the immortal is to concede to the evil will.
Sanction will be our leader, forever, until.
Oh good Sanction, may you forever live
And in my shorter life, my whole life I will give
To your glorious Name, and your body so strong.
May you heal fast and prosper, may your life be so long.

We prey for good news.

Matthew 7:34 PM

Breaking News. 19.02pm. London.

David Sanction feared dead in Swiss car crash.

Swiss police have confirmed that a vehicle carrying British celebrity David Sanction and four Swiss companions has been involved in a major crash in the Swiss alps near the Crans-Montana resort. One witness has told reporters that the car suddenly burst into flames and veered over the edge of the cliff. There are unlikely to be any survivers.
More news to follow.

Matthew 7:11 PM

Alright? I'm over in Zurich visiting the family vaults. I'm in an internet cafe with my interpreter Heidi. She's sipping coffee and looking sexy and I'm handing out a few "Chruch of Sanction" flyers (in Deutch!!) and writing to friends. On the plane over here I happened to sit right next to singer/songwriter Stephen Merritt, and within the space of eighty minutes I managed to persuade him to call his new band the "The Heart Sanctions", which will certainly do no harm to my cause. Heidi is fantastic. She speaks English, French and German. I'm not the world's greatest linguist, but I'm the world's greatest lover and can say "do you want a shag from Sanction, love" in eight different languages!!! Jokes aside, I have some important work to do while I am in Zurich. Let's just say that the Sanction family doesn't keep their riches in the Barclays. And some say that this will be the most expensive Warwick Presidential Election campaign ever staged..... Will reveal all soon. These Swiss are weird aren't they? I'm going skiing tomorrow!!!!
Love,
DS

Matthew 1:27 PM

Wednesday, November 28, 2001

From the "Have A Merry Sancmas-Compassion Edition" songbook

Do They Know Its Sancmastime? (if so what the fuck are they doing?)

In Kabul it is snowing
but not snow- BOMBS [bomb sound effect]
as soon as they stop sending us their anthrax
we'll hault the onslaught

It really is a simple equation
comply and it will be cool
you can reintegrate into the global community
and celebrate Sancmas time too

It really is in your own hands, Abdullah
you are to blame
For the twang of pain in my heart
When I see a (brown) baby dead

[chorus]Are the Muslims all stupid?
Can they not read the words?
Allah is dead
only Sanction is true

So shake off the Turban
And go shave that beard
and I'll pour you a pint
because Sancmastime is here

Matthew 9:22 AM

Tuesday, November 27, 2001

From the "Have A Merry Sancmas" family songbook.

The snow piles up thick on the lawn.
The kids wake at the crack of the dawn.
Under the tree the kids are looking
In the oven the turkey is cooking

The family will gather today
To sit round the table and prey
For the blessing that they all crave
From a man called Sanction, Dave.

On this day several years ago
The lawn was a-covered in snow
And Mrs Sanction gave birth to a boy
And the whole world was filled with joy.

So have a merry Sancmas my friends
And from Sanction his love he sends
All the people will laugh and play.
When Sanction smiles on Sancmas day!

Matthew 10:04 PM

Monday, November 26, 2001

By the reporters of Pandaworld.com and the Chinese News bureau

Sanction panda burial attracts crowd of thousands in Beijing.

Over nine thousand people have attended the burial of Sanctsu, a rare breed of Chinese panda that starved to death under the ownership of English celebrity-plus Dave Sanction. Sanctsu tragically starved to death in a cage while his owner was imprisoned before a court case. The dead panda was flown back to China for a burial service in Beijing, the Chinese capital, which nearly ten thousand Chinese elites attended. The death of Sanctsu, a male panda that Mr Sanction was looking after until a suitable female partner was found, is likely to have dire consequences for the future of the species.
The Chinese government announced in an official statement that "David Sanction is the enemy of the Chinese people and of panda lovers around the globe."
Dave Sanction, using a videophone, told those who assembled for the burial that "I am extremely saddened by Sanctsu's tragic death. However, it was not the fault of Dave Sanction. I had left seven days worth of bamboo in Sanctsu's cage the day before I was taken by police. However, Sanctsu was so distraught by my arrest he could barely sleep, smile or move, let alone eat. He died because he thought he was going to forever lose his owner. He died of a broken heart. And I was wrongly jailed in the first place. Ladies and gentlemen, Dave Sanction is a friend of the Chinese people. Your true enemy is the West Midlands Police Force who have no respect for the ancient traditions of over one-third of the world's population. The great nation of China should ensure that she uses all her resources to deliver a quick and resounding justice against this ignorant and rascist police force!"
Sanction analysts are considering this speech as perhaps the greatest he has ever given, and expect that it will pave the way for the Church of Sanction to start operating in China.

Matthew 3:38 PM

Great to be out it is. Just intime for Sancmas. My forthcoming project is to make the populace aware of the sheer miracle of my birth. If we all turn to page 123.6 of our Sancbles we will read;

...And thus did the cow-couple enter the shed
And blessed mother daisy did down rest her head
And holy-father Xii-stud did clear the ground of filth
And out bestowed Sanction covered in after-birth

And out rushed dear farmer with wife and their brood
And towards dear, sweet Sanction did they say these words
"oh what are you what are you you bestial fiend"
And banished him to Hollywood where he could'nt succeed...

Matthew 10:13 AM

Friday, November 23, 2001

New from the Sanction Book Club- "Sucking Myself Off- a week and a bit in prison"

In this new volume Dave Sanction recounts in real time the truth of life behind bars.

*gasp as Sanction reveals the truth behind widespread buggery in a candid discussion of sexual politics;

"lads need to get stuff off there chest as it were, so there is an unspoken consensus that a nightly fuck fest is Sanctioned. However, you can split the lads into basically two groups- those who administer and those who recieve the full benefits. Understandably, gay sex being a pragmatic necessity for the hetros, the former group is more sizable. Some of the cock-to-hole ratios are unspeakably weighted- think of a whale living in a wood worms home."

*shock as Sanction reveals the method for Candalabra synthesis- the hot new prison drug that metaliscises your brain;

"basically you melt down your cutlery using a lighter (any metal object really- bronze is esp. good I hear), mix in your porridge oats wait to cool and snort. It produces an effect very simular to the excavation of Tutankarmuns (sic) tomb."

*be prepared to rewrite English language theory books as Sanction introduces Triclyopes- an innovative new way to express the totality of a situation from multiple viewpoints.

[in this passage sentances marked [1] are from Sanction-eye-view, marked [2] from fellow inmates, marked [3] that of a pack of cigarettes]

"[2] The light stepped forth from the mattress, dressed like a ragged god [1] I got up as usual [3] if only he would have an anxiety and require of me my service! [1] I told that rude joke about the chicken crossing the road to get to the brothel [2] oh the mirth! oh the merriment! may my incarceration never end [3] to have one of my number grace those lips from whence issued such finery- oh that I could have a mouth to share in this wonder!"

Matthew 11:42 AM

Some bad news. My pet panda, Sanctsu, has died of starvation while I was in prison. News such as this really does put the whole rape case ordeal in perspective. I loved Sanctsu and now he is gone. DS

Matthew 11:14 AM

From Reuters newswire

Dave Sanction innocent, probably raped - now faces charges of perjury.

At the end of a gruelling twelve hour session in court, Judge Simon Finkelstein ruled that Dave Sanction had lied to the police and to the court, confessing his guilt when he was probably the victim of rape himself. On Thursday in Coventry County Court, Dave Sanction, providing his own defence, told the jury that he brutally raped three women on Saturday night on a street corner in residential Coventry. He pleaded guilty on three charges of rape but believed he could evoke the Royal Rape Exemption Act of 1674. He told the court that since he was a religious leader, and had worked for the UN in Afghanistan and Kosovo, that his imprisonment would be a "societal disaster" and a "tragedy for the victims of landmines" all over the world. Under the Rape Exemption Act, Mr Sanction told the court, persons who would cause more damage going to prison and not raping then if they were to stay in society and continue raping, were given a special exemption. The judge called for recess and six hours later declared that Mr Sanction's aforementioned act was completely fictional, and wouldn't save Sanction's skin.
Mr Sanction looked dejected and confused. At 5.32pm the judge called a spokesperson from the West Midlands Police to the stand. He showed the jury CCTV footage of the incident itself, evidence only discovered during the court recess. The shocking footage showed Mr Sanction walking home alone, playing air guitar and singing aloud, when suddenly two masked men jumped out from a bush and brutally attacked him. It isn't clear from the video footage whether or not the men penetrated Mr Sanction's regions or not. Mr Sanction at first denied the man on the screen was him, but after seeing a close up of his yellow Donnay hood, conceeded that although the man was him, the men were friends and they were only playacting.
Two hours later the jury determined that Mr Sanction was not guilty on two charges of rape, but will have to stand trial for perjury since he repeatedly lied to the police and to the court. It is also expected that a new investigation will attempt to determine who attacked Mr Sanction, and whether or not Mr Sanction was raped.
Questioned outside the court, a victorious but oddly subdued Mr Sanction told reporters "I would sooner rape one thousand innocent women than be touched indecently by a single man. I may be free, but I must clear my name. I'm rapeproof"
Sanction was escorted home by armed police at 10.40pm on Thursday night. At 11.30 on Thursday night, local residents reported the sound of gunfire coming from his residence.

Matthew 12:56 AM

Thursday, November 22, 2001

fanother selection from the hit (to be produced by Johnny King).

I was on the way to a models house
and you were one the street
you tripped me up and begged me to bestow you a treat
I was in the midst of a celebrity-sex schedule
and my time was near full

[delaladelaladadeladado]

... but I condescended to fuck you

["the bridge"]

it took a few minutes right there in the street
but I grew to respect the fact that you were[silent t]
a junkie who would do anything on command
and now that you love me I am quite glad.

[deep voiced spoken monologue as music descends to barry white deep funk love groove]

"hey baby...it was a year ago today that you brazen self abasement jolted me from my celebrity circle. It made me stop and realise - why pay lipservice to respecting a career when I could become someones whole life....you love me...good for you!"

[delededededodado]

Your love for me is not rape
and neither's mine for you
Its consensual sex through reasonable force
legitimised by ongoing psychological torch (torture)

So tie a yellow ribbon
And I'll be home soon
come to think of it
tie yourself to the bed right now
and wait for my return

[bum-de-le-le-le-le-crash]

Matthew 12:04 PM

Wednesday, November 21, 2001

So I didn't win the election today.... I had been hoping to become the new President of the West Midlands Prisoners Union but some greasy fraud-man beat me to it. I don't care a single shit! The prisoners are a bunch of hopeless, layabout, good-for-nothing thugs anyway, and wouldn't recognise a great man if he were eight foot tall. There isn't a single ounce of intelligence in this place!

I think I'm the only political prisoner here. Once upon a time in this world, great men were sent to jail where they built up their political resolve and eventually became powerful political leaders. Think of Nelson Mandela, Malcolm X and Adolf Hitler (soon you will be able to add Dave Sanction to that illustrious list)

But the reason why I didn't win this election is because the people in prison these days are all losers. Just take a look at my pathetic cellmates - Big Fat Bob, Charlie "The Predator" Smith, Leeroy "The Shadow" Ougale, Carnal John, Jonathan "Cocksucking" Aitken and Harry the Rapist - I mean, can you really see any of these idiots becoming Great Men? Exactly. And that's why they voted for the other candidate! Because all prisoners are stupid. Get me back to the University of Warwick! I'm a student's man, not a prisoner's man. I'm a ladies man. I'm Dave Sanction.

Matthew 3:18 PM

It is well known that creative things can come out of suffering. You just have to look at all that art stuff whats about the place. I have written this song which encapsulates how it must feel for Mary to know that she loves me (and that I pay lipservice to reciprocating the feeling). Here are some initial verses;

the Prison-Heart song

oh there are bars inbetween us
and do you have the key?
and I know you are waiting
because you're lucky to have me

[even] If I had raped you [this is not an admission of guilt on the case pending]
you or your mum
you'd stand outside the prison gates
waiting and beggin for more-some

Oh you are one a million
because Sanction choose you
to pine for him dayly
[musical break]...and he occasionally thinks of you too

Matthew 11:35 AM

Tuesday, November 20, 2001

From The Journal of British Prison Reform

Celebrity prisoner Dave Sanction in semen stained pillow case uproar.

Dave Sanction is likely to become President of the West Midlands Prisoners Union, despite having been behind bars only five days, thanks to the strength of his "no more semen stained pillow cases" campaign.
"I've been given one pillow case to last the whole week, and there are three huge Bill Clintons scattered in such a unbiased manner so that I can't rest my face for the night without coming into contact with dried bits of old gay enthusiasm." Mr Sanction appears to have the support of many of his fellow prisoners. "Most of the lads agree with me on this one. One man woke up in the morning to find old sperm encrusted on his lips. It's gone beyond a joke." Mr Sanction is promising to "sort 'em out" if elected President of the West Midlands Prisoners Union in elections on Wednesday afternoon. "If elected President tomorrow, I'll demand the proper cleaning of all prison bedding across the West Midlands", shouted Sanction to deafening cheers.

Mr Sanction declined an interview with our reporter because he was "frizzed off his face on candalbra".

Matthew 11:04 PM

the drug situation in here is crazy. Im getting frizzed off my face on candalabra every day.

Matthew 11:20 AM

Monday, November 19, 2001

"Sanction to Plead Guilty to Lesser Charge of "Rough Sex"

"Claims he used resonable means to overcome an unnecessary frigidity"

"Will use "C'mon your honour, we've all been tempted. Ain''t we lads [knowing wink to jury]" argument"

"Will use great friend Uri Geller to prove innocence through mind bending"

"will cross examine his accusser over a pint of beer."

"Will be out in time for christmas."

Matthew 4:12 PM

From Associated Press

Sanction Court Case Set for Thursday

Dave Sanction will appear in Coventry County Court on Thursday morning pleading innocence against charges of rape. It is expected that he will provide his own defence. Sanction spokesperson Andy Utter claimed that "Mr Sanction is extremely confident that the jury will find him innocent of any wrongdoing. He is looking forward to being able to get on with a normal life." Meanwhile, Berlin police are investigating reports of an suicide of a 16 year old girl who wrote in a note to her family (translated) "it cannot be true.... If Sanction has really done this than my life is no longer worth living. If my heroes are murderers and rapists I should kill myself now, before I do harm to others." It is believed that Katerine Huter owned $2000 of Sanction memorabilia at the time of her death, including several bottles of unused hair gel she found in the rubbish bins outside the Sanction Manction.

Matthew 3:15 PM

Well I have about two minutes left online. Lights out is at 2am and they wake us up at 8am. The only other person in this room is a fat woman with a broom. Since I am here on rape charges, they tie me to the chair while I surf the net. Do they really think that I'm going to rape that oversized cleaner??? Makes me laugh. Emailed Mrs Sanction, my mother. Told her that I'm on a UN mission to Pakistan. She'll believe me. Spent most of the last hour wasting my time on internet bulletin boards since it is so difficult to get some good debate in here. Still, its a fairly liberal prison, and I'm being looked after very well until the date of my trial. If I'm actually convicted I will be moved somewhere else. But that won't happen. The Student Union needs me.

Matthew 1:29 AM

Sunday, November 18, 2001

Wow. I hadn't had a traditional English breakfast in months. But this morning, whilst detained at Her Majesty's Pleasure, I enjoyed two sausages, two rashers of bacon, egg, beans, tomato and toast. Not bad at all. Played some footy with the lads this morning. There's some real wasted talent in here. Scotty should be playing for United! Yeah, its alright in here. Wednesday and Thursdays we get beer. Robbie next door keeps playing that great Eric Clapton MTV Unplugged album which is great. There are lots of blacks here but I get on fine with them, in fact i'm probably more of an animal than they are!
wish you were here
Dave Sanction

Matthew 2:08 PM

Saturday, November 17, 2001

Its alright in here really...great lads, love the beer and with great page threes on the wall and all. I'm sharing a cell with the star of a film that is being shot about an ex-boxer, wrongly convicted for IRA terrorism. I'm playing his wise sidekick.

Matthew 12:47 PM

Friday, November 16, 2001

I am on one of the prison computers. I arrived here at around lunchtime. I will hopefully appear in court in a few days time to prove my innocence. This is a low security prison for people who are accused of serious crimes but obviously didn't committ them! I will not be here for long, I assure you.
DS

Matthew 9:19 PM

"Sanction to evoke rape-exemption clause"

"Utterly fictional "responsibility-reducer" article unlikely to save his skin"

Matthew 3:44 PM

From Newswire

Dave Sanction Jailed!

West Midlands police have confirmed that at 10.14am this morning, Dave Sanction was arrested and put behind bars. It is expected today's events are linked to last Saturday night, when Sanction was discovered bruised and tied to a lamppost in Earlsdon, Coventry. At first it was assumed that Dave Sanction had been the victim of rape, but in recent days new evidence has suggested that in fact Sanction had attempted to commit the rape himself, and his targets were able to fight back and restrain him.
More news to follow...

Matthew 3:41 PM

Thursday, November 15, 2001

Firstly let me dispell some nasty rumours. I am not in hiding, as the Daily Star have suggested. I am currently sipping from a pint glass full of beer on my favourite chair in the Sanction Manction. I am enjoying a wonderful life and am looking to do some campaigning down the Union this Saturday. I do not fear Radio Warwick and the Warwick Boar, the twin propaganda machines of the evil pre-Sanction Student Union Empire. They can threaten me all they want but at the end of the day their threats will be hollow because I WILL BE the next president, with or without a conviction for rape.

Matthew 7:15 PM

Tuesday, November 13, 2001

From MegaCelebrity.com

New edition of Heat! magazine available in three different Sanction Rape! covers.

Customers can expect to see Triple Sanction when they browse the news stands this week, since Heat! magazine will be printing three collectable covers, to mark the possible rape of/by Dave Sanction. It is hoped that readers will purchase the magazine according to what they personally believe happened in Coventry on Saturday night, although Heat! admit that they do not expect a 'scientific' poll to be conducted since "Sancmaniacs and community leaders" were likely to buy all three.

Details are as follows.
Cover 1 - "Who Raped Dave Sanction?" in big letters with Sanction grinning in background.
Cover 2 - "Who did Dave Sanction Rape?" in big letters with Sanction grinning in background.
Cover 3 - "Was Dave Sanction involved in Rape?" in big letters with Sanction grinning in background.

At least two of the three covers are expected to be highly collectible in a few years time, similar to the "Gore defeats Bush" late edition newspapers printed in some US cities at the time of the Florida recount last year.

Matthew 5:35 PM

Dave Sanction Issue Definitive Rape Statement; "All That You Have Read is True"

Matthew 1:42 PM

Coventry Evening Post report

West Midlands police chief says "We're close to cracking the American Airlines New York crash case, but the Sanction rape mystery leaves us very confused"

Ted Augent, the head of the West Midlands police (Violent Crime branch) has admitted that his force have no idea of what actually happened in the Sanction rape case. His confession comes soon after a local student, a Miss Jennifer Hallsworthy, contacted the local police force to suggest that it was actually Dave Sanction who tried to do the raping. She claimed that the three girls manage to confine him by tying him to a tree with an elastic strap, and by gagging his mouth with a hairband and staples.
Her evidence was immediately countered by the Gay Liberation Action Directive (GLAD), who claimed that three of their male members raped Mr Sanction to "liberate him of his unnatural heterosexuality". The message, sent to the local police in a known GLAD code, contained the threatening declaration that "...we will continue to rape Mr Sanction until he abandons his homophobic election policies and the damn coward comes out of his closet."
Meanwhile, the West Midlands police force have been confused by all the conflicting evidence, and due to 'brain hurtings' have taken the day off choosing to watch the television reports of the plane crash in New York. "The lads have been debating this all day, and we've come to the conclusion that it was a mechanical error on the plane", stated Mr Augent, "but as for the Sanction rape case, we haven't got a fucking clue."

Matthew 12:51 AM

Monday, November 12, 2001

From Associated Press

Sanction denies being victim of rape, admits being "victim of three busty blonde virgins"

Dave Sanction has adamently denied that he was the victim of a brutal rape on Saturday night, claiming that at the time of the alleged incident he was "entertaining three busty blonde virgins at the Sanction Manction" and that he only tied himself to a tree and gagged himself because he was "using physical metaphors to demonstrate to these three ladies the importance of my first noble truth."
He refutes claims that he was forced to engage in an act of gay sex claiming that he 'has no access points" for such an incident to take place. If Dave Sanction did fake his own rape as a publicity stunt it wouldn't be the first time he attempted such a stunt - in 1998 he hit fellow University of Warwick student union presidential candidate Martin Biggs in the face, making the front cover of the Student Union and raising his profile dramatically.

Matthew 4:57 PM

"Dave Sanction Back Tracks on Rape Denial"

"It was a metaphor" he says "to introduce my first noble truth- Life is Rape".

Matthew 2:20 PM

Raped! Me? Yeh right. Another dirty trick to cast negative aspertions. Why this cannot be true;

1) I am unrapable. I am so far from being gay that I have no access points. It is physically impossible to force anything into any of my holes. The assault-cock would swerve away to the air beside my thighs.

2)Murdochy is a bud and Reuters is firstly pro-sanction and secondly a newswire.

Matthew 9:28 AM

Sunday, November 11, 2001

From Reuters celebrity newsdesk

Dave Sanction Raped!

Uncomfirmed reports suggest that University of Warwick presidential candidate Dave Sanction was brutally beaten and raped in the Coventry suburb of Earlsdon at around 8pm last night. Sanction newsfeed confirmed that an "incident of an unpleasant nature had occured" but would not report any further details. However, reports from Warwickshire County Police state that a man of "Sanction proportions" was untied from a tree, ungagged, and taken into immediate care.

Matthew 11:22 PM

Thursday, November 08, 2001

Thats more like it! Proper news! As if i'd condescend to ruffle a pleb. Case dismissed your honour!

DS

Matthew 11:39 AM

Wednesday, November 07, 2001

From the garish cover of Nods Winks And Glances - "your weekly digest of preliminary celebrity contacts"

"Dave Sanction gives Geri Halliwell "the look" at cancerous dog benefit diner - but will it lead to mutual gential swallowing? - eight page editorial thesis"

Matthew 9:02 PM

Official Statement from Sanction H.Q

Dave Sanction would like to personally confirm that he had nothing to do the previous posting on this website. He believes that it was posted by Student Union employed hackers to discredit his Presidential campaign.
Mr Sanction reacted angrily to a statement by Miss J Hallsworthy, who claimed that Mr Sanction lifted up her skirt with one hand against her will, and proceeded to spill his pint of beer over her breasts with the other hand, claiming that "once again the Student Union dirty tricks machine has gone into overdrive."
Dave Sanction is currently locked in negotiations with Blogger.com over the possibility of having the post removed.
DSHQ

Matthew 7:19 PM

Yeah!!!! Whoo!!! I'm totally pissed, absolutely hammered right off my face on booze. Went down the union with the lads tonight. Took a peek down some girls skirt. Spilled a pint of beer on some girls tits by accident. Yeah.... my head hurts.... saw some lesbos snogging. drank 8 pints tonight... i'm a man..!! yeah
i'm dying for a fuck. christ. if only that fit lesbo was in the manction... need to vomit... bye

Matthew 1:16 AM

Tuesday, November 06, 2001

Email to Smokie interpreted by Soft Rock Standards Council

Alright mates!
Dave Sanction here. Your number one fan. I own all your records. I have so much money that I have even employed sound-a-like bands to make records that I've written sound like you! I'd love you to play a gig in the Sanction Manction, my house in the midlands. I won't offer you any money but I'm running to be President at the University of Warwick student union and (hint hint) I'm sure I can find you a few Marys (virgins) to keep you all happy.
Yours,
Dave Sanction

Matthew 1:08 PM

Monday, November 05, 2001

Fooled you! Unbelievable! Year after year people forget to look out for the Annual Dave Sanction Fireworks Day Joke (AnnDavSanFirDayJok) You'll all be stumbling back into your homes wondering if perhaps you went to the wrong pub. Fooled you! I did NOT even go to the Rat and Parrot pub tonight. I sat in the Sanction Manction laughing away whilst you pleaded to the barman "where is Mr Sanction?".
PLUS - it is a double joke! I am not really Bin Laden, Bush, WTC, Israel etc. It was all part of my joke. Fooled you all!!!! Who knows what I'll do next! This is not to say that I should not be taken seriously. I make jokes on one designated day of the year precisely so that people take me very seriously at all other times. Although give me a couple of beers down the ol' union bar and I'll tell you stories that will bring hilarious tears to your eyes. I'm a funny man, but I'm no joker. I'm good at chess, but I'm no political pawn. I enjoy my football, but I'm no David Beckham (I'm more a Neil Webb style player). I'm the leader of an organised religion, but I'm no Jesus.
I'm Dave Sanction.

Matthew 8:48 PM

Alright?? Sanction here, actually doing the typing, for some exclusive news "from the horse's mouth." There has been much speculation concerning the extent of my role in the War on Terrorism. In a statement exclusive to this site let me concede that I am behind everything. Everything. The whole lot. I am George W Bush. I am Osama Bin Laden. I am the Northern Alliance. I am the World Trade Center. I am the Anthrax attacks. I am the Muslims. I am the Christians. I am the state of Israel. I am the oppressed Palestinian peoples.
I am Dave Sanction. And due to the unexpected gravity of this announcement I will be holding a press conference at the Rat and Parrot pub in Royal Leamington Spa at 8pm tonight to explain matters further.
DS

Matthew 5:18 PM

"Sanction Condescends to First Hand Blogger Posting"

"Will post a diary-style entry and not rely on global media to plot his movements"

"preceeds the launch of Sanction Web- a subscription service, weekly tossing forth direct-experiance info-nugets and sedating the scurrying hoards"

Matthew 2:10 PM

Tuesday, October 30, 2001

From Reuters newsfeed:
"Allied Forces, Taliban and Al-Qaida prepare for unexpected new war in Afghanistan"

To the surprise of both the Taliban leadership and the UK and US governments, a third side have entered the war in Afghanistan, threatening a Holy War against "the current warring factions".
Is is believed that about 2500 members of The Church of Sanction, a hugely influential international operation, managed to sneak over the Afghan border late last night. Today they walked throught the streets of Kandahar proclaiming "Sanction is Glorious, Allah and Jesus are sin", whilst parading the head of a Northern Alliance leader on a borrowed flagpole. One soldier told us that it was his duty to fight against "any person or organisation that is in anyway opposed to Dave Sanction's all-powerful greatness."
Early reports say that Church of Sanction forces have already killed over twenty American ground troops, and are "extremely close" to sucessfully finding and destroying all cells of the Al-Qaida terrorist organisation.
The Church of Sanction head priest, David Sanction, told reporters this morning that "we are leading the world towards an eternal peace, under one universal banner of Sanction." It is believed that Dave Sanction secretly visited Afghanistan last week, paving the way tactically for yesterday's groundbreaking military action.
Whether or not the forces of the Islamic World and the West will unite to take on "the Sanction menace" is yet unclear although both President Bush and Osama Bin Laden have hinted that such actions may be necessary .

Matthew 9:00 PM

Sanction elaborates on Lesbian Reorientation plan

at a lesbo seminar hosted in some dirty den Sanction articulate for the first time a ten step strategy that he believes will result "in managable levels of lesbianism- that is that action confined in and around my gaze and stare". The ten steps are as following;

1-say goodbye to your lover - one last full-on goodbye, with frequent "interjections" by Sanction.
2-date! - enjoy a beer on sanction (price of beer drawn from registration fee)
3-smokie- listen to smokie.
4-discuss smokie with Sanction- notice how he makes you feel like a princess.
5-think about sanction alot in terms and framework drawn out from smokie appreciation.
6-listen to "Don't Make Me Rape You" by Ice-T- realise that all men are not like Sanction.
7-trip to miscarriage center- see that women's bodies are'nt all great.
8-this leaves you with Sanction
9-let Sanction "into your heart"
10-whatever lesbianism your partake in is now dependant on Sanctions okay.

Matthew 4:42 PM

Sanction-Connect Service Launched!

If you want to contact Sanction do so at davesanction@yahoo.com

Any questions, any proposals (steady on ladies!!) then table them there.

I would like to thank the people at Yahoo for graciously accepting my application for a mail box (which they are providing for free, I may add [anything for a endors[anc]ment]).

Matthew 1:41 PM

Sunday, October 28, 2001

New release on Sanction Records "A Very Clean Christmas"

We all like to have fun at christmas, but sometimes fun = swear words and inuendo and aurally abused children. But no longer! Esteemed vocalist Dave Sanction has rerecorded 10 great party tunes with amended less-blue lyrics...

Tracks include...

Sisqo- "The Thong Song" WHICH BECOMES Dave Sanction- "The Song Song" extracted lyric; "let me hear that song! baby that song s-s-song song song"

Joedaci- "Every Freakin' Nite" (sample lyric "every freaking night and every freakin day I want to freak you baby in every freakin way) WHICH BECOMES Dave Sanction- "Im a Freakin' Freak" [imagine a cartoon zombie] "I'm a freakin freak and every freakin freck lets freck out some humans every freaking week" [some parents have compline this is no better but it is]

Matthew 4:19 PM

Tuesday, October 23, 2001

Presidential campaign statement:

"Dave Sanction the Man for Minorities"

I am a great believer in diversity. Thats why I seek to offer the minority groups at Warwick spacific pledges that I will uphold upon assuming office;

The Virtual Role Playing Society- I will instruct the union bar workers to respond to requests for "Grog" and "Orc Juice" with a beer or cider.

Gays (male)- I will run serious of "reorientation" seminars and lectures to help you come to terms with your affliction (lectures include: "reigniting personal disgust" and "Your Ancestor's Memory Sullied: A Victorian Uncle's Perspective")

Gays (female) - "reorientation" seminars including one on one and group sessions with myself.

Matthew 9:47 AM

Monday, October 22, 2001

From MegaCelebrity.com

Heat's decision to publish no Sanction gossip provokes fury, light relief.

The celebrity gossip magazine Heat this week was forced to fiercely defend its decision not to mention cult icon Dave Sanction in this weeks issue. Commissioning Editor Sarah Bevan said that the decision was reached after a poll in which Heat staff believed that Dave Sanction deserved a well earned break from the media spotlight. "We've printed an article on Sanction for each of the past eighteen weeks, and despite us choosing to focus on other things this week, all of us at Heat recognise how lucky we all are have a person in the public eye of such high moral integtrity and such mighty sexiness. He'll be back next week"

However, Heat's decision has proved a little much for some people to bear. Joanne Stephens, 13, was seen crying into her magazine on a local bus, after spending ten minutes desperately combing the pages in search of her hero. She was wearing a T-shirt that proclaimed "Beaver Mount, 69, Raiders", similar to the one Sanction was spotted wearing in Kabul last month. She told a reporter that "it has been an extremely busy week for Sanction. How can Heat claim to be completely unaware that Sanction has appeared at two conferences about gays and Asians, both in the last week."

Dave Sanction himself appriciated the moment out of the spotlight. "It's a pleasure to sit down in the Sanction Manction and enjoy the latest issue of Heat magazine, without my read being spoiled by these vicious rumours that I'm dating that fat bird out of East Enders."

Matthew 7:06 PM

from Warwick Boar newswire

"Presidential candidate launches plans for good asian/bad asian identification system"

"This is not racist" said Sanction at the policy launch "true, its starting point is an observation of an individuals race, but it is more concerned with whether the bastard has a beard or not".

Matthew 8:38 AM

Sunday, October 21, 2001

From Warwick Boar newswire
"Presidential candidate pledges money to phone helpline for people confused about their sexuality"

In a remarkable move, completely at odds with his policies of previous campaigns, David Sanction has approached the Warwick Pride (Gay and Lesbian society) to begin talks about the possibility of a 24 hour helpline for Warwick students troubled by their sexuality.
Edward Holton, president of Warwick Pride told Boar staff that the new helpline would "symbolise a revolution in campus based social care resources." He declared that the new helpline would be of great benefit to the "hundreds of closet gay students who due to unfortunate degrees of peer pressure and social intolerance are being forced to be untrue to themselves."
Pressed for comment David Sanction simply told reporters that he was "deeply concerned by an increasingly desperate situation" and that he was committed to helping such students "with the upmost urgency, since we're on the brink of a widepread plague."

Matthew 9:58 AM

Wednesday, October 17, 2001

"Dave Sanction downs a yard of anthrax"

*Claims it is "safe to eat".
*Insane parallel with John Gummer feeding beef to child.

Matthew 8:16 AM

Monday, October 15, 2001

My new t-shirt reads:

BEAVER MOUNT

69

RAIDERS

Its like old skool sexism with a year 01 twist. Gets laughs.

Matthew 8:12 PM

News update from "New Religous Progress Bi-Daily"

Dave Sanction launches sacred symbol- The Sanction Square.

Dave Sanction, in a direct challenge to established iconography, has launched a provocative "accumulation and self-inflation tool for Sanc Allies globally". He excpects the crucifix to be phased out "over the next couple of weeks" as churches convert to his creed. He explained the significance of the square to a corporate collection at a seminar attended by everyone from the pope to his dear old mother. "The sanction square works on the principle of the 4 suggestions. These - Beer, Sport, Birds and Soft Rock. Each corner relates to a suggestion....". Anyhow, its good.

Matthew 7:55 AM

Saturday, October 13, 2001

News Update from Student Politics Quarterly.
Dave Sanction makes clear opposition to new currency.
(extract from text follows)
Sanction stated today "I absolutely oppose the Euro as a currency and as a concept. How dare Johnny Foreigner walk into our student union and spend his bloody rupees, or pesetas or dollars, on our traditional English ales. If I am elected President I will officially declare the Student Union a Euro-free zone."
To visibly demonstrate his unwavering support for the traditional British unit of currency, Mr Sanction posed for the cameras clutching a wad of five pound notes, and then proceeded to buy a round of drinks for the few students present at the news conference. "The hardened cynics in Union North will no doubt accuse me of trying to buy votes, or taking advantage of a cheap photo opportunity", sprouted the candidate whilst grinning at a journalist's lens, "but the truth is that I'm down here every day spending hard earned British currency on beers for the lads, and wine coolers for the ladies."
Mr Sanction will be running for the Presidency of the Student Union for the fifth year running. In previous years he has controversially blamed "Biggs' dirty tricks", "Matthew Kelly culture" and a "Zionist nog-faction" for costing him precious votes.

Matthew 1:14 AM

Thursday, October 11, 2001

breaking news..."Global Concern About My Scrotum"

World leaders call off war against terrorism to concentrate efforts on eliminating an irritating pimple from Sanction's ball bag.

Matthew 1:30 PM

Wednesday, October 10, 2001

news: "Dave Sanction to join the cast of Friends"

"...show to be renamed Subordinates"

"Dave Sanction has been aproached to star in a radically restructured series of Friends. The programme, as it is, has amassed millions of fans world wide, all falling for the shows subtle characterisations and halarious twists on everyday friendship ups and downs. In the new package, any hint of joyful spontaniety will be eliminated from the characters as they submit to the greater charisma of Snac. They will not say stuff like "I'm a lesbian...that sounded a lot better in my head" instead they will piously worship and intone only the Sanction-Mantra. In the first edition, Sanction turns up at the door. "

Matthew 12:15 PM

It's the middle of the night here. The fire alarm has gone off. I can hear nothing else but the screeching of electronic alarm bells and I do feel a burning sensation on my skin. The Sanction Manction may well go up in flames any minute. Perhaps I burnt some toast. Perhaps I didn't put out the cigarette. But does anybody seriously expect a person of my status to stand out on the street in the pouring rain waiting to be given "the all clear." I'm Dave Sanction, I'll be departing this earth at the Chosen time. I'll let you know what happens tomorrow. The bells are getting louder. I'm lost in a sea of smoke. I'll let you know what happens tomorrow. I'll be sitting right here, not dead, tomorrow, letting you know what happened to me. DS

Matthew 12:57 AM

Tuesday, October 09, 2001

Matthew 7:34 AM

Current affairs related social tips:

chat up line:
[for slut] "would you mind if I destroyed your twin towers and damaged your pentagon?....I never come [down] prematurely in PITtsburgh, I always pentrate right to the heart of my target (usually camp David)."

Jokes:
What does Osama have in his office? A BIN
Where does Osama keep his food? In a LADEN
[why not think of your own?]

One liners, good to slip into pub talk:

I've heard about crash courses but that was rediculous!
I've heard about crash landings but that was rediculous!

Matthew 7:34 AM

Monday, October 08, 2001

Have I mentioned to you my baby panda? Sanctsu is actually still living in China but hopefully he'll be arriving on these shores once I have enough bamboo. The Sanction Manction is currently undergoing a major refurbishment so that Sanctsu, the baby Chinese panda, can be accomodated in a cage in the quadrant. I'm sure you all know about Sanctsu anyway so I'm probably just wasting my precious time...... DS

Matthew 11:17 PM